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Thread: feedback/critic wanted

  1. jumpoffabuilding Guest

    feedback/critic wanted

    hi guys... these are the first eleven pages to a mystery with a dash of sci-fi piece i'm working on. i'd love to get some feedback. thanks

    PAGE ONE (five panels)

    Panel 1. Establishing shot. A college lecture theatre. The lights are turned off as a clip is being played on the screen. Lights from the screen create a kaleidoscopic effect of the faces of the students. Everyoneís attention is pretty much glued to the screen.


    Panel 2. RICHARD, late 40s, sits near the back of the room. Despite his age difference from the crowd, no one noticed him. Probably because they are all busy watching the clip. He looks haggard. Unkempt hair, unshaven, wide eyes like he havenít slept for a few days. He is wearing a suit but with a loose tie. Everyone is watching the screen except him. His eyes rested on one of the girls in the middle row.

    1 CAP: SHE SHOULD KNOW THE TRUTH.


    Panel 3. We see the girl heís watching, NORA. Late teens, tom boy-ish type. Short wavy hair. Dark jet black like it came from a bottle. Green nails, wearing a punk t-shirt. She too is watching the screen while chewing on the butt of her pen. She doesnít know sheís being watched.

    2 CAP: ITíS TIME TO STOP ALL THE LIES.


    Panel 4. View from the exit door of the theatre. The clip ended and someone had turned the lights back on. Everyone except Richard got up and gathers their things to leave.

    3 CAP: I SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER YEARS AGO. AND NOW, IT MIGHT BE TOO LATE


    Panel 5. Nora walks toward the elevator with Richard a few steps behind her. One of the students walks through Richard like he is a ghost, but he didnít even flinch.

    4 CAP: BUT TIME IS RUNNING OUT. THEYíRE PROBABLY ALREADY ON TO HER.


    PAGE TWO (four panels)

    All panels from the same POV except panel 2. Angled aerial view from the elevator door.

    Panel 1. Both Nora and Richard are in the elevator together with a few other students. The box is packed and we see that Richard's body overlap with one of the student. Noraís phone rings.

    1 CAP: SHEíLL HATE ME IF SHE KNEW.


    Panel 2. Close up on the phone screen. It says the call is from Uncle Richard. Nora immediately hit the ignore button.


    Panel 3. Focus more on Richard. We now see that he is holding a cell phone. He looks heart broken.

    2 CAP: BUT DOES IT MATTER. SHE ALREADY DOES HATE ME.


    Panel 4. The elevator door opens and Nora starts to walk out. Richard reached out his hand towards her but she didnít notice it.



    PAGE THREE (one panel)

    Panel 1. Full page. Aerial view of Nora in the library studying. She is typing a report on her laptop while referring to some of the books thatís spread open around her on the table. Richard sits facing her. His leg crossed and he is watching her work intently.

    1 CAP: I DONíT KNOW WHATíS STOPPING ME. SHEíS BOUND TO KNOW SOMETHINGíS UP.

    2 CAP: SOME DAY.

    3 CAP: SO WHY NOT TODAY?


    PAGE FOUR (four panels)

    Panel 1. Close up on a car radio. We see a hand with green nails tweaking the dial, trying to find a preferred station.


    Panel 2. View from inside the car. From the front passenger seat. Pull back to reveal the hand belonging to Nora. She is driving the car. On the passenger seat next to her is a laptop bag, the sling bag type.


    Panel 3. From inside Richardís car, we see Noraís. We now know that he is following her. We also see that Nora is driving a cheap piece of crap. A car, that is rusty and falling apart.

    1 CAP: IT SHOULD BE DONE SOMEPLACE NICEÖ


    Panel 4. Wide shot. We now see both cars driving through mild traffic in the downtown area. We also see that Richardís car just drive through other cars so that he would be able to drive side by side with Nora. It seems his car also possesses the same ghost-like quality Ė transparent and invisible.

    2 CAP: ÖOVER A CUP OF COFFEE OR SOMETHING.

    3 CAP: THESE KINDS OF THINGS SHOULD BE HANDLED DELICATELY


    PAGE FIVE (five panels)

    Panel 1. Richard sees a figure emerge from the back seat of Noraís car.

    1 CAP: SHIT!

    2 CAP: THEYíVE FOUND HER.


    Panel 2. In the back seat of Noraís car is GABE (20s), he looks like a character from a Bourne film. Tough and he has a gun.

    3 GABE: DONíT PANIC!


    Panel 3. Close up on the gun pointed at Noraís back. It is a silver semi-automatic pistol.


    Panel 4. Nora knew that he isnít just some bum trying to rob her for some drug money, so she decided to play dumb. She lets go of the wheel and hold up her hands. It caught Gabe by surprise.

    4 NORA: OH MY GAWD. WHO ARE YOU? HOW DID YOU GET INTO MY CAR?

    5 GABE: HANDS ON THE WHEEL! HANDS ON THE WHEEL!


    Panel 5. Noraís hand is back on the wheel but this time she turns her head back to get a look at him. The car swerved away from its lane. This agitated him even more.

    6 NORA: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

    7 GABE: WHOA! WATCH THE ROAD LADY.


    PAGE SIX (six panels)

    Panel 1. Establishing shot of downtown traffic at mid-day. Traffic light, intersection. Noraís car had stop at the red light. Just up ahead, is a big sign for a twenty-four hours parking lot complete with a blinking arrow.


    Panel 2. Richardís car is right next to Noraís. He is watching the scene unfolding in her car. The others still havenít notice him. Gabe pointed to the twenty-four hours parking lot.

    1 GABE: GO PARK YOUR CAR IN THERE.

    2 NORA: YOUíRE THE BOSS.


    Panel 3. Nora is now driving in the parking lot, looking for a free space. The place is pretty much packed. Richardís car is nowhere to be found. Nora is taking everything very lightly. Gabe is ignoring the fact that she doesnít sound scared.

    3 NORA: YOU DO REALIZE THAT IíM NOT RICHÖ

    4 GABE: DRIVE UP TO LEVEL 5.


    Panel 4. Nora turns the wheel to manoeuvre her car into the parking spot. There is only two other cars on that level. Both are parked considerably further away from her spot.

    5 NORA: I MEAN, LOOK AT MY CAR. ITíS CRAPPY. IT BREAKS DOWN ONCE A MONTHÖ


    Panel 5. The car is parked. Nora turns her head to look at Gabe.

    6 NORA: IT COST MORE TO FIX THAN WHAT I PAID FOR IT. AND CONSIDERING THE RISING GAS PRICE, YOUíRE BETTER OFF WITHOUT THIS CAR.


    Panel 6. Gabe looks at her annoyed.

    7 GABE: SHUT UP! IíM NOT AFTER YOUR STUPID CAR. 


    PAGE SEVEN (five panels)

    Panel 1. Gabe is out of the car. His gun is still pointed at Nora. Nora is still in the driver seat with her hands up.

    1 GABE: GET OUT


    Panel 2. View from the front passenger seat. Nora had turned to slide out of the car. Her left hand reaches behind her to grab the strap to her bag.

    2 NORA: IF YOUíRE NOT HERE TO ROB ME, WHAT IS THIS REALLY ABOUT?


    Panel 3. Nora quickly swings her bag at Gabe. The surprise attack knocks out his gun.

    3 GABE: ITíS ABOUTÖ

    4 SFX: WHOOSH!


    Panel 4. Having startled Gabe, Nora kicked him in the groin area. His eyes bulging as he felt the pain.

    5 SFX: OOFF!


    Panel 5. With her bag in tow, Nora runs off away from the car towards the nearest exit. We can see behind her, Gabe is cupping his balls from the surprise attack.


    PAGE EIGHT (five panels)

    Panel 1. Full width establishing shot of Richardís car materializing, almost like magic. It did a sharp swerved, cutting off Nora. Nora stop short to avoid colliding with the car that had appeared out of nowhere. We now know that Richard and his car are no longer invisible.

    Panel 2. Richard brakes and opens the passenger door. Nora stands in shock at the sudden appearance of the car.

    1 RICHARD: GET IN!


    Panel 3. View through the wind shield, looking in. Nora looks back behind the car. Trying to see if Gabe decided to follow them but saw nothing. Richard drives the car very fast. He looks intense, like heís driving in a race.

    2 NORA: I DONíT THINK WEíRE FOLLOWED.


    Panel 4. Similar view point as panel 3. Richard glances at Nora. He now looks very guilty. Nora looks at him, puzzled.

    Panel 5. It hit Nora that it canít be a coincidence that her uncle just happens to be in the vicinity. She crosses her arms, turns to face him and frowned.

    3 NORA: WAIT A MINUTE.

    4 NORA: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING ME?


    PAGE NINE (seven panels)

    Panel 1. Nora slouched in her seat with one leg up on the dashboard

    1 NORA: PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNíT ABOUT YOUR IMAGINARY HUNTER. THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. THE REASON WHY YOU MADE ME LIVE LIKE A FUGITIVE.

    2 RICHARD: THEY ARE NOT IMAGINARYÖ

    Panel 2. Nora shakes her head, unable to believe that she is in this predicament Ė again.

    3 NORA: OH GAWDÖ WE WERE ALWAYS MOVING. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO A KID LIKE ME? I MEAN, I CANíT BELIEVE YOUíRE DOING THIS TO ME AGAIN.


    Panel 3. Richard point his finger as he talk like he is trying to teach Nora a lesson.

    4 RICHARD: NORA, THEY DO EXIST. AND ONE OF THEM JUST POINTED A GUN AT YOU.

    5 RICHARD: A GUN!


    Panel 4. Nora sits sullenly looking bored like she had heard this preached a dozen times before.

    6 NORA: GREATÖ HERE WE GO AGAIN.

    7 NORA: HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT THAT MAYBE HE ISNíT ONE OF YOURÖ


    Panel 4. Nora hold up two fingers on both hand forming two quotation marks.

    7 NORA: ďIMAGINARY STALKERĒ


    Panel 5. Richard looks desperately at Nora, begging her with his eyes to trust him.

    8 RICHARD: NORA, YOU JUST WITNESS PROOF THAT IíM NOT CRAZY. THERE IS SOMEONE TRYING TO KILL US.

    9 RICHARD: NOW IíM SORRY I COULDNíT TELL YOU THE WHOLE TRUTH BEFORE BUTÖ


    Panel 6. Close up on Noraís face. She has had enough and just wants to get away from him.

    10 NORA: PULL OVER.


    Panel 7. Richard looks at Nora surprised. He sees that she is dead serious.

    11 RICHARD:WHAT?

    12 NORA: STOP THE CAR! I WANT OUT.


    PAGE TEN (six panels)

    Panel 1. Establishing shot. The car had pulled over by the road side. On one side is a newly built office building. On the other is another one still under construction. Both are three stories high. Along the road, there are many more signs of construction going on. But, there isnít anyone working on site. Both Nora and Richard had gotten out of the car. She is yelling at him in frustration.

    1 NORA: YOU THINK THE BOOGIE MAN IS AFTER US. I KNOW BETTER NOW. IíM NOT A LITTLE GIRL ANYMORE. IíVE GROWN UP. SO DONíT DRAG ME INTO YOUR MESS EVER AGAIN.

    2 NORA: IíVE GOT MY OWN CRAZIES AFTER ME. I DONíT NEED YOU TO CREATE MORE OF THEM.


    Panel 2. Nora walks away from her uncle and then turns for a final word.

    3 NORA: I THINK ITíS TIME YOU GET SOME HELP.


    Panel 3. Richard as he runs after her. Not wanting to lose her again.

    4 RICHARD: NORA WAIT!


    Panel 4. Medium shot of Richard catching up to Nora and grabbing her wrist.

    5 RICHARD: WAIT. PLEASE.


    Panel 5. Close up on Richard pressing a button on his watch.

    6 SFX: BEEP! BEEP!


    Panel 6. Pull back a little to show Richard and Nora fading out.


    PAGE ELEVEN (one panel)

    Panel 1. Full page establishing shot of their surroundings. Nora and her uncle is still standing in the same spot Ė near the construction site. Only now, we see that there are other buildings overlapping them. The new ones are translucent. They also bare a much different style of architecture, much more futuristic with a touch of art nouveau. Tall spires and towers, railings of unknown nature and floating lights drifting mysteriously against an emerald sky. Nora and her uncle are dwarfed by the majestic display of this grandiose structure. Nora looks agape, surprised and unable to believe what sheís seeing while Richard just stood there, watching her reaction. Not at all perturb by their surroundings.



  2. TomLupo Guest

    HONESTLY...THE BANTER WAS TOO SHORT..EVERY SENTENCE WAS A FEW WORDS.



  3. Rustyhook Guest

    So the "banter" doesn't fill the panels... so what. The beginning had a gumshoe/mystery feel. I would expect a character like Richard to have little to say. And as far as the "banter" between the girl and Gabe... it made sense. One doesn't get into in depth conversations with someone in their car with a gun to them... and I'm sure the gun toting type are men of few words. There are writers out there who do too much dialogue *cough* Ostrander! *cough*... I enjoyed reading this.



  4. TomLupo Guest

    just my opinion.....i like my mystery/crime stories word heavy.....like brubaker on criminal.



  5. Rustyhook Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by TomLupo View Post
    just my opinion.....i like my mystery/crime stories word heavy.....like brubaker on criminal.
    HAHAHA!!!! Nice analogy!



  6. TomLupo Guest

    YOU DO REALIZE I'M ON MEDS??



  7. jumpoffabuilding Guest

    thanks for the feedback guys. gave me a lot to think about... personally, i'm not much into excess dialogue... anyway, working on finishing the story now.



  8. BrandonBarrows Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by Rustyhook View Post
    HAHAHA!!!! Nice analogy!
    That's not an analogy. That's an example.



  9. Rustyhook Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by BrandonBarrows View Post
    That's not an analogy. That's an example.
    Meh! Poe-tay-toe, poe-tah-toe!

    But you're right. I should be paying closer attention!



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