Damn, I'm annoyed at myself. Rereading Steven's edit, I looked at this with a little more depth:
But now I realise what the actual glaring flaw here is. Like Steven says, the timeline. In fact, the two pages of origin, and the giant robot battle are supposed to be two seperate scenes, taking place years apart from one another. But I do NOTHING to indicate this in the actual script! So of course anyone reading would assume one follows on directly from the other. Silly me.... :mad:
That's really annoying me now, as it's such a glaring flaw that went totally under my radar an all my rereads, redrafts and checking. Evidently simply signposting the scene on pages 4-5 as "30 Years Ago" isn't enough. At the very least I need to signpost the scene on pages 2-3 as "35 Years Ago" or whatever, and even then the jumping around might be a bit disorientating. I'll need to think a bit about how I'm approaching this.
Alright, I have no idea what comes next in the script at all and please take my "ideas" with a grain of salt, but...
Couldn't you just keep it as is? Go with what Steven (and a lot of people thought, including myself) and have the battle be the first time "The Standard" suited up? Maybe this is his first battle and he saves a young boy (instead of the woman) - and I'll give you one guess who this boy will become.
This way you won't have to "jump" around a whole lot. And right after the scene with the giant robot you can cut to the present with the grown up Fabu-Lad knee deep in his own problems.
And here's a theme to explore:
Because maybe Fabu-Lad always need saving? And once The Standard is gone and Fabu-Lad is grown up, will maybe no one can save him from himself, you know?
Like I said, take with a grain of salt - I have read a plethora of comics and a lot of "real books" (like 4-6 a month - classics, modern books, etc) and I am a plot / theme junkie so I always love exploring and imagining these plot threads and themes.
That said, this is GREAT - I like where it's going and would pick it up.
also, side note: first post!!!
Welcome, and thanks for the feedback!
It's amazing what you find when you Google someone's name, my friend ... well, your pitch was intriguing enough that I didn't want to wait for it. The story's good, though I'd need to read the whole thing to have a better sense of it. Well done!
Stuart Pyper (aka S.B. Pyper)
Last edited by SBPyper; Sunday, May 17, 2009 at 06:19 AM. Reason: To add real name at bottom as per forum rules.