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Thread: TPG: Week 13- John Lees

  1. JohnLees Guest

    Damn, I'm annoyed at myself. Rereading Steven's edit, I looked at this with a little more depth:

    Quote Originally Posted by StevenForbes View Post
    Panel 4. High in the sky, so high the head of the robot only pops up at the bottom of the panel, The Standard and his sidekick Ė Fabu-Lad Ė hover in the air, looking down at their opponent. (And then you fall down. I said I was having a good time, and then you go and disappoint me. Hereís what youíve done: you set up The Standard, which is fine. Got his origin right out of the way. Then you having him don the uniform for what seems to be the first time. Then, the robot, which makes it seem like heís going on his first adventure. Iím following all of this with no problem. Then, Fabu-Lad comes out of nowhere. Iím no longer having a good time. Where did he come from? Youíve just wrecked your timeline and put a frown on my face.)
    And yeah, I'm a doofus. First time reading this criticism, I thought Steven's problem with it was simply that I introduced Fabu-Lad into the action without explaining his origin. And my response to that was gonna be, "Well, I get to that a little later."

    But now I realise what the actual glaring flaw here is. Like Steven says, the timeline. In fact, the two pages of origin, and the giant robot battle are supposed to be two seperate scenes, taking place years apart from one another. But I do NOTHING to indicate this in the actual script! So of course anyone reading would assume one follows on directly from the other. Silly me.... :mad:

    That's really annoying me now, as it's such a glaring flaw that went totally under my radar an all my rereads, redrafts and checking. Evidently simply signposting the scene on pages 4-5 as "30 Years Ago" isn't enough. At the very least I need to signpost the scene on pages 2-3 as "35 Years Ago" or whatever, and even then the jumping around might be a bit disorientating. I'll need to think a bit about how I'm approaching this.



  2. Marrrrkie Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by LiamBradley View Post
    Me too! My punctuation is awful!
    Yeah, when i was little i never got the point of punctuation, i figured i could get my point across without it.


    Not so much.



  3. Marrrrkie Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by JohnLees View Post
    Damn, I'm annoyed at myself. Rereading Steven's edit, I looked at this with a little more depth:



    And yeah, I'm a doofus. First time reading this criticism, I thought Steven's problem with it was simply that I introduced Fabu-Lad into the action without explaining his origin. And my response to that was gonna be, "Well, I get to that a little later."

    But now I realise what the actual glaring flaw here is. Like Steven says, the timeline. In fact, the two pages of origin, and the giant robot battle are supposed to be two seperate scenes, taking place years apart from one another. But I do NOTHING to indicate this in the actual script! So of course anyone reading would assume one follows on directly from the other. Silly me.... :mad:

    That's really annoying me now, as it's such a glaring flaw that went totally under my radar an all my rereads, redrafts and checking. Evidently simply signposting the scene on pages 4-5 as "30 Years Ago" isn't enough. At the very least I need to signpost the scene on pages 2-3 as "35 Years Ago" or whatever, and even then the jumping around might be a bit disorientating. I'll need to think a bit about how I'm approaching this.

    You just missed it because you're so close to the story.
    You know that it's a different time, it's obvious to you, so it's easy to forget to tell other people.
    I do the same thing all the time.



  4. LiamBradley Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by Marrrrkie View Post
    Yeah, when i was little i never got the point of punctuation, i figured i could get my point across without it.


    Not so much.
    Yeah I know what you mean!

    Damn puncuation, why you gotta exist



  5. RyanCatcher Guest

    Alright, I have no idea what comes next in the script at all and please take my "ideas" with a grain of salt, but...

    Couldn't you just keep it as is? Go with what Steven (and a lot of people thought, including myself) and have the battle be the first time "The Standard" suited up? Maybe this is his first battle and he saves a young boy (instead of the woman) - and I'll give you one guess who this boy will become.

    This way you won't have to "jump" around a whole lot. And right after the scene with the giant robot you can cut to the present with the grown up Fabu-Lad knee deep in his own problems.


    And here's a theme to explore:
    Because maybe Fabu-Lad always need saving? And once The Standard is gone and Fabu-Lad is grown up, will maybe no one can save him from himself, you know?

    Like I said, take with a grain of salt - I have read a plethora of comics and a lot of "real books" (like 4-6 a month - classics, modern books, etc) and I am a plot / theme junkie so I always love exploring and imagining these plot threads and themes.

    That said, this is GREAT - I like where it's going and would pick it up.

    also, side note: first post!!!



  6. JohnLees Guest

    Welcome, and thanks for the feedback!



  7. SBPyper Guest

    Ah, Johnny Boy ...

    It's amazing what you find when you Google someone's name, my friend ... well, your pitch was intriguing enough that I didn't want to wait for it. The story's good, though I'd need to read the whole thing to have a better sense of it. Well done!

    Stuart Pyper (aka S.B. Pyper)
    Last edited by SBPyper; Sunday, May 17, 2009 at 06:19 AM. Reason: To add real name at bottom as per forum rules.



  8. JohnLees Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by SBPyper View Post
    It's amazing what you find when you Google someone's name, my friend ... well, your pitch was intriguing enough that I didn't want to wait for it. The story's good, though I'd need to read the whole thing to have a better sense of it. Well done!

    Stuart Pyper (aka S.B. Pyper)
    Woah, hello Stuart! Thanks for signing up to show your support.

    (Now, go join Comic Book Club! :mad



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