As for my page turns... I don't know that I think they're incredibly compelling. I'm not entirely sure the whole thing is all that incredibly compelling. But I did try to place the page turns at points that seemed (relatively speaking) more compelling than others. So, much like the pitch we went round and round about on DW, I believe that I understand the purpose, but am just having trouble with the implementation. And it sounds like it's not even the points where the page turns fall that are a problem, so much as the lack of story to make those points mean anything.
On the rewrite of panel 1... That was an impressive bit of compressing. I don't think you covered quite everything I would want, but you came really darn close. Point taken.
On to the storytelling...
I'm not being obtuse about it being a story or not. I've agreed with you, at every point, that it isn't a story. And I'm not being obtuse about whether it should have been a story. I agree that it should have been, but I simply didn't approach it that way. That's the heart of the problem. This was (for me) primarily about presenting the setting. It was basically eight pages of exposition. Which was, apparently, a very bad idea.
If I'm being obtuse about anything, it's in wondering whether there's any significant character development I can do (or perhaps I should say want to do) within the scope of these events. Your comments about it being potentially saved by a few lines of dialogue made me wonder if you were seeing some glimmer of something I'd included by accident and missed. But now I don't think you have. Even your questions don't seem to lead to a story, just more exposition.
WHY is Talia out there in the dead of night? Because that's when the crime, forseen by the Diviners, is taking place. That explanation is already hinted at, and I could easily expand on it, but that won't make it a story. It's just more exposition about how the Inquisition works. What makes the shop so special? Nothing but being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nothing there that's a story. What makes this set of crimes special enough to warrant an Inquisitor? All magical crimes warrant an Inquisitor. Still just more exposition. Easily added, but still not a story.
None of those are the right questions. But this one...
How can this lead into something of a mystery for something bigger than the doofus she takes down? Now there's the right question.
Logically, any bigger mystery should really relate to the events we talked about in my pitch attempt on DW, but, as written, this script doesn't work for that. I damn well should have written something that would lead into that mystery (and I'm honestly kicking myself for not doing it in the first place) but it wouldn't remotely be this script. So it looks like a restart from scratch is probably the right approach. Maybe I can re-use some bits and pieces.
Maybe I'll send in a piece of something else, just to see if I can tell a story when I set out to. Do you mind if the submission is a portion of something that's unfinished?