The quote is in there for me... I should have taken it out. It's Churchill. I want this to have that kinda feel to it. People who have their "smooth edges" chipped awayas they safeguard the UK/Humanity.
I can see why Editors are vital in the writing process. I went over that time and time again looking for errors I'd missed and thought "Nope, that's got them all" and WHAM! "floor" used outside.
Onto the dreaded semi colon. I recentley attended a letter writing refresher course in work and they explained that the semi colon can be used to show a longer pause in a scentence. So I tried to give longer "beats" to the dialogue but I guess I went a bit mental with it.
For the first page you were spot on. I was going for the horror stable (the camera is the monster and the victim walks on oblivious to the danger) I think I'll get a growl thrown in there to alert the victim and let us know something's up.
The idea behind panel 3 of page 3 in there to hint at the monster but to not give the whole gig away. I refer to the fur sample later on in the script too. I was trying to set up some clues (but like captain obvious perhaps I lack subtlety)
And once again to the essential team member -the editor - for my final point. THE NAME!!! It's a doosie. Might not be so hard for a brit to get behind (quite a famous footballer of the the same name) but I have had a LOT of people ask how the hell it's pronounced... It's a friends sirname and I got attached to it as I wrote it. Needed an "outsider" to just say WTF? I'll get something else in there.
Oh and the mystery woman/confusion. I was toying with using Gordon Brown and I thought.. Nah Brown wouldn't pop to a murder scene and then I thought of an M type woman.. but now I'm not sure