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Thread: TPG: Week 31- Barri Lang

  1. BarriLang Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by Dungbeetle View Post
    if you want the smile on panel 4, why not direct the artist to not show the stranger's mouth until that panel?
    What I was trying to do with the smile was having him reveal himself as the (or one of the) killers. By showing his face as passive as he watches sure he looks creepy (or is meant to) and out of place. This would pique (is that the right word? I'm spelling how I heard it ) Dalglieshes interest... then the smile would give him cause to whip out his side arm and giving chase.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dungbeetle View Post
    If this guy's got a hood on, to hide his face, then why are we privvy to it for so long?
    Being from the UK you know as well as I do that hoodies (people in hooded tops) are usually guilty of something
    Last edited by BarriLang; Monday, August 24, 2009 at 02:50 PM.



  2. BarriLang Guest

    Ok. Here's an edit of page 3's dialogue with all the captain obvious moments and the semi colons taken out.

    Page 3
    Panel 1

    Medium shot. Dalgleish has crouched next to the man in white overalls. The CSI in white overalls is reaching for something with a pair of tweezers.

    Dalgleish
    What’ve you got Davies?

    CSI
    The kids covered in the same deep lacerations the other victims had.

    Panel 2
    Close up of a hand holding tweezers and pulling a small clump of hair/fur from a wound on the body

    Panel 3
    Close shot. Dalgleish’s POV. The Fur in the F/G held up by the CSI(B/G).

    CSI
    Dalgleish, look!.

    Panel 4
    Medium shot of Dalgleish and the CSI. CSI is still holding up the sample. In the B/G a black land rover has pulled up to the curb.

    Dalgleish
    What’s that muck all over it?.


    Panel 5
    As above except that Dalgleish is standing with his back to the reader. He looks down at the CSI.

    CSI
    Diesel by the smell of it, the lab should be able narrow down the source.


    Dalgleish
    Good. I want you finished and this place sterilised within the hour.

    CSI
    Yes Sir.



    Have that fixed it?

    Less stating the obvious plus I got Dalgleishes name in a page earlier



  3. StevenForbes Guest

    Better!

    Still a few problems, but this is MUCH better than the first page.

    You don't need two panels showing the fur.

    Dalgliesh, look!--that line should never be uttered again. Ever.

    You still have his back to the reader. And this is because?

    Overall, nice work. It reads better. Now, just fix your lack of commas!



  4. BarriLang Guest

    Dalgleish, look! Was me trying to shoe horn the name in earlier than I originally had. The reason I didn't sooner was it just felt unatural (like it does now :-))

    And the back to him... Basically he's snapping to attention, not literally, but he's letting his superior know he's on his way... at least that's what I was trying to show



  5. StevenForbes Guest

    Neither one of those comes off well.

    I know you're gathering that, but I just wanted to make it official.



  6. BarriLang Guest

    It's official

    Consider it changed.



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