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Thread: Week 60- Scheduling

  1. JohnLees Guest

    Right, posting the first of what is supposed to be two short scripts due today on Steven's timeline. Due to various unexpected jobs popping up to distract and delay me, I got this finished much later than I would have liked. I don't know if I can get a second script done with the time I have left tonight, but I'll see what I can do. For now, here is the first script - the way it broke down, it ended up as 8 pages instead of 6, which I hope is okay:

    BABY IT'S YOU


    PAGE ONE (7 panels)

    Panel 1. It’s night-time, and we’re in a dimly-lit bedroom in a rundown cabin. We open with a medium shot of Mark Hollander, a balding, middle-aged man, carrying his wife, Susan, in his arms, in what looks like a grotesque parody of a groom carrying his bride over the threshold. Both are covered in blood.

    Title. BABY IT’S YOU


    Panel 2. A close-up of Susan, close enough that we can see the blood is gushing from a bite wound in her shoulder.

    SUSAN: OH GOD, MARK! IT GOT ME! IT GOT ME!


    Panel 3. Mark has laid Susan down on the bed. He is now standing over her, holding a cloth in place over the wound on her shoulder.

    MARK: HOLD THIS AGAINST YOUR SHOULDER FOR ME, SUSAN. IT… IT’S OKAY.

    SUSAN: DON’T LEAVE ME.

    MARK: I’M NOT LEAVING, BABY. I NEED TO LOCK UP.


    Panel 4. Long shot of Mark, staggering across the cabin hall as if in a trance. With this shot we can get a better sense of the couples’ “home”, dark and dingy, with the most basic of kitchens visible in the background. Standing before Mark, to the extreme right of the panel, is the heavy front door.


    Panel 5. One of two smaller panels, focusing in on Mark locking the cabin door. It is a triple lock system, and at the moment this panel captures, Mark has already fastened two locks, and is in the process of
    locking the third.

    SFX: CLICK


    Panel 6. The second smaller panel. Mark has now affixed a large wooden board over the door with an electric screwdriver, and is in the process of screwing in the nails to hold a second board in place below it.

    SFX: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!


    Panel 7. Medium shot of Mark, looking down at his trembling, bloodstained hands. He is in shock, his face devoid of expression.


    PAGE TWO (6 panels)

    Panel 1. Long shot of Mark standing in the tiny bathroom, turning on the tap.


    Panel 2. Close-up of Mark’s hands as he attempts to wash the blood off them. As the water sprays down onto his hands, the blood spirals along the basin and down the drain. Depending on whether you think the angle is practical, it might also be a nice touch to work in a grimy bathroom mirror above the basin, with a reflection of Mark’s face in it, eyes cast downward.


    Panel 3. This panel could be black-and-white, to demonstrate that it is a flashback. It’s early morning in this scene, where we have a long shot of Mark and Susan packing belongings into their car. The car is parked in a driveway, and in the background we can see the front of a large, welcoming suburban home.

    SUSAN: ARE YOU SURE WE’RE DOING THE RIGHT THING?

    MARK: WE HAVE NO CHOICE. NOBODY’S COMING TO SAVE US! I’M NOT WAITING AROUND UNTIL WE’RE SURROUNDED BY… BY THEM!


    Panel 4. The flashback continues, so still black-and-white. A medium shot of Mark and Susan standing by their car, with Mark pulling Susan into a tight, protective embrace.

    SUSAN: MARK… I’M SCARED.

    MARK: ME TOO, BABY. BUT WE’LL GET BY, WE ALWAYS HAVE. I’LL KEEP YOU SAFE.


    Panel 5. The flashback continues, so still black-and-white. A close-up of Susan’s terrified face, tears in her eyes.

    SUSAN: WHATEVER HAPPENS, DON’T LET… THAT HAPPEN TO ME.


    Panel 6. Back to the present day now, with a long shot of Mark in the bathroom. Now, he has slumped down onto his knees, his cheek rested against the basin, a hand tugging at his hair. His face is contorted into a silent scream of agony.


    PAGE THREE (6 panels)

    Panel 1. A long shot of Mark as he walks into the kitchen. He has now composed himself, and washed most of the blood off his face and arms. He is smiling slightly now, recalling a happy memory.

    MARK: REMEMBER OUR FIRST DATE? I HAD IT ALL WORKED OUT. WE’D HAVE A CANDLELIT DINNER AT A RESTAURANT BY THE SHORE, SHARE A ROMANTIC MOMENT OUT UNDER THE STARS.


    Panel 2. In the bedroom, Susan is sitting up on the bed, still covered in blood. Her knees are bunched up to her chin, as if she’s hugging herself. And one hand presses the cloth tightly against her shoulder to prevent further bleeding. She stares ahead, her expression blank, making no reply to Mark.

    MARK (O.P.): AND OF COURSE, IT STARTS… POURING WITH RAIN. IN JULY! SO WE’RE RUNNING DOWN THE STREET, WITH OUR FOOD IN DOGGIE BAGS, AND THAT CAB DRIVES RIGHT PAST US, SPLASHING A PUDDLE ALL OVER YOU!

    Panel 3. A low-angle long shot from behind Mark. Still in the kitchen, he has opened a storage cupboard under the sink, and is on his knees, his upper body vanished inside, rummaging around for something.

    MARK: YOU LAY YOUR JACKET ON THE PAVEMENT, SIT ON IT, AND GO BACK TO YOUR MEAL. YOU LOOKED UP AT ME, FOOD DANGLING FROM YOUR MOUTH, AND YOU WERE JUST SO… PISSED OFF!


    Panel 4. A low-angle medium shot, looking up at the kneeling Mark, who has emerged from the storage cupboard with a hammer in his hand. He is absently tapping the flat end of the hammer against the knuckles of his other hand, smiling fondly as he retells his story.

    MARK: THEN WE BOTH STARTED LAUGHING! HA HA! SO I SAT DOWN ACROSS FROM YOU, AND JOINED IN. A PICNIC IN THE RAIN.


    Panel 5. A close-up of Susan in the bedroom, her eyes cast sadly downward.

    SUSAN: THAT WAS A GOOD DAY.


    Panel 6. The same low-angle medium shot as Panel 4, but now Mark’s smile has faded, and his expression is grim. He is tapping the chiselled end of the hammer into his palm, staring at it intently.

    MARK: YES. YES IT WAS.


    PAGE FOUR (6 panels)

    Panel 1. An establishing shot of an abandoned city centre in the afternoon. Unmanned cars clog up the roads, and debris and bloodstains are scattered everywhere. But amid this scene of desolation, only one person can be found. Sergeant Joe Ernest, a uniformed soldier in his 30s, holding a rifle slung over his shoulder.


    Panel 2. A close-up of Sgt. Ernest’s surprised face as he hears a voice behind him.

    MARK (O.P.): EXCUSE ME?


    Panel 3. Medium shot of Sgt. Ernest as he spins around, aiming his rifle.

    ERNEST: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? NAME!


    Panel 4. Long shot from Ernest’s POV of Mark. Mark stands before him, wearing a beaten-up anorak, his hands in the air.

    MARK: MY NAME’S HOLLANDER. MARK HOLLANDER. CAN YOU HELP ME, PLEASE?


    Panel 5. Medium profile shot of Mark and Ernest facing each other. Ernest has lowered his rifle, but is still eyeing Mark suspiciously.

    ERNEST: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

    MARK: IT… IT’S MY WIFE. SHE’S… SICK. I CAN’T, BUT… SOMEBODY NEEDS TO… HELP HER.


    Panel 6. Medium shot of Ernest. His expression has softened into one of sympathy and understanding.

    ERNEST: WHERE IS SHE?

    MARK (O.P.): SHE’S AT THE PLACE WE’VE BEEN STAYING. I COULD TAKE YOU THERE, I HAVE A CAR.

    ERNEST: …OKAY.


    PAGE FIVE (6 panels)

    Panel 1. Exterior shot, looking in through the front windscreen of the car. Mark and Sgt. Ernest sit in the car, both looking straight ahead with grim expressions. It is now dark outside, suggesting they have been driving for quite a while.


    Panel 2. Establishing shot from Ernest’s POV. We’re now in the woods, trees leaning forward threateningly in the darkness, and up ahead lies a battered, rundown cabin – small, but sturdily built - with boarded up windows and a barricaded front door.

    ERNEST (O.P.): THIS US?


    Panel 3. Long shot of the car, which has now come to a halt. Ernest has stepped out of the car, and is now leaning back inside to look at Mark, who is still sitting at the wheel, staring straight ahead.

    ERNEST: HOLLANDER?


    Panel 4. Medium shot of Mark from Ernest’s POV. Mark, sat at the driver’s seat, is looking up at Ernest – which from this angle appears as if he’s looking out at us. His eyes are red raw and haunted, his face ashen.

    MARK: THANK YOU. FOR YOUR KINDNESS.


    Panel 5. Long shot of Ernest standing in front of the cabin, facing outwards, checking the ammo in his rifle. Behind him, Mark is busy unscrewing the boards put in place over the door.


    Panel 6. The cabin door has swung open, the blackness beyond its threshold impenetrable. In the foreground at the bottom of the panel, Mark and Ernest exchange tentative glances.


    PAGE SIX (5 panels)

    Panel 1. Long shot from inside the darkened cabin, looking out at Mark and Ernest as they enter. Ernest is in front, his rifle armed and ready, with the light on the barrel shining ahead of him. Mark is behind him, still lingering by the doorway, clutching onto a flashlight.


    Panel 2. Medium shot of Mark and Ernest, further into the cabin. They now stand at the threshold of the bedroom, looking in. Sgt. Ernest’s eyes have widened with horror, but Mark – peering from behind Ernest’s shoulder – is eerily calm, solemn.

    MARK: THIS IS SUSAN. SHE’S SO SICK. SO SICK…


    Panel 3. I imagine this would be the dominant panel of the page, a long shot reveal of Susan Hollander, or rather the creature that used to be Susan. Sitting on the floor at the far end of the bedroom, it is wrapped up in a straitjacket, and around that is a harness linking up to a heavy chain that seems to vanish under a hole in the floorboards in the corner. Its neck is craned upwards in a predatory, inhuman manner, parting its wild, haggard hair to reveal a hideous, snarling face. Its cracked, peeling skin has a rotten white-gray complexion, framing soulless, solid-white eyes.

    SUSAN: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHRRRRRRRRRRR…..

    ERNEST (O.P.): MARK, YOU MIGHT WANT TO GO OUTSIDE.


    Panel 4. Close-up of Sgt. Ernest as he aims his rifle.

    ERNEST: SORRY, SUSAN.


    Panel 5. Same close-up shot, but here Ernest is being hit on the back of the head with a hammer. He’s wincing in the pain, and in the process of collapsing onto the floor.

    SFX: THWACK!

    ERNEST: NNG!


    PAGE SEVEN (7 panels)

    Panel 1. Low-angle long shot, looking up at Mark. In the foreground at the bottom of the panel, Sgt. Ernest is lying on his back, clutching his bleeding head, his rifle fallen out of reach. Mark is standing over him, his hammer raised overhead, his eyes wide with terror. For the lighting in this panel, I thought it’d be cool to have Ernest lit by Mark’s flashlight, which he is pointing into his face with the hand not holding the hammer. Mark, meanwhile, is lit by the light on Ernest’s discarded rifle, with the low upward angle the light is shining at him from giving Mark’s face a suddenly ghoulish appearance, like when you hold a flashlight under your chin.

    MARK: NO… I’M SORRY.


    Panel 2. First in a series of three small panels. Medium shot of Mark as he lunges downwards with a pained scream, bringing the hammer crashing down onto Ernest’s face.

    MARK: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

    SFX: THWACK!


    Panel 3. Second in series of three. Same medium shot, as Mark brings the hammer crashing down again. He appears horrified by what he is doing, but still he continues. One of Ernest’s hands is clenched into a weak fist, while the other desperately presses against Mark’s face.

    SFX: THWACK!


    Panel 4. Third in series of three. Same medium shot, as Mark once again brings the hammer crashing down onto Ernest’s face. He looks even more horrified now, and a tear is running down his left cheek. As the hammer strikes, flecks of blood spurt up, and more have already splashed across Mark’s face. Ernest’s hands, meanwhile, have gone limp.

    SFX: THWACK!


    Panel 5. Long shot in profile, with Mark standing on the right side of the panel, holding up the unconscious Ernest by the shoulders. On the left side of the panel, Susan faces them, tugging furiously at her restraints, rabid with hunger.

    SUSAN: UHR! UHR! UUUUUUUUUHR!


    Panel 6. An over-the-shoulder shot from behind Mark, as he throws Sgt. Ernest onto Susan. Susan is lunging for Ernest as he falls, mouth open and teeth bared.

    SUSAN: UUUUHRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGH!

    Panel 7. Close-up of Susan, as it sinks its teeth into Sgt. Ernest’s throat, causing blood to spray out violently.

    SFX: SCHLUNK!


    PAGE EIGHT (5 panels)

    Panel 1. Long shot of Mark, sitting on the floor, his hands pressed to his mouth in horror as he watches Susan devour Sgt. Ernest. The rifle lies on the floor next to him.

    CAP/SUSAN: " WHATEVER HAPPENS, DON’T LET… THAT HAPPEN TO ME."


    Panel 2. Over-the-shoulder shot from behind Mark, now holding the rifle and looking down at it. In the background, we get a glimpse of Susan continuing to feast on Sgt. Ernest’s flesh.

    MARK: I’M SORRY, BABY. I’M SORRY I LET YOU DOWN. I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, TRIED TO DO IT, BUT… HOW COULD I KILL YOU? YOU’RE MY GIRL, SUSAN.


    Panel 3. Medium shot of Mark. He’s smiling now, a glint of madness in his eye.

    MARK: YOU MIGHT NOT LOVE ME, ANYMORE. BUT MAYBE… MAYBE IF I PROVIDE FOR YOU, GIVE YOU THE THINGS YOU NEED, YOU MIGHT LEARN TO LOVE ME AGAIN.


    Panel 4. Medium shot of Susan, caked in blood. It has finished its meal, and is now eyeing Mark hungrily.

    MARK (O.P.): MAYBE NOT. BUT I’LL ALWAYS BE HERE, FOR YOU. I WON’T ABANDON YOU, I WON’T EVER LET YOU DOWN AGAIN. YOU AND ME, SUSAN…


    Panel 5. Long shot in profile, of Mark and Susan. Kneeling forward, Mark has reached out, and rested his hand on the tip of Susan’s foot – the one part of her body he can touch without the immediate risk of being bitten himself. He looks up at her lovingly as she sits there, legs outstretched, the bloodied remains of Sgt. Ernest scattered on the floor between them.

    MARK: …I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, BABY.

    BOTTOM CAP: END.



  2. JohnLees Guest

    Right, here's script number two. I'm fully aware of how awful this one is, this was mainly just me having a bit of fun. Also, since my other script was 8 pages, I made this one 4 pages to even out the balance. Or more accurately, because its past 1am and I want to go to bed rather than write two more pages!

    THE DUBIOUS DEATH OF DENNIS DREYFUSS


    PAGE ONE (3 panels)

    Panel 1. A large panel taking up the majority of the page, also to allow room to accommodate the enormous title. This is an interior establishing shot of a cosy little café on a busy street corner. It’s a bright summer afternoon, and so the light fills the café, creating a warm, welcoming atmosphere. In the extreme foreground, we see staff busy at work behind the counter. There are two tables on either side of the door, each rested against full-length glass panes with a view of the street outside. On the table to the left of the door, a rowdy group of teens laugh and talk amongst themselves, while a middle-aged waitress puts their plates on the table. On the table to the far right of the café, a lone man in a black coat, with a black fedora hat and shades, sits bolt upright on his seat, staring ahead intently. In the centre of the panel, standing in front of the open door, clutching a briefcase tightly against his chest, is Dennis Dreyfuss.

    Title. THE DUBIOUS DEATH OF DENNIS DREYFUSS


    Panel 2. Medium shot of Dennis, anxiously looking out the window, as he edges his way into the table to the right of the door, about to sit on the chair facing the door.

    CAP: SAY HELLO TO DENNIS DREYFUSS.


    Panel 3. Dennis is now sitting on the chair, still clutching the briefcase. He looks terrified. Now that he is seated, in the background behind him we can see the man in black, glaring at the back of Dennis’ head.

    CAP: TWO MINUTES FROM NOW… HE WILL BE DEAD.


    PAGE TWO (5 panels)

    Panel 1. Medium shot of Lou, the chef, and Margie, the middle-aged waitress, standing behind the counter. Lou is leaning against the open door leading back into the kitchen, as if he’s only just stepped out for a quick word.

    SFX: BANG!

    LOU: THERE GOES THAT OVEN AGAIN. THAT THING’S TEMPREMENTAL, MARGIE.

    MARGIE: I TELL YA, LOU, ONE A’ THESE DAYS YER GONNA SWITCH THAT OVEN ON, AND THE WHOLE GOSHDARN CAFÉ’S GONNA JUST… BLOW UP!


    Panel 2. A medium shot of Dennis. He now has the suitcase sat on the table, with his fingers tightly gripping the table’s edge. He looks outside the window, as if keeping an eye out for some dangerous individual chasing him. Behind him, Margie sits coffee down in front of the man in black.


    Panel 3. Margie is now standing next to Dennis, looking down at him with a notepad in her hand. Dennis is gawking up at her open-mouthed, recoiled back against the window with fright.

    MARGIE: WHAT CAN I GET YA, HONEY?

    DENNIS: AAAH! UH…I… COFFEE! I’LL TAKE A COFFEE.


    Panel 4. Close-up of the man in black, as he takes a loud slurp of his coffee.

    SFX: SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!


    Panel 5. Close-up of Dennis, his eyes widening in terror, big beads of sweat trickling down from his forehead.

    SFX: SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!


    PAGE THREE (9 panels)

    Panel 1. Close-up of Dennis, as he looks over his shoulder at the source of the slurping.


    Panel 2. Close-up of the man in black, smirking knowingly at him.


    Panel 3. Close-up of the briefcase on the table.


    Panel 4. Close-up of Dennis’ terrified face.


    Panel 5. Close-up of the man in black’s hand reaching into the pocket of his coat.


    Panel 6. Extreme close-up of the sunglasses covering the man in black’s eyes.


    Panel 7. Extreme close-up of Dennis’ widened, bloodshot eyes.
    SFX: BANG!


    Panel 8. Close-up of the man in black holding the tiny teddy bear key-ring he has just taken out from his pocket.

    MARGIE: THAT GOSHDARN OVEN, AGAIN!


    Panel 9. Close-up of Dennis, slumping back in his seat and smiling with relief.


    PAGE FOUR (2 panels)

    Panel 1. A long shot of a GIANT F**KING GRIZZLY BEAR crashing through the glass pane right next to Dennis, who looks like he’s just crapped his pants.

    SFX: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!

    DENNIS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!


    Panel 2. In the foreground, we have a medium shot of the man in black as he looks over his shoulder, looking directly out at the reader. Behind him, in the background, the GIANT F**KING GRIZZLY BEAR mauls Dennis to death while Margie and the group of teenagers look on in horror.

    SFX: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR……..

    MAN IN BLACK: DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING, DID YOU?

    :BOTTOM CAP: FIN.



  3. JohnLees Guest

    Just an update - I do intend to post up a graphic novel pitch tonight, as per the Thursday requirements on Steve's challenge. I have the idea in my head, just having a hard time formulating a coherent pitch out of it. As I'm sure I've said before, I find pitching even harder than scripting, to be honest!



  4. JohnLees Guest

    Aaaaah, sorry, not happening guys. I have the idea, but I just can't seem to get it condensed into an effective pitch with the time I've got. It's past midnight, so I think I'm throwing my hands up in surrender with this challenge. Oh well. At least I made it halfway through...



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