Thanks for the comments, Steve! I'm really glad you liked the story, as odd and nonsensical as it was.
I definitely agree with your various notes:
- Reducing page 1 from 6 panels to 5 was something that occurred to me after I had sent the script off. Like you say, panel 5 would work well as a page-ender, plus I think panel 3 could use a little more room to breathe - I squeezed a lot into that for it to only get 1/6th of a page.
- I was kicking myself over that instance of too much dialogue in panel 4, which I again noticed after sending. When I've finished a script I read over it all to spot errors, THEN go back and correct them. I spotted that this panel had about 10 words too many, thought "Oh, I'll have to change that", then totally forgot about it. I do have a bad habit of being overly verbose in my writing. I think it's a particular problem with next week's script, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. :eek:
- In terms of panel descriptions, with the strip club interior I thought I'd leave the artist with a little creative freedom to have fun with it, rather than possibly retricting him, but you're right that even some rudimentary set-up of the place (eg, glitter and class or low-rent sleaze?) might have helped. You're right on the SMILE-A-WHILE clinic panel description, though. I need to at least give an idea of location. It turns out to be on a busy street later in the script, but the artist would be pissed if he got to page 19 or whenever it was, only to realise earlier he'd drawn it isolated in the middle of a parking lot.
- Ah, the porno scene. Yeah, I myself was a bit worried about how this scene would be recieved. I didn't want it to seem like I was turning the comic into a porno. The focus on hairy man-arse was my attempt to make the sequence feel as distinctly UN-erotic as possible. But it still may be a bit too much.
- I was particularly worried about how Steve was going to respond to page 7. After he gave Joe Webb such a hard time over the inclusion of a panel focused on the schoolbell, I thought my decision to have not one but two panels featuring a close-up on a dog turd on the sidewalk would have him pulling his hair out. Mercifully, however, Steve wrapped up his edit on page 6.
I don't know if you read any more of the script, Steve, but if you did I'd be happy to hear some of your thoughts on it over e-mail or whatever. Thanks again for taking the time to edit these 6 pages - it's encouraging to know I'm doing something right!