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Thread: '09 Thanksgiving Special -WWFD?

  1. harryd Guest

    '09 Thanksgiving Special -WWFD?

    Hello all,

    Since Calvin's going to be taking the week off for the Holiday's, I decided to do a little aside column for the week (and yes, I talked to Calvin about it first.) I've been doing a script that has been a paid editing job for Forby (and yes, it may be partially my fault he quit, but save the rotten fruit for the end), so I thought it might be interesting to post some of it up, both pre- and post- commentary, for people to look over.

    Basically it will go like this: Each day I will post up either an original unrevised page, or the page with Steven's comments. If people would like, they can try to catch the errors before I post up the notes pointing them out. Sort of, What Would Forby Do? Hopefully, people find this informational, since learning about script writing is kind of the point of TPG. Anyhow, here's a selection from the first (read bad) draft I sent over to him. I'll post up his comments tomorrow evening in this thread.

    Page One (four panels)

    Panel One. It is late in the evening, and Jane is driving a red Chevrolet Corvair down a two lane highway, which is bordered by oak and maple trees. The point of view is from outside the car, slightly above the hood and at a slight angle, looking in through the windshield towards Jane. Her shoulders are slouched, and she is gazing out at the road ahead with sleepy, half-lidded eyes.

    CAP:
    Summer, 1975.

    JANE:
    Yawn.

    Panel Two. A perspective from Jane's point of view, as she reaches over to turn on the car radio. At the top edge this panel, the bottom half of the rear view mirror can be seen, which reflects a tiny speck of red flame in the sky of the dark roadway behind the car.

    SFX - Radio (I see the music from the radio as yellow text sort of floating over the radio, with the text opening and closing with notes.):
    *Click* A-where she'll stay-ay

    Panel Three. A return to the original point of view, looking in towards Jane from outside the car. She is looking at the rear view mirror in surprise, her earlier signs of fatigue gone.

    Jane:
    What in the world...?

    SFX - Radio (small):
    My little...

    Panel Four. Same point of view as above. Jane has turned and is looking out the rear window of the car. A red glow emanating from something above (and off panel) lights the back portion of the car.

    SFX - Radio (small):
    Run, Run, Runaway.

    Page Two (one panel)

    Panel One. A high angle view of Jane's car. The car is starting to flip and go into a roll. Currently it is turned so that the front end is pointed towards the opposite lane and it is partially raised up off two wheels. The roof of the car is being impacted by a large ball of fire, with only the hood really sticking out from under it. A town's welcome sign, raised up on a pair of wooden posts, is on the side of the road. It is on the same side that Jane was driving along, a little ahead of the car.

    ROAD SIGN (first two lines are in large easy to read print, while the last line is in a smaller more stylish italics):
    "Welcome to
    Hope, Vermont.
    A great place for a new beginning.
    "

    SFX:
    Ka-Boom!

    (Credits also appear on this page)

    Page Three (four panels)

    Panel One. A slightly elevated view from behind the accident, with a perspective looking down towards the car. The car has flipped on its side, and is currently crashing through one of the posts that hold up the welcome sign. The bottom of the car is faced towards the reader, and bits of flame can be seen poking out over the top edge of the car.

    SFX- Car through post:
    Crack!

    Panel Two. The car has continued to flip, and is now upside down and slightly off the ground. It has cleared the wooden post and is rolling towards the woods surrounding the road. The interior of the car is obscured by fire.

    Panel Three. A view from in from of the car and at a slight angle. The car has impacted with the ground and Jane is in the process of being flung through the windshield. She is about half way out of the car, and the interior is still filled with fire, which wreathes her bottom half. Her clothes are tattered and burnt (tastefully), though she's not too noticeably injured herself.

    SFX - Jane through window:
    Crash!

    Panel Four. A view with Jane, laying face down along the dark edge of the road, in the foreground. In the background behind her, the car has impacted with with a tree. The bottom of the car is pressed up against it, with the roof facing out towards the reader, and the frame has been slightly bent around the tree. A large irregular hole has been burnt into the roof of the car, among the other damage it has sustained in the crash, and the interior is still ablaze.

    SFX - Car into tree:
    Slam!

    Page Four (five panels)

    Panel One. Jane lies in a hospital bed, and the early morning sun lights the room through a pair of windows that are along a side wall. The view is slightly back from the foot of the bed, looking towards her. (I'm going a bit overboard on the room description, but it's also meant to help cover a number of the future panels) The room has white plaster walls and the floor is covered in white linoleum squares that are flecked with irregular black marks. There is an open door leading to a small bathroom, which is opposite the wall with the windows. A wooden door, leading out into the main hall, is opposite the bed. An empty pair of wooden chairs face towards the bed, and an IV stand is at the head of the bed. Jane's head has been bandaged, covering the forehead to the top of her head, and she has been dressed in a sickly green hospital gown. She has one hand raised to her forehead, a pained expression on her face, and her eyes are still closed.

    Panel Two. Jane has opened her eyes and is sitting up in the bed and looking towards the open bathroom door. The point of view is swung back and to the side from above, so we can see most of what Jane sees looking over the room. Through the open bathroom door a toilet and the edge of a sink are visible. The bathroom is lined with dark blue ceramic tiles.

    JANE:
    Where... where am I?

    Panel Three: Jane stands next to the bed, leaning on it with one hand for support and the other hand raised to the bandages on her forehead. This is a view from to the side of the foot of the bed and looking towards Jane.

    JANE:
    Bandages?... This must be... a hospital?

    Panel Four: Jane has staggered halfway across the room from the bed towards the bathroom, one hand is pressed against the wall for support. The point of view is slightly in front and to the side, looking up slightly towards Jane from the front.

    Panel Five: Jane stands just outside the doorway of the bathroom a look of surprise. She has one hand raised towards her mouth in a gesture of surprise and the other hand is bracing herself on the door frame for support. The point of view is from the side, so the reader can't see what she is seeing yet.

    JANE:
    Oh! Excuse...

    Page Five (five panels)

    Panel One: A slight advancement of the last panel, only now with an over the shoulder view of Jane looking at herself in the bathroom mirror, above a small sink. Her hand has dropped slightly away from her mouth, and she looks more confused than surprised.

    JANE:
    ...me?

    Panel Two: Jane has stepped moved in front of the mirror and is examining her reflection. She has a hand raised towards her image in the mirror and the other bracing herself on the sink, which is under the mirror. The perspective has shifted a bit further to her side, so that we can see some of her real face as well as most of her reflection.

    JANE (thought):
    A mirror? But... Is that my face?

    Panel Three: A close up of Jane, who has a hand over her eyes and her brow is furrowed in concentration.

    JANE (thought):
    Why.... can't I remember?

    Panel Four: A view from the side, so we can see just the real Jane. She has both hands on the sink and is leaning her face close to the mirror, seriously examining her reflection.

    JANE:
    Who are you?

    Panel Five: A view from behind Jane. The 'reflection' in the mirror is now that of flames. Jane has turned to the right and is bent over slightly. She is grimacing in pain, with her right hand raised to her temple and her left hand still on the sink for support.

    Jane:
    Ungh.

    - And I think the first five is probably a good break point. There is plenty wrong with this, and the final version is fairly different. I hope someone wants to participate in this little editing exercise, and tune in tomorrow night for Forby's comments on this script (and one final aside, yes I also checked with Steven before posting this as well.)

    - Harry Durnan



  2. Join Date
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    He'd cover the whole thing in dark red and make you cry like a little girl!!

    Am I right? I'm right, aren't I?

    "Living Robert Venditti's Plan B!"

    CAT. 5



  3. harryd Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by SebastianPiccione View Post
    He'd cover the whole thing in dark red and make you cry like a little girl!!

    Am I right? I'm right, aren't I?

    Heh, well, the first part holds true for pretty much all of his editing doesn't it? I try not to take it personally, after all most of my writing DOES need revision and editing... and I'm willing to admit that self-editing my work is not one of my strong points. Anyhow, I'll post the walls of red text after work this evening when I get home from my day job.



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    Yeah, I figured that was a safe answer, regardless of who wrote what. It's pretty much Forby's M.O.

    ...Oh, and of course whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger!
    "Living Robert Venditti's Plan B!"

    CAT. 5



  5. CalvinCamp Guest

    I'm really looking forward to watching the progression of this. I think it'll be interesting to see the development, along with the (potential) differences in Steven's approach to a paid edit, as opposed to a TPG-style critique. Should be fun, and informative.

    I'm also very curious to see Steven's comments, if any, on this part...
    Quote Originally Posted by harryd View Post
    (I'm going a bit overboard on the room description, but it's also meant to help cover a number of the future panels) The room has white plaster walls and the floor is covered in white linoleum squares that are flecked with irregular black marks. There is an open door leading to a small bathroom, which is opposite the wall with the windows. A wooden door, leading out into the main hall, is opposite the bed. An empty pair of wooden chairs face towards the bed, and an IV stand is at the head of the bed.
    ... because putting all that information up front, even though it won't all appear in the panel being described, is an approach I like to use and (from an artist's viewpoint) would be inclined to advise anyone else to use as well. But Steven didn't seem to appreciate it, when I did it, so this might be a chance for me to find out if it's the approach itself he didn't like or just my overly wordy execution of it.



  6. harryd Guest

    I guess it's too short notice for people to really give it an editorial swing, though maybe later in the week when the column would normally be up, people will catch it. Anyhow, here's the first draft with commentary:

    Page One (four panels)

    Panel One. It is late in the evening, and Jane is driving a red Chevrolet Corvair down a two lane highway, which is bordered by oak and maple trees. The point of view is from outside the car, slightly above the hood and at a slight angle, looking in through the windshield towards Jane. Her shoulders are slouched, and she is gazing out at the road ahead with sleepy, half-lidded eyes.

    CAP:
    Summer, 1975.

    JANE:
    Yawn. (If she's yawning, that has to be reflected in the panel description. A yawn is a MUCH different look than looking half-asleep.)

    Panel Two. A perspective from Jane's point of view, as she reaches over to turn on the car radio. At the top edge this panel, the bottom half of the rear view mirror can be seen, which reflects a tiny speck of red flame in the sky of the dark roadway behind the car. (Good. Because I would have called you on a useless panel.)

    SFX - Radio (I see the music from the radio as yellow text sort of floating over the radio, with the text opening and closing with notes.):
    *Click* A-where she'll stay-ay

    Panel Three. A return to the original point of view, looking in towards Jane from outside the car. She is looking at the rear view mirror in surprise, her earlier signs of fatigue gone. (We're going to need to see something of what she's seeing in her mirror. Remember, if we're looking at her, we can also see behind her. If she's looking in her rear view mirror, we need to be able to see what she's seeing. If you're trying to keep that as a mystery until later, then you need to change the view. The only way this can work is if we're in really tight, or the panel's small.)

    Jane:
    What in the world...?

    SFX - Radio (small):
    My little...

    Panel Four. Same point of view as above. Jane has turned and is looking out the rear window of the car. A red glow emanating from something above (and off panel) lights the back portion of the car.

    SFX - Radio (small):
    Run, Run, Runaway.

    Page Two (one panel)

    Panel One. A high angle view of Jane's car. The car is starting to flip and go into a roll. Currently it is turned so that the front end is pointed towards the opposite lane and it is partially raised up off two wheels. The roof of the car is being impacted by a large ball of fire, with only the hood really sticking out from under it. A town's welcome sign, raised up on a pair of wooden posts, is on the side of the road. It is on the same side that Jane was driving along, a little ahead of the car. (No. This is a good use of a splash page, but your description isn't possible. Give the general feeling of what you're going for, and let the artist do their thing.)

    ROAD SIGN (first two lines are in large easy to read print, while the last line is in a smaller more stylish italics):
    "Welcome to
    Hope, Vermont.
    A great place for a new beginning.
    "

    SFX:
    Ka-Boom!

    (Credits also appear on this page)

    Page Three (four panels)

    Panel One. A slightly elevated view from behind the accident, with a perspective looking down towards the car. The car has flipped on its side, and is currently crashing through one of the posts that hold up the welcome sign. The bottom of the car is faced towards the reader, and bits of flame can be seen poking out over the top edge of the car.

    SFX- Car through post:
    Crack!

    Panel Two. The car has continued to flip, and is now upside down and slightly off the ground. It has cleared the wooden post and is rolling towards the woods surrounding the road. The interior of the car is obscured by fire.

    Panel Three. A view from in from of the car and at a slight angle. The car has impacted with the ground and Jane is in the process of being flung through the windshield. She is about half way out of the car, and the interior is still filled with fire, which wreathes her bottom half. Her clothes are tattered and burnt (tastefully), though she's not too noticeably injured herself.

    SFX - Jane through window:
    Crash!

    Panel Four. A view with Jane, laying face down along the dark edge of the road, in the foreground. In the background behind her, the car has impacted with with a tree. The bottom of the car is pressed up against it, with the roof facing out towards the reader, and the frame has been slightly bent around the tree. A large irregular hole has been burnt into the roof of the car, among the other damage it has sustained in the crash, and the interior is still ablaze.

    SFX - Car into tree:
    Slam!


    (No. This entire page can be cut. You don't need the to show the crash. You can actually cut from here to another scene. Possibly to the hospital. Leave something for the reader to guess at.)


    Page Four (five panels)

    Panel One. Jane lies in a hospital bed, and the early morning sun lights the room through a pair of windows that are along a side wall. The view is slightly back from the foot of the bed, looking towards her. (I'm going a bit overboard on the room description, but it's also meant to help cover a number of the future panels) The room has white plaster walls and the floor is covered in white linoleum squares that are flecked with irregular black marks. There is an open door leading to a small bathroom, which is opposite the wall with the windows. A wooden door, leading out into the main hall, is opposite the bed. An empty pair of wooden chairs face towards the bed, and an IV stand is at the head of the bed. Jane's head has been bandaged, covering the forehead to the top of her head, and she has been dressed in a sickly green hospital gown. She has one hand raised to her forehead, a pained expression on her face, and her eyes are still closed.

    Panel Two. Jane has opened her eyes and is sitting up in the bed and looking towards the open bathroom door. The point of view is swung back and to the side from above, so we can see most of what Jane sees looking over the room. Through the open bathroom door a toilet and the edge of a sink are visible. The bathroom is lined with dark blue ceramic tiles. (This works better if she's still laying down, and then wakes up. This isn't a movie, even though the concept can fit it. Remember your medium.)

    JANE:
    Where... where am I?

    Panel Three: Jane stands next to the bed, leaning on it with one hand for support and the other hand raised to the bandages on her forehead. This is a view from to the side of the foot of the bed and looking towards Jane.

    JANE:
    Bandages?... This must be... a hospital?
    (You can do MUCH better than this. I don't even have the words...)

    Panel Four: Jane has staggered halfway across the room from the bed towards the bathroom, one hand is pressed against the wall for support. The point of view is slightly in front and to the side, looking up slightly towards Jane from the front.

    Panel Five: Jane stands just outside the doorway of the bathroom a look of surprise. She has one hand raised towards her mouth in a gesture of surprise and the other hand is bracing herself on the door frame for support. The point of view is from the side, so the reader can't see what she is seeing yet.

    JANE:
    Oh! Excuse...

    Page Five (five panels)

    Panel One: A slight advancement of the last panel, only now with an over the shoulder view of Jane looking at herself in the bathroom mirror, above a small sink. Her hand has dropped slightly away from her mouth, and she looks more confused than surprised.

    JANE:
    ...me?

    Panel Two: Jane has stepped moved in front of the mirror and is examining her reflection. She has a hand raised towards her image in the mirror and the other bracing herself on the sink, which is under the mirror. The perspective has shifted a bit further to her side, so that we can see some of her real face as well as most of her reflection.

    JANE (thought):
    A mirror? But... Is that my face?
    (I think you're trying to give me an aneurysm.)

    Panel Three: A close up of Jane, who has a hand over her eyes and her brow is furrowed in concentration.

    JANE (thought):
    Why.... can't I remember?

    Panel Four: A view from the side, so we can see just the real Jane. She has both hands on the sink and is leaning her face close to the mirror, seriously examining her reflection.

    JANE:
    Who are you?
    (This isn't going to work, especially if the reflection she's looking at is that of flames. No one is going to ask this question, because there's no figure there. Just flames. It's like going up to a fireplace with a fire roaring, and asking the flames “who are you?” It just doesn't work.)

    Panel Five: A view from behind Jane. The 'reflection' in the mirror is now that of flames. Jane has turned to the right and is bent over slightly. She is grimacing in pain, with her right hand raised to her temple and her left hand still on the sink for support. (No. This goes all the way back up to Panel 1 of this page. It's like the car. If we can see her reflection, then we can see what she's seeing. If the mirror is angled so that we cannot see what she's seeing, then that needs to be said. Otherwise, this isn't going to work.)

    Jane:
    Ungh.

    Plus, some of the overall script comments at the bottom (slightly edited, cutting some stuff that has to do with specific portions later on):

    Okay, here's the verdict:

    This is padded crap. This script, from a storytelling aspect, is horrible. There's no story here. There's nothing here to make anyone want to pick up the second issue.

    Like I said before, just about every time Jane opens her mouth, I want to scream. Her dialogue is easily THE most horrible thing about this book. Instant turn-off. Fix it into something that can be polished. Right now, I'm just taking it out wholesale. Once we get this paced better, we can go over the dialogue and get it up to snuff. I'm just letting you know that her dialogue sucks, and people will ask for their money back.


    - Tune in tomorrow for my second revision, which will be followed by Forby's commentary the following night.



  7. brianaugostino Guest

    Kudos, Harry, for putting this up. It's fascinating to see the work in progress. It also takes a lot of guts to post this. Wow...actually paying Forby to tell you your dialogue sucks. You're a better man than I
    Also, love that you're using VT!!! Nice!



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    Does this mean I win?
    "Living Robert Venditti's Plan B!"

    CAT. 5



  9. harryd Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by CalvinCamp View Post
    I'm really looking forward to watching the progression of this. I think it'll be interesting to see the development, along with the (potential) differences in Steven's approach to a paid edit, as opposed to a TPG-style critique. Should be fun, and informative.

    I'm also very curious to see Steven's comments, if any, on this part...
    ... because putting all that information up front, even though it won't all appear in the panel being described, is an approach I like to use and (from an artist's viewpoint) would be inclined to advise anyone else to use as well. But Steven didn't seem to appreciate it, when I did it, so this might be a chance for me to find out if it's the approach itself he didn't like or just my overly wordy execution of it.
    I don't think there's too much of a difference in style, it just goes for the entire script instead of a few pages. Also, I'm not sure if the wall of description ever really came up. There are a few places in the script where I do heavy description, and then just have brief character movement notes for the rest of a scene. None of them really got any longer than what I did here though.



  10. harryd Guest

    Posting up the second revision a little early today. I'd like to try to give people more of an opportunity to read it over before I post the commented version. There's a new scene in here that breaks up the previous one, so I added a few more pages so that you can see how the last one developed a bit more:

    Page One (four panels)

    Panel One. It is late in the evening, and Jane is driving a red Chevrolet Corvair down a two lane highway, which is bordered by oak and maple trees. The point of view is from outside the car, slightly above the hood and at a slight angle, looking in through the windshield towards Jane. Her shoulders are slouched, and she is gazing out at the road ahead with sleepy, half-lidded eyes.

    CAP:
    Summer, 1975.

    Panel Two. A perspective from Jane's point of view, as she reaches over to turn on the car radio. At the top edge this panel, the bottom half of the rear view mirror can be seen, which reflects a tiny speck of red flame in the sky of the dark roadway behind the car.

    SFX - Radio (I see the music from the radio as yellow text sort of floating over the radio, with the text opening and closing with notes.):
    *Click* A-where she'll stay-ay

    Panel Three. A return to the original point of view, looking in towards Jane from outside the car. She is looking at the rear view mirror in surprise, her earlier signs of fatigue gone. Though the rear window of the car, in the background, the bottom section of a large ball of fire can be seen as it hurtles towards the car.

    Jane:
    What in the world...?

    SFX - Radio (small):
    My little...

    Panel Four. Same point of view as above. Jane has turned and is looking out the rear window of the car. A red glow emanating from something above (and off panel) lights the back portion of the car.

    SFX - Radio (small):
    Run, Run, Runaway.

    Page Two (one panel)

    Panel One. A high angle view of Jane's car, as the roof is struck by the fireball. The roof is engulfed in flames, and there is a explosion rising up from it, though the car isn't completely obscured. In the background, a town's welcome sign can be seen. It is raised up on a pair of wooden posts on the side of the road Jane's car was driving.

    ROAD SIGN (first two lines are in large easy to read print, while the last line is in a smaller more stylish italics):
    "Welcome to
    Hope, Vermont.
    A great place for a new beginning.
    "

    SFX:
    Ka-Boom!

    (Credits also appear on this page)

    Page Three, (five panels)

    Panel One. Deputy Stanley Knotts and Sheriff Butch Mansfield sit inside the Sheriff's car: a tan Plymouth Satellite, with police lights on the roof, a two-way radio in the dashboard, and "Sheriff" emblazoned on the side. The car is parked off to the side of an empty road. Stanley is deep in thought, with his eyes closed and a hand raised to hold his chin. Butch is staring out the window with a bored expression, and one arm hanging over the top of the steering wheel with a radar gun loosely in his grip.

    Panel Two. Stanley has a fist pressed into an open plan in an pose of realization, while Butch looks over towards him in surprise.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Aliens!

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    What!?

    Panel Three. Stanley points over at Butch as he expounds upon his idea, while Butch has raised a hand to cover his eyes in a pose of exasperation.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    It all fits! The mutilated livestock and old man Harrison disappearing on his hunting trip. Aliens are behind it!

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Ugh, Stanley...

    Panel Four. Butch and Stanley continue their discourse. Butch has turned to face Stanley, who looks excited by his current theory.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Why would you even think that?

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    There's been reports of similar events that locals attributed to alien activity. Just look how far our own civilization has come in the last two hundred years.

    Panel Five. Stanley has a hand raised towards the windshield, in a gesture up towards the night sky. Butch has a hand raised towards Stanley in a gesture to try to cut him off so that he can reply.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    We've gone from the horse and buggy to landing a man on the moon! An alien civilization hundreds or even thousands of years older than ours could easily-

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    It's not as bad as your Chupa-whatsis theory, but there are a couple flaws with it.

    Page Four, (five panels)

    Panel One. Butch and Stanley continue their discourse. Butch has turned to face Stanley, who has his arms crossed in front of himself defensively.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Like what?

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    First off, why would anyone travel all that way just to cut up some cows and abduct one old man?

    Panel Two. As Butch and Stanley continue to talk, Stanley looks a bit unsure of himself, with his crossed arms held looser.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Well, um, scientific research, or...

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Also, if this sort of thing has been supposedly happened before, why in the world would they do the same thing over again? How much more are they going to learn from cows?

    Panel Three. Stanley slumps dejectedly as Butch continues.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    I think there's a more earthbound explanation. Mr. Harrison could come walking out of the woods any day now, or, God forbid, he might have fallen or otherwise hurt himself.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    I suppose...

    Panel Four. Butch has relaxed back into his seat, while Stanley still sit there looking sullen.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    As for the cows, just because we haven't caught them yet, don't mean it's not a pack of wolves or a rabid mountain lion.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    It could still be a Chupacabra.

    Panel Five. Stanley has regained some of his enthusiasm, and is in the process or reaching for the radio. Butch has tilted his hat down so that the brim covers his eyes, as if he's about to take a nap.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Lemme give Amy a call and see what she thinks about my new idea.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Go right ahead.

    Page Five, (five panels)

    Panel One. A close up on Stanley, as he holds the police radio next to his face.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Hey, honey, I've got a new theory to try out on you.

    AMY KNOTTS - VIA RADIO:
    Oh? What is it?

    Panel Two. Stanley holds the radio out between himself and Butch, who still has his hat down over his eyes and is leaning back into his seat.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Aliens! They could be the reason for old man Harrison vanishing and all that business with the cattle.

    AMY KNOTTS - VIA RADIO:
    Interesting. I assume Butch has already shot this one down, too?

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Yup. Evening, Amy.

    Panel Three. Stanley continues to hold the radio out between himself and Butch. Butch has a grin on his face, while his pose remains otherwise the same, and Stanley looks a bit disappointed.

    AMY KNOTTS - VIA RADIO:
    Well, you know I like to keep an open mind, but don't people usually report seeing unidentified flying objects or lights in the sky with aliens?

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    That's true...

    Panel Four. Stanley is pointing out the front window with one hand, the other is on Butch's shoulder to shake him. Butch has his hand at the brim of his hat, having raised it back up above his eyes.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Hey, Butch, look!

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    What now?

    Panel Five. A view from behind the car looking up towards the night sky and the surrounding tree line. In the distance, the night sky is illuminated by a fiery explosion that just peeks over the top of the trees - the explosion from page 2, seen at a distance.

    SFX (small):
    Boom.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    You think it's the aliens?

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Let's go find out, partner.

    Page Six, (five panels)

    Panel One. The scene of the accident. The Sheriff's car is pulled over to the side of the road, with the headlights illuminating the remains of Jane's car. Jane's car is on it's side, with the bottom of the car slightly warped around a tree it has impacted. The windows have all been shattered and there is an irregular hole burnt in the roof, through which smoke still wafts up from the smoldering interior. The welcome sign sags crookedly to the ground, with one of it's supporting posts having been shattered when the car went off the road. Butch and Stanley stand outside the police car holding flashlights, with Butch standing beside the driver's door and Stanley on the passenger side. Jane's sneaker can just be seen at the very edge of the panel, as she lays in a darker section a small distance away from the two cars.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Well, golly, what do you think happened here?

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    I don't rightly know... yet.

    Panel Two. Stanley stands a few feet back from Jane and shines his flashlight down onto her prone form. Her clothes are burnt and torn (tastefully), and she is scraped up and bloody, though nothing that would be obviously fatal. Stanley is turned slightly to call over his shoulder.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Got a body here. She looks kinda young, sure is a shame.

    Panel Three. The same basic scene as above, only Stanley is looking questioningly at Jane.

    JANE:
    Groan.

    Panel Four. A view of Stanley reacting in horror. Both hands are fumbling about his holstered firearm.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    She's a zombie! Aim for the brain!

    Panel Five. Butch stands next to Stanley. Butch has taken his hat off and is currently hitting Stanley over the head with it. Stanley is wincing from the blow, while also still recovering a bit from his fright. He is leaning forward slightly with one hand holding his chest, over the heart, and the other hand braced on his thigh.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Don't be such an idiot. Go get the first aid kit.

    Page Seven, (six panels)

    Panel One. Jane lies in a hospital bed, and the early morning sun lights the room through a pair of white curtained windows that are along a side wall. The view is slightly back from the foot of the bed, looking towards her. (I'm going a bit overboard on the room description, but it's also meant to help cover a number of the future panels) The room has white plaster walls and the floor is covered in white linoleum squares that are flecked with irregular black marks. There is an open door leading to a small bathroom, which is opposite the wall with the windows. A wooden door, leading out into the main hall, is opposite the bed. An empty pair of wooden chairs face towards the bed, and an IV stand is at the head of the bed. Jane's head has been bandaged, covering the forehead to the top of her head, and she has been dressed in a sickly green hospital gown. She has one hand raised to her forehead, a pained expression on her face, and her eyes are still closed.

    Panel Two. Jane has opened her eyes. The point of view is swung back and to the side from above, so we can see most of what Jane sees looking over the room. Through the open bathroom door a toilet and the edge of a sink are visible. The bathroom is lined with dark blue ceramic tiles.

    JANE:
    Where... where am I?

    Panel Three. Jane floats a few inches off the floor next to the bed, basically getting out of it without landing on the floor. She has her eyes squeezed shut and a hand raised to her forehead

    JANE (thought):
    Whoa... major head rush.

    Panel Four. Jane's feet touch down lightly on the floor. She has removed her hand from her forehead to brace herself on the bed.

    SFX - JANE'S FEET IMPACTING THE FLOOR (small):
    *Pat* *Pat*

    JANE (thought):
    That's better... shouldn't have got up so fast.

    Panel Five. Jane has staggered halfway across the room from the bed towards the bathroom, one hand is pressed against the wall for support. The point of view is slightly in front and to the side, looking up slightly towards Jane from the front.

    JANE (thought):
    My head feels like it's been stuffed full of cotton.

    Panel Six. Jane stands just outside the doorway of the bathroom. She has one hand raised towards her mouth in a gesture of surprise and the other hand is bracing herself on the door frame for support. The point of view is from the side, so the reader can't see what she is seeing yet.

    JANE:
    Oh! Excuse...

    Page Eight, (five panels)

    Panel One. A slight advancement of the last panel, only now with an over the shoulder view of Jane looking at herself in the bathroom mirror, which is attached above a small sink. Her hand has dropped slightly away from her mouth, and she looks more confused than surprised.

    JANE:
    ...me?

    Panel Two. Jane has stepped moved in front of the mirror and is examining her reflection. She has a hand raised towards her image in the mirror and the other bracing herself on the sink, which is under the mirror. The perspective has shifted a bit further to her side, so that we can see some of her real face as well as most of her reflection.

    JANE (thought):
    What the hell? Why can't I remember?

    Panel Three. A view from the side, so we can see just the real Jane. She has both hands on the sink and is leaning down over it.

    JANE (the text should get smaller and closer together as it goes along):
    Keep it together. Don't panic. Oh God, what am I going to do?

    VOICE FROM THE MIRROR: ... ( I'd like to see a border that makes this stand out. Something odd, like a thick reddish gold outline to the bubble. The text should be so tiny as to be illegible, basically three tiny squiggles or almost dots.)

    Panel Four. A view slightly behind Jane looking over the shoulder so that we can see the mirror. Instead of her reflection, the mirror shows flames.

    JANE:
    Hello?- *gasp*

    VOICE FROM THE MIRROR: ... (Same as above, the text slightly larger, but still it should be basically illegible)

    Panel Five. A view angled so that we can see that Jane, as well as the door leading back to the room behind her. Jane has fallen back into a sitting position and looks terrified.

    DR. HIMMELMAN (off panel, voice out in the main room):
    Mein Gott! She's gone!

    - So there's the second revision, the first 5 pages got moved up to about the first eight. I made one tiny edit for plot content, but it should still make sense without it. Will the dialogue make Forby vomit or claw at his eyes? (probably) Find out tomorrow night when I post up the commentary!



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