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Thread: '09 Thanksgiving Special -WWFD?

  1. Join Date
    Jun 2008
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    Just because I'm THAT pedantic...

    The Lyrics to Del Shannon's MY LITTLE RUNAWAY are wrong.

    It goes:
    My little runaway, run, run, run, runaway

    Minor, but the kind of thing that'll eat away at me.
    "Living Robert Venditti's Plan B!"

    CAT. 5



  2. CalvinCamp Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by harryd View Post
    I don't think there's too much of a difference in style, it just goes for the entire script instead of a few pages.
    I wasn't thinking so much of his actual editing style (which I wouldn't expect to change much), so much as the narrowing and refinement that might take place over multiple passes. That's not something we've seen much here on TPG (I think I'm the only one who's submitted a revision for a second pass).

    Also, I'm not sure if the wall of description ever really came up.
    That's okay. That it didn't come up tells me quite a bit, all by itself.

    As for the next round of red... I predict that Steven beats you up for padding again.



  3. jamesfairlie Guest

    Ok, I'll bite. I don't much like the idea of trying to second guess Steven, but what the hell, it sounds like good practice.

    The first thin that jumps out is the lack of camera placement past the first scene. This is especially a problem in the second scene, on pages 3 and 4 in particular. Almost every panel describes the expression of two characters who are sitting in a car (presumably) facing each other. The only way I can see of showing this is by having the camera in front of them, a little way back, i.e. right up against, or just the other side of the windscreen. This would give you almost two whole pages of the same shot (plus some more on the next page). On top of that its all profile shots, which obscure expression.

    I also think that the conversation Stanly has With Amy is pretty much redundant, its just Stanly getting shot down again, though in a kinder way this time. I enjoyed the dialogue in the scene for the most part, but my feeling would be that cutting that conversation, shuffling the panels around a bit and maybe putting 6 panels on a page so you could cut that sequence down to two pages would help it a lot. Also, moving the camera around a bit, maybe having some over the shoulder shots, or even shots from outside the car with off panel dialogue would make the scene a bit more visually dynamic. I'm not a big fan of whizzing around for no reason, but almost 2 solid pages of the same shot is a bit much.

    Also, how are they lit? If the car's interior light is on then they wouldn't be able to see out. It's a monir niggle I know, but it would bug me.

    Quote Originally Posted by harryd View Post
    Panel One. The scene of the accident. The Sheriff's car is pulled over to the side of the road, with the headlights illuminating the remains of Jane's car. Jane's car is on it's side, with the bottom of the car slightly warped around a tree it has impacted. The windows have all been shattered and there is an irregular hole burnt in the roof, through which smoke still wafts up from the smoldering interior. The welcome sign sags crookedly to the ground, with one of it's supporting posts having been shattered when the car went off the road. Butch and Stanley stand outside the police car holding flashlights, with Butch standing beside the driver's door and Stanley on the passenger side. Jane's sneaker can just be seen at the very edge of the panel, as she lays in a darker section a small distance away from the two cars.
    I don't think that panel is un-drawable, but I have 2 points. Firstly, there is no camera placement again, and secondly, from the way you've written it, it sounds like you want both the top and the bottom of Jane's car shown.

    Quote Originally Posted by harryd View Post
    That's better... shouldn't have got up so fast
    I'm not a big fan of that line. I think it should be cut, and the dialogue from the last panel should be moved here.

    Quote Originally Posted by harryd View Post
    What the hell? Why can't I remember?
    I don't think someone would think "why can't I remember" - they'd be too busy trying to remember whatever it was they'd forgotten.

    Well that's all I have. I'm looking forward to seeing Steven do a much better job tomorrow



  4. harryd Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by SebastianPiccione View Post
    Does this mean I win?
    Well, since you were the only one that replied, that means you win round 1 by default.

    "Default: the two sweetest words in the English language" - Homer Simpson.



  5. harryd Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by SebastianPiccione View Post
    Just because I'm THAT pedantic...

    The Lyrics to Del Shannon's MY LITTLE RUNAWAY are wrong.

    It goes:
    My little runaway, run, run, run, runaway

    Minor, but the kind of thing that'll eat away at me.
    True enough, but I did intentionally shorten it a bit. It does come up in a later revision (last one I think), though in a slightly different respect.



  6. Join Date
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    Quote Originally Posted by harryd View Post
    Well, since you were the only one that replied, that means you win round 1 by default.

    "Default: the two sweetest words in the English language" - Homer Simpson.
    WOO-HOO!!
    "Living Robert Venditti's Plan B!"

    CAT. 5



  7. harryd Guest

    Trying to get this posted before heading to work, not really enough time for any snappy asides, so here it is:

    Page One (four panels)

    Panel One. It is late in the evening, and Jane is driving a red Chevrolet Corvair down a two lane highway, which is bordered by oak and maple trees. The point of view is from outside the car, slightly above the hood and at a slight angle, looking in through the windshield towards Jane. Her shoulders are slouched, and she is gazing out at the road ahead with sleepy, half-lidded eyes.

    CAP:
    Summer, 1975.

    Panel Two. A perspective from Jane's point of view, as she reaches over to turn on the car radio. At the top edge this panel, the bottom half of the rear view mirror can be seen, which reflects a tiny speck of red flame in the sky of the dark roadway behind the car. (No. This cannot be from her pov. If this was from her pov, then we'd be able to see what she's looking at, not the entire panorama. Go get in your car, and look at the radio controls. Now, without moving your eyes, see if you can notice the rear view mirror. Don't make this from her pov. Take her pov out of it, and leave the rest as is.)

    SFX - Radio (I see the music from the radio as yellow text sort of floating over the radio, with the text opening and closing with notes.):
    *Click* A-where she'll stay-ay

    Panel Three. A return to the original point of view, looking in towards Jane from outside the car. She is looking at the rear view mirror in surprise, her earlier signs of fatigue gone. Though the rear window of the car, in the background, the bottom section of a large ball of fire can be seen as it hurtles towards the car. (No. I want this tighter on Jane. I want to not be able to see anything behind her. I want this tight, and to have her eyes highlighted from the reflection in the mirror. This will give a better reason for her reaction.)

    Jane:
    What in the world...?

    SFX - Radio (small):
    My little...

    Panel Four. Same point of view as above. Jane has turned and is looking out the rear window of the car. A red glow emanating from something above (and off panel) lights the back portion of the car. (I'm not the biggest fan of this. Maybe two panels of the previous panel, with her dialogue actually coming here. I think that works better, and gives a nice page-turn.)

    SFX - Radio (small):
    Run, Run, Runaway.

    Page Two (one panel)

    Panel One. A high angle view of Jane's car, as the roof is struck by the fireball. The roof is engulfed in flames, and there is a explosion rising up from it, though the car isn't completely obscured. In the background, a town's welcome sign can be seen. It is raised up on a pair of wooden posts on the side of the road Jane's car was driving.

    ROAD SIGN (first two lines are in large easy to read print, while the last line is in a smaller more stylish italics):
    "Welcome to
    Hope, Vermont.
    A great place for a new beginning.
    "

    SFX:
    Ka-Boom!

    (Credits also appear on this page)

    Page Three, (five panels)

    Panel One. Deputy Stanley Knotts and Sheriff Butch Mansfield sit inside the Sheriff's car: a tan Plymouth Satellite, with police lights on the roof, a two-way radio in the dashboard, and "Sheriff" emblazoned on the side. The car is parked off to the side of an empty road. Stanley is deep in thought, with his eyes closed and a hand raised to hold his chin. Butch is staring out the window with a bored expression, and one arm hanging over the top of the steering wheel with a radar gun loosely in his grip.

    Panel Two. Stanley has a fist pressed into an open plam (crossed out)palm in an pose of realization, while Butch looks over towards him in surprise.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Aliens!

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    What!?

    Panel Three. Stanley points over at Butch as he expounds upon his idea, while Butch has raised a hand to cover his eyes in a pose of exasperation.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    It all fits! The mutilated livestock and old man Harrison disappearing on his hunting trip. Aliens are behind it! (See this right here? This works VERY well in starting to set up the status quo. Nice work.)

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Ugh, Stanley...

    Panel Four. Butch and Stanley continue their discourse. Butch has turned to face Stanley, who looks excited by his current theory.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Why would you even think that?

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    There's been reports of similar events that locals attributed to alien activity. Just look how far our own civilization has come in the last two hundred years.

    Panel Five. Stanley has a hand raised towards the windshield, in a gesture up towards the night sky. Butch has a hand raised towards Stanley in a gesture to try to cut him off so that he can reply. (Let's put this outside of the car, looking in. It might even work better with a view of the stars, and Stan talking about them. Actually, since this is the page turn, forget the seeing the stars suggestion.)

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    We've gone from the horse and buggy to landing a man on the moon! An alien civilization hundreds or even thousands of years older than ours could easily-

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    It's not as bad as your Chupa-whatsis theory, but there are a couple flaws with it.

    Page Four, (five panels)

    Panel One. Butch and Stanley continue their discourse. Butch has turned to face Stanley, who has his arms crossed in front of himself defensively.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Like what?

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    First off, why would anyone travel all that way just to cut up some cows and abduct one old man?

    Panel Two. As Butch and Stanley continue to talk, Stanley looks a bit unsure of himself, with his crossed arms held looser. (Done correctly, this may look a little awkward. It would be better for him to hold his pose until more holes are poked in, but change his body language. Have his body language in the previous panel be challenging without having his arms crossed, and then his deflation will look more natural here. I want you to keep in mind that this is being drawn. What looks good in film will not always look good in a comic book.)

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Well, um, scientific research, or...

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Also, if this sort of thing has been supposedly happened before, why in the world would they do the same thing over again? How much more are they going to learn from cows?

    Panel Three. Stanley slumps dejectedly as Butch continues.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    I think there's a more earthbound explanation. Mr. Harrison could come walking out of the woods any day now, or, God forbid, he might have fallen or otherwise hurt himself.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    I suppose...

    Panel Four. Butch has relaxed back into his seat, while Stanley still sit there looking sullen.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    As for the cows, just because we haven't caught them yet, don't mean it's not a pack of wolves or a rabid mountain lion.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    It could still be a Chupacabra.

    Panel Five. Stanley has regained some of his enthusiasm, and is in the process or reaching for the radio. Butch has tilted his hat down so that the brim covers his eyes, as if he's about to take a nap.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Lemme give Amy a call and see what she thinks about my new idea.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Go right ahead.

    Page Five, (five panels) (If nothing interesting happens on this page, I'm going to call it padding.)

    Panel One. A close up on Stanley, as he holds the police radio next to his face.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Hey, honey, I've got a new theory to try out on you.

    AMY KNOTTS - VIA RADIO:
    Oh? What is it?

    Panel Two. Stanley holds the radio out between himself and Butch, who still has his hat down over his eyes and is leaning back into his seat.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Aliens! They could be the reason for old man Harrison vanishing and all that business with the cattle.

    AMY KNOTTS - VIA RADIO:
    Interesting. I assume Butch has already shot this one down, too?

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Yup. Evening, Amy. (Have you ever worked a radio? CB? It's impossible to for two people to talk at the same time on the same frequency. It's not a phone. You can get away with two of these people talking, but not all three. This entire conversation needs to be reworked.)

    Panel Three. Stanley continues to hold the radio out between himself and Butch. Butch has a grin on his face, while his pose remains otherwise the same, and Stanley looks a bit disappointed.

    AMY KNOTTS - VIA RADIO:
    Well, you know I like to keep an open mind, but don't people usually report seeing unidentified flying objects or lights in the sky with aliens?

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    That's true...

    Panel Four. Stanley is pointing out the front window with one hand, the other is on Butch's shoulder to shake him. Butch has his hand at the brim of his hat, having raised it back up above his eyes.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Hey, Butch, look!

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    What now?

    Panel Five. A view from behind the car looking up towards the night sky and the surrounding tree line. In the distance, the night sky is illuminated by a fiery explosion that just peeks over the top of the trees - the explosion from page 2, seen at a distance. (You can keep this panel. I like it. It's a nice page turn. However, I'm not so sure about the dialogue. I like the thrust of it, but I'm not feeling Stanley. Let's find another way to say this, or just leave it silent.)

    SFX (small):
    Boom.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    You think it's the aliens?

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Let's go find out, partner.

    Page Six, (five panels)

    Panel One. The scene of the accident. The Sheriff's car is pulled over to the side of the road, with the headlights illuminating the remains of Jane's car. Jane's car is on it's side, with the bottom of the car slightly warped around a tree it has impacted. The windows have all been shattered and there is an irregular hole burnt in the roof, through which smoke still wafts up from the smoldering interior. The welcome sign sags crookedly to the ground, with one of it's supporting posts having been shattered when the car went off the road. Butch and Stanley stand outside the police car holding flashlights, with Butch standing beside the driver's door and Stanley on the passenger side. Jane's sneaker can just be seen at the very edge of the panel, as she lays in a darker section a small distance away from the two cars.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Well, golly,(crossed out)what do you think happened here?

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    I don't rightly know... yet.

    Panel Two. Stanley stands a few feet back from Jane and shines his flashlight down onto her prone form. Her clothes are burnt and torn (tastefully), and she is scraped up and bloody, though nothing that would be obviously fatal. Stanley is turned slightly to call over his shoulder.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Got a body here. She looks kinda young.,sure is a s(crossed out)Shame...(crossed out)

    Panel Three. The same basic scene as above, only Stanley is looking questioningly at Jane.

    JANE:
    Groan.

    Panel Four. A view of Stanley reacting in horror. Both hands are fumbling about his holstered firearm.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    She's a zombie! Aim for the brain! (No. I understand that Night of the Living Dead came out in '68, but it's going to seem contrived and will take someone completely out of the story with this line.)

    Panel Five. Butch stands next to Stanley. Butch has taken his hat off and is currently hitting Stanley over the head with it. Stanley is wincing from the blow, while also still recovering a bit from his fright. He is leaning forward slightly with one hand holding his chest, over the heart, and the other hand braced on his thigh. (No. This isn't time for a comedy routine. Play it straight. Get on with the story.)

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Don't be such an idiot. Go get the first aid kit.

    Page Seven, (six panels)

    Panel One. Jane lies in a hospital bed, and the early morning sun lights the room through a pair of white curtained windows that are along a side wall. The view is slightly back from the foot of the bed, looking towards her. (I'm going a bit overboard on the room description, but it's also meant to help cover a number of the future panels) The room has white plaster walls and the floor is covered in white linoleum squares that are flecked with irregular black marks. There is an open door leading to a small bathroom, which is opposite the wall with the windows. A wooden door, leading out into the main hall, is opposite the bed. An empty pair of wooden chairs face towards the bed, and an IV stand is at the head of the bed. Jane's head has been bandaged, covering the forehead to the top of her head, and she has been dressed in a sickly green hospital gown. She has one hand raised to her forehead, a pained expression on her face, and her eyes are still closed.

    Panel Two. Jane has opened her eyes. The point of view is swung back and to the side from above, so we can see most of what Jane sees looking over the room. Through the open bathroom door a toilet and the edge of a sink are visible. The bathroom is lined with dark blue ceramic tiles. (This view is fine, but I also want it to be wavery, like she's just coming to. Then, I want another panel that's the same, but stable. THEN she can talk.)

    JANE:
    Where... ? where am I?(crossed out)(Your main character, and you are really destroying her dialogue.

    Panel Three. Jane floats a few inches off the floor next to the bed, basically getting out of it without landing on the floor. She has her eyes squeezed shut and a hand raised to her forehead.(Too fast. She should sit up first, and then get out. The floating thing, done well, should be the last thing seen on this page, or next to last. Then, we hit them with her exclamation, and then turn the page to see what she sees.)

    JANE (thought):
    Whoa... major head rush.

    Panel Four. Jane's feet touch down lightly on the floor. She has removed her hand from her forehead to brace herself on the bed.

    SFX - JANE'S FEET IMPACTING THE FLOOR (small):
    *Pat* *Pat*

    JANE (thought):
    That's better... shouldn't have got up so fast.

    Panel Five. Jane has staggered halfway across the room from the bed towards the bathroom, one hand is pressed against the wall for support. The point of view is slightly in front and to the side, looking up slightly towards Jane from the front.

    JANE (thought):
    My head feels like it's been stuffed full of cotton.

    Panel Six. Jane stands just outside the doorway of the bathroom. She has one hand raised towards her mouth in a gesture of surprise and the other hand is bracing herself on the door frame for support. The point of view is from the side, so the reader can't see what she is seeing yet.

    JANE:
    Oh! Excuse...

    Page Eight, (five panels)

    Panel One. A slight advancement of the last panel, only now with an over the shoulder view of Jane looking at herself in the bathroom mirror, which is attached above a small sink. Her hand has dropped slightly away from her mouth, and she looks more confused than surprised.

    JANE:
    ...me?

    Panel Two. Jane has stepped moved in front of the mirror and is examining her reflection. She has a hand raised towards her image in the mirror and the other bracing herself on the sink, which is under the mirror. The perspective has shifted a bit further to her side, so that we can see some of her real face as well as most of her reflection. (What's the point with this? These two panels are wasted space, because they're not doing anything. She doesn't remember. Okay. So? Something else can be done with these panels. Either that, or cut them.)
    JANE (thought):
    What the hell? Why can't I remember? (Yep. Once we get the storytelling tight, we're going to rip out a LOT of her dialogue.)

    Panel Three. A view from the side, so we can see just the real Jane. She has both hands on the sink and is leaning down over it.

    JANE (the text should get smaller and closer together as it goes along):
    Keep it together. Don't panic. Oh God, what am I going to do?

    VOICE FROM THE MIRROR ... ( I'd like to see a border that makes this stand out. Something odd, like a thick reddish gold outline to the bubble. The text should be so tiny as to be illegible, basically three tiny squiggles or almost dots.)

    Panel Four. A view slightly behind Jane looking over the shoulder so that we can see the mirror. Instead of her reflection, the mirror shows flames. (Depending on how much this is spaced out, this is a good place to end the page. Just cut out her dialogue. This may even call for a splash page. May.)

    JANE:
    Hello?- *gasp*

    VOICE FROM THE MIRROR ... (Same as above, the text slightly larger, but still it should be basically illegible)

    Panel Five. A view angled so that we can see that Jane, as well as the door leading back to the room behind her. Jane has fallen back into a sitting position and looks terrified.

    DR. HIMMELMAN (off panel, voice out in the main room):
    Mein Gott! She's gone!

    Okay, Harry.

    This is tighter, but could be tighter still. Right now, you don't have enough story to carry 28 pages. I'm thinking 22-24, but not 28. Chop it down, sew it up, and let's take another crack at it.

    However, I want to commend you on the good work you're doing here. I can see the improvements your making. Once we get this issue hammered out, the next one shouldn't be so bad.

    I do have to say, though, that this story may be something of a hard sell. It's a backdoor movie pitch, instead of being a comic in its own right. That's how your writing it, because that's what it is, and anyone reading it would see it as such. Make sure to play to the strengths of your chosen medium. Movies can afford to be a little slow here and there. Comics cannot. You have to be tight with your storytelling.

    We're getting there. Finish cutting the fluff from there, and we'll see where we're at with the page count. Like I said before, write the story, page count be damned. Outlines are nothing more than guidelines. Sometimes you'll go over, sometimes you'll come under. Don't let it worry you. Just tell the story, and let the page count worry about itself for now.

    Continue putting the work in, and we'll get this whipped into shape together.


    Really only one more re-write and revision cycle after this, draft #4 is basically the final one. So, the next version will be up tomorrow sometime before Turkey!



  8. harryd Guest

    Happy Turkey Day everybody! Here's the third revision of the script, with commentary to follow tomorrow evening:

    Page One, (five panels)

    Panel One. It is late in the evening, and Jane is driving a red Chevrolet Corvair down a two lane highway, which is bordered by oak and maple trees. The point of view is from outside the car, slightly above the hood and at a slight angle, looking in through the windshield towards Jane. Her shoulders are slouched, and she is gazing out at the road ahead with sleepy, half-lidded eyes.

    CAP:
    Summer, 1975.

    Panel Two. A view inside the car, as Jane reaches over to turn on the car radio. At the top edge this panel, the bottom half of the rear view mirror can be seen, which reflects a tiny speck of red flame in the sky of the dark roadway behind the car.

    SFX - Radio (I see the music from the radio as yellow text sort of floating over the radio, with the text opening and closing with notes.):
    *Click* A-where she'll stay-ay

    Panel Three. A return to looking in towards Jane from outside the car, though a tighter view on her than the first panel. She is looking straight ahead at the road and her eyes are highlighted by a reddish glow reflecting from the rear view mirror.

    SFX - Radio (small):
    My little...

    Panel Four. A similar view as the previous panel, only now Jane is looking at the rear view mirror in surprise, her earlier signs of fatigue gone.

    SFX - Radio (small):
    Run, Run, Runaway.

    Panel Five. Jane has turned and is looking out the rear window of the car. A red glow emanating from something above (and off panel) lights the back portion of the car.

    Jane:
    What in the world...?

    Page Two, (one panel)

    Panel One. A high angle view of Jane's car, as the roof is struck by the fireball. The roof is engulfed in flames, and there is a explosion rising up from it, though the car isn't completely obscured. In the background, a town's welcome sign can be seen. It is raised up on a pair of wooden posts on the side of the road Jane's car was driving.

    ROAD SIGN (first two lines are in large easy to read print, while the last line is in a smaller more stylish italics):
    "Welcome to
    Hope, Vermont.
    A great place for a new beginning.
    "

    SFX:
    Ka-Boom!

    (Credits also appear on this page)

    Page Three, (five panels)

    Panel One. Deputy Stanley Knotts and Sheriff Butch Mansfield sit inside the Sheriff's car: a tan Plymouth Satellite, with police lights on the roof, a two-way radio in the dashboard, and "Sheriff" emblazoned on the side. The car is parked off to the side of an empty road. Stanley is deep in thought, with his eyes closed and a hand raised to hold his chin. Butch is staring out the window with a bored expression, and one arm hanging over the top of the steering wheel with a radar gun loosely in his grip.

    Panel Two. Stanley has a fist pressed into an open palm in an pose of realization, while Butch looks over towards him in surprise.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Aliens!

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    What!?

    Panel Three. Stanley points over at Butch as he expounds upon his idea, while Butch has raised a hand to cover his eyes in a pose of exasperation.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    It all fits! The mutilated livestock and old man Harrison disappearing on his hunting trip. Aliens are behind it!

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Ugh, Stanley...

    Panel Four. Butch and Stanley continue their discourse. Butch has turned to face Stanley, who looks excited by his current theory.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Why would you even think that?

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    There's been reports of similar events that locals attributed to alien activity. Just look how far our own civilization has come in the last two hundred years.

    Panel Five. A view from outside the car looking in towards Stanley and Butch. Stanley has a hand raised towards the windshield, in a gesture up towards the night sky. Butch has a hand raised towards Stanley in a gesture to try to cut him off so that he can reply.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    We've gone from the horse and buggy to landing a man on the moon! An alien civilization hundreds or even thousands of years older than ours could easily-

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    It's not as bad as your Chupa-whatsis theory, but there are a couple flaws with it.

    Page Four, (five panels)

    Panel One. Butch and Stanley continue their discourse. Butch has turned to face Stanley, who is shrugging with a defensive posture.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Like what?

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    First off, why would anyone travel all that way just to cut up some cows and abduct one old man?

    Panel Two. As Butch and Stanley continue to talk, Stanley has his arms crossed in front of himself.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Well, um, scientific research, or...

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Also, if this sort of thing has been supposedly happened before, why in the world would they do the same thing over again? How much more are they going to learn from cows?

    Panel Three. Stanley looks a bit unsure of himself, with his crossed arms held looser as Butch continues.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    I think there's a more earthbound explanation. Mr. Harrison could come walking out of the woods any day now, or, God forbid, he might have fallen or otherwise hurt himself.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    I suppose...

    Panel Four. Butch has relaxed back into his seat, while Stanley slumps dejectedly.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    As for the cows, just because we haven't caught them yet, don't mean it's not a pack of wolves or a rabid mountain lion.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    It could still be a Chupacabra.

    Panel Five. Stanley has regained some of his enthusiasm, and is in the process or reaching for the radio. Butch has tilted his hat down so that the brim covers his eyes, as if he's about to take a nap.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Lemme give Amy a call and see what she thinks about my new idea.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Go right ahead.

    Page Five, (five panels)

    Panel One. A close up on Stanley, as he holds the police radio next to his face.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Hey, honey, I've got a new theory to try out on you.

    AMY KNOTTS - VIA RADIO:
    Oh? What is it?

    Panel Two. Stanley holds the radio out between himself and Butch, who still has his hat down over his eyes and is leaning back into his seat.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Aliens! They could be the reason for old man Harrison vanishing and all that business with the cattle.

    AMY KNOTTS - VIA RADIO:
    Interesting. I assume Butch has already shot this one down, too?

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Yea, but you know how he is...

    Panel Three. Stanley continues to hold the radio out between himself and Butch. Butch has a grin on his face, while his pose remains otherwise the same, and Stanley looks a bit disappointed.

    AMY KNOTTS - VIA RADIO:
    Well, you know I like to keep an open mind, but don't people usually report seeing unidentified flying objects or lights in the sky with aliens?

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    That's true...

    Panel Four. Stanley is pointing out the front window with one hand, the other is on Butch's shoulder to shake him. Butch has his hand at the brim of his hat, having raised it back up above his eyes.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Hey, Butch, look!

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    What now?

    Panel Five. A view from behind the car looking up towards the night sky and the surrounding tree line. In the distance, the night sky is illuminated by a fiery explosion that just peeks over the top of the trees - the explosion from page 2, seen at a distance.

    SFX (small):
    Boom.

    Page Six, (five panels)

    Panel One. The scene of the accident. The Sheriff's car is pulled over to the side of the road, with the headlights illuminating the remains of Jane's car. Jane's car is on it's side, with the bottom of the car slightly warped around a tree it has impacted. The windows have all been shattered and there is an irregular hole burnt in the roof, through which smoke still wafts up from the smoldering interior. The welcome sign sags crookedly to the ground, with one of it's supporting posts having been shattered when the car went off the road. Butch and Stanley stand outside the police car holding flashlights, with Butch standing beside the driver's door and Stanley on the passenger side. Jane's sneaker can just be seen at the very edge of the panel, as she lays in a darker section a small distance away from the two cars.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    What do you think happened here?

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    I don't rightly know... yet.

    Panel Two. Stanley stands a few feet back from Jane and shines his flashlight down onto her prone form. Her clothes are burnt and torn (tastefully), and she is scraped up and bloody, though nothing that would be obviously fatal. Stanley is turned slightly to call over his shoulder.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Got a body here. She looks kinda young. Shame...

    Panel Three. The same basic scene as above, only Stanley has started to bend down and is reaching out towards Jane to search for an I.D.

    JANE:
    Groan.

    Panel Four. Stanley has reared back in fright.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Eeek!

    Panel Five. Butch stands slightly behind Stanley, who is still recovering a bit from his fright. He is leaning forward slightly with one hand holding his chest, over the heart, and the other hand braced on his thigh. Butch has a hand over his face in disgust, in a similar gesture as page 3, panel 3.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Don't be such an idiot. Go get the first aid kit.

    Page Seven, (six panels)

    Panel One. Jane lies unconscious in a hospital bed. The early morning sun lights the room through a pair of white curtained windows that are along a side wall. The view is slightly back from the foot of the bed, looking towards her. (I'm going a bit overboard on the room description, but it's also meant to help cover a number of the future panels) The room has white plaster walls and the floor is covered in white linoleum squares that are flecked with irregular black marks. There is an open door leading to a small bathroom, which is opposite the wall with the windows. A wooden door, leading out into the main hall, is opposite the bed. An empty pair of wooden chairs face towards the bed, and an IV stand is at the head of the bed. Jane's head has been bandaged, covering the forehead to the top of her head, and she has been dressed in a sickly green hospital gown. She has one hand raised to her forehead, a pained expression on her face, and her eyes are still closed.

    Panel Two. A close up on Jane where her eyes are open, but only partially. She should looks like she's still fairly out of it.

    Panel Three. A view from Jane's point of view, looking out across the room. Everything in this panel should be distorted. Basically this is a view of the room described in the first panel. A few more details: Through the open bathroom door a toilet and the edge of a sink are visible. The bathroom is lined with dark blue ceramic tiles.

    Panel Four. The same as panel three, only without any distortion.

    Panel Five. A view of Jane sitting up in the bed, awake, if confused.

    JANE:
    Where...?

    Panel Six. Jane floats a few inches off the floor next to the bed, basically getting out of it without landing on the floor. She has her eyes squeezed shut and her arms out to try to balance herself.

    Page Eight, (five panels)

    Panel One. Jane continues to float a few inches off the floor next to the bed. She still has her eyes shut, but now she also has a hand raised to her forehead.

    JANE (thought):
    Whoa... major head rush.

    Panel Two. Jane's feet touch down lightly on the floor.

    SFX - JANE'S FEET IMPACTING THE FLOOR (small):
    *Pat* *Pat*

    Panel Three: Jane has removed her hand from her forehead and is using it to brace herself on the bed.

    JANE (thought):
    That's better... shouldn't have got up so fast.

    Panel four. Jane has staggered halfway across the room from the bed towards the bathroom, one hand is pressed against the wall for support. The point of view is slightly in front and to the side, looking up slightly towards Jane from the front.

    JANE (thought):
    My head feels like it's been stuffed with cotton.

    Panel Five. Jane stands just outside the doorway of the bathroom. She has one hand raised towards her mouth in a gesture of surprise and the other hand is bracing herself on the door frame for support. The point of view is from the side, so the reader can't see what she is seeing yet.

    JANE:
    Oh! Excuse...

    Page Nine, (five panels)

    Panel One. A slight advancement of the last panel, only now with an over the shoulder view of Jane looking at herself in the bathroom mirror, which is attached above a small sink. Her hand has dropped slightly away from her mouth, and she looks more confused than surprised.

    JANE:
    ...me?

    Panel Two. Jane has stepped moved in front of the mirror and is examining her reflection. She has a hand raised towards her image in the mirror and the other bracing herself on the sink, which is under the mirror. The perspective has shifted a bit further to her side, so that we can see some of her real face as well as most of her reflection

    JANE (thought):
    Why don't I recognize this face?

    Panel Three. A view angled to look down at Jane. She is bent over the sink with the cold water running, and has her head under the faucet. The mirror should be mostly, or completely, off-panel for the rest of this page.

    Jane (thought):
    Cut through the cobwebs. How did I get here?... Nothing.

    Panel Four. Jane pulled her head out from under the water, but is still looking downwards and leaning on the sink, her focus turned inwards.

    JANE (the text should get smaller as it goes along):
    What's going on? Why can't I remember...?

    VOICE FROM THE MIRROR: ... ( I'd like to see a border that makes this stand out. Something odd, like a thick reddish gold outline to the bubble. The text should be so tiny as to be illegible, basically three tiny squiggles or almost dots.)

    Panel Five. A tight view of Jane, looking up in surprise at the (off-panel) mirror.

    JANE:
    Hello?- *gasp*

    Page Ten, (one panels)

    Panel One. A view slightly behind Jane looking over the shoulder so that we can see the mirror. Jane has backed away in fear, for now instead of her reflection, the mirror shows flames. The "real" room looks completely normal.

    VOICE FROM THE MIRROR: ... (Same as in panel four from the previous page, the text slightly larger, but still it should be basically illegible)

    - Seems like it keeps getting longer, doesn't it? And, I cut the scene a bit earlier here, with the former last panel being the first panel on the next page. The next round of commentary is basically the last one. So, where are there still problems with this script that haven't been fixed? Feel free to take a guess, or wait until tomorrow night to see what Steven pointed out.



  9. harryd Guest

    Day after Thanksgiving and fighting turkey coma. Here's the comments for the third revision of the script:

    Page One, (five panels)

    Panel One. It is late in the evening, and Jane is driving a red Chevrolet Corvair down a two lane highway, which is bordered by oak and maple trees. The point of view is from outside the car, slightly above the hood and at a slight angle, looking in through the windshield towards Jane. Her shoulders are slouched, and she is gazing out at the road ahead with sleepy, half-lidded eyes.

    CAP:
    Summer, 1975.

    Panel Two. A view inside the car, as Jane reaches over to turn on the car radio. At the top edge this panel, the bottom half of the rear view mirror can be seen, which reflects a tiny speck of red flame in the sky of the dark roadway behind the car. (This will be from behind Jane. And have you seen the inside of a Chevy Corvair? How high up is the radio? I ask because the artist is going to need to know, in order to know how far back to pull the camera in order to get it all. It would be good if you provided a link for the artist for the inside of the car.)

    SFX - Radio (I see the music from the radio as yellow text sort of floating over the radio, with the text opening and closing with notes.):
    *Click* A-where she'll stay-ay (If these are lyrics from an actual song, you're going to need permission to use them. Otherwise, it's copyright infringement. If they're just placeholders until you think of something else, that's fine.)

    Panel Three. A return to looking in towards Jane from outside the car, though a tighter view on her than the first panel. She is looking straight ahead at the road and her eyes are highlighted by a reddish glow reflecting from the rear view mirror.

    SFX - Radio (small):
    My little...

    Panel Four. A similar view as the previous panel, only now Jane is looking at the rear view mirror in surprise, her earlier signs of fatigue gone.

    SFX - Radio (small):
    Run, Run, Runaway.

    Panel Five. Jane has turned and is looking out the rear window of the car. A red glow emanating from something above (and off panel) lights the back portion of the car.

    Jane:
    What in the world...?

    Page Two, (one panel)

    Panel One. A high angle view of Jane's car, as the roof is struck by the fireball. The roof is engulfed in flames, and there is a explosion rising up from it, though the car isn't completely obscured. In the background, a town's welcome sign can be seen. It is raised up on a pair of wooden posts on the side of the road Jane's car was driving.

    ROAD SIGN (first two lines are in large easy to read print, while the last line is in a smaller more stylish italics):
    "Welcome to
    Hope, Vermont.
    A great place for a new beginning.
    "

    SFX:
    Ka-Boom!

    (Credits also appear on this page)

    Page Three, (five panels)

    Panel One. Deputy Stanley Knotts and Sheriff Butch Mansfield sit inside the Sheriff's car: a tan Plymouth Satellite, with police lights on the roof, a two-way radio in the dashboard, and "Sheriff" emblazoned on the side. The car is parked off to the side of an empty road. Stanley is deep in thought, with his eyes closed and a hand raised to hold his chin. Butch is staring out the window with a bored expression, and one arm hanging over the top of the steering wheel with a radar gun loosely in his grip.

    Panel Two. Stanley has a fist pressed into an open palm in an pose of realization, while Butch looks over towards him in surprise.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Aliens!

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    What!?

    Panel Three. Stanley points over at Butch as he expounds upon his idea, while Butch has raised a hand to cover his eyes in a pose of exasperation.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    It all fits! The mutilated livestock and old man Harrison disappearing on his hunting trip. Aliens are behind it!

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Ugh, Stanley...

    Panel Four. Butch and Stanley continue their discourse. Butch has turned to face Stanley, who looks excited by his current theory.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Why would you even think that?

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    There's been reports of similar events that locals attributed to alien activity. Just look how far our own civilization has come in the last two hundred years.

    Panel Five. A view from outside the car looking in towards Stanley and Butch. Stanley has a hand raised towards the windshield, in a gesture up towards the night sky. Butch has a hand raised towards Stanley in a gesture to try to cut him off so that he can reply.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    We've gone from the horse and buggy to landing a man on the moon! An alien civilization hundreds or even thousands of years older than ours could easily-

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    It's not as bad as your Chupa-whatsis theory, but there are a couple flaws with it.

    Page Four, (five panels)

    Panel One. Butch and Stanley continue their discourse. Butch has turned to face Stanley, who is shrugging with a defensive posture.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Like what?

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    First off, why would anyone travel all that way just to cut up some cows and abduct one old man?

    Panel Two. As Butch and Stanley continue to talk, Stanley has his arms crossed in front of himself.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Well, um, scientific research, or...

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Also, if this sort of thing has been supposedly happened before, why in the world would they do the same thing over again? How much more are they going to learn from cows?

    Panel Three. Stanley looks a bit unsure of himself, with his crossed arms held looser as Butch continues.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    I think there's a more earthbound explanation. Mr. Harrison could come walking out of the woods any day now, or, God forbid, he might have fallen or otherwise hurt himself.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    I suppose...

    Panel Four. Butch has relaxed back into his seat, while Stanley slumps dejectedly.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    As for the cows, just because we haven't caught them yet, don't mean it's not a pack of wolves or a rabid mountain lion.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    It could still be a Chupacabra.

    Panel Five. Stanley has regained some of his enthusiasm, and is in the process or reaching for the radio. Butch has tilted his hat down so that the brim covers his eyes, as if he's about to take a nap.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Lemme give Amy a call and see what she thinks about my new idea.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Go right ahead.

    Page Five, (five panels)

    Panel One. A close up on Stanley, as he holds the police radio next to his face.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Hey, honey, I've got a new theory to try out on you.

    AMY KNOTTS - VIA RADIO:
    Oh? What is it?

    Panel Two. Stanley holds the radio out between himself and Butch, who still has his hat down over his eyes and is leaning back into his seat.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Aliens! They could be the reason for old man Harrison vanishing and all that business with the cattle.

    AMY KNOTTS - VIA RADIO:
    Interesting. I assume Butch has already shot this one down, too?

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Yea, but you know how he is...

    Panel Three. Stanley continues to hold the radio out between himself and Butch. Butch has a grin on his face, while his pose remains otherwise the same, and Stanley looks a bit disappointed.

    AMY KNOTTS - VIA RADIO:
    Well, you know I like to keep an open mind, but don't people usually report seeing unidentified flying objects or lights in the sky with aliens?

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    That's true...

    Panel Four. Stanley is pointing out the front window with one hand, the other is on Butch's shoulder to shake him. Butch has his hand at the brim of his hat, having raised it back up above his eyes.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Hey, Butch, look!

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    What now?

    Panel Five. A view from behind the car looking up towards the night sky and the surrounding tree line. In the distance, the night sky is illuminated by a fiery explosion that just peeks over the top of the trees - the explosion from page 2, seen at a distance. (Harry, this page reads MUCH better. Good work.)

    SFX (small):
    Boom.

    Page Six, (five panels)

    Panel One. The scene of the accident. The Sheriff's car is pulled over to the side of the road, with the headlights illuminating the remains of Jane's car. Jane's car is on it's side, with the bottom of the car slightly warped around a tree it has impacted. The windows have all been shattered and there is an irregular hole burnt in the roof, through which smoke still wafts up from the smoldering interior. The welcome sign sags crookedly to the ground, with one of it's supporting posts having been shattered when the car went off the road. Butch and Stanley stand outside the police car holding flashlights, with Butch standing beside the driver's door and Stanley on the passenger side. Jane's sneaker can just be seen at the very edge of the panel, as she lays in a darker section a small distance away from the two cars.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    What do you think happened here?

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    I don't rightly know... yet.

    Panel Two. Stanley stands a few feet back from Jane and shines his flashlight down onto her prone form. Her clothes are burnt and torn (tastefully), and she is scraped up and bloody, though nothing that would be obviously fatal. Stanley is turned slightly to call over his shoulder.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Got a body here. She looks kinda young. Shame...

    Panel Three. The same basic scene as above, only Stanley has started to bend down and is reaching out towards Jane to search for an I.D.

    JANE:
    Groan.

    Panel Four. Stanley has reared back in fright.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Eeek!

    Panel Five. Butch stands slightly behind Stanley, who is still recovering a bit from his fright. He is leaning forward slightly with one hand holding his chest, over the heart, and the other hand braced on his thigh. Butch has a hand over his face in disgust, in a similar gesture as page 3, panel 3.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Don't be such an idiot. Go get the first aid kit.

    Page Seven, (six panels)

    Panel One. Jane lies unconscious in a hospital bed. The early morning sun lights the room through a pair of white curtained windows that are along a side wall. The view is slightly back from the foot of the bed, looking towards her. (I'm going a bit overboard on the room description, but it's also meant to help cover a number of the future panels) The room has white plaster walls and the floor is covered in white linoleum squares that are flecked with irregular black marks. There is an open door leading to a small bathroom, which is opposite the wall with the windows. A wooden door, leading out into the main hall, is opposite the bed. An empty pair of wooden chairs face towards the bed, and an IV stand is at the head of the bed. Jane's head has been bandaged, covering the forehead to the top of her head, and she has been dressed in a sickly green hospital gown. She has one hand raised to her forehead, a pained expression on her face, and her eyes are still closed.

    Panel Two. A close up on Jane where her eyes are open, but only partially. She should looks like she's still fairly out of it.

    Panel Three. A view from Jane's point of view, looking out across the room. Everything in this panel should be distorted. Basically this is a view of the room described in the first panel. A few more details: Through the open bathroom door a toilet and the edge of a sink are visible. The bathroom is lined with dark blue ceramic tiles.

    Panel Four. The same as panel three, only without any distortion.

    Panel Five. A view of Jane sitting up in the bed, awake, if confused.

    JANE:
    Where...?(crossed out) Mmmm-ooh... (Groaning works better than having her suddenly talking first.)

    Panel Six. Jane floats a few inches off the floor next to the bed, basically getting out of it without landing on the floor. She has her eyes squeezed shut and her arms out to try to balance herself. (Have Jane talk here. She says “whoa...” and then the second part stays on the next page.)

    Page Eight, (five panels)

    Panel One. Jane continues to float a few inches off the floor next to the bed. She still has her eyes shut, but now she also has a hand raised to her forehead.

    JANE (thought):
    Whoa...(crossed out) major head rush.

    Panel Two. Jane's feet touch down lightly on the floor.

    SFX - JANE'S FEET IMPACTING THE FLOOR (small):
    *Pat* *Pat*

    Panel Three: Jane has removed her hand from her forehead and is using it to brace herself on the bed.

    JANE (thought):
    That's better... shouldn't have got up so fast.

    Panel four. Jane has staggered halfway across the room from the bed towards the bathroom, one hand is pressed against the wall for support. The point of view is slightly in front and to the side, looking up slightly towards Jane from the front.

    JANE (thought):
    My h(crossed out) Head feels like it's been stuffed with cotton.

    Panel Five. Jane stands just outside the doorway of the bathroom. She has one hand raised towards her mouth in a gesture of surprise and the other hand is bracing herself on the door frame for support. The point of view is from the side, so the reader can't see what she is seeing yet.

    JANE:
    Oh! Excuse...

    Page Nine, (five panels)

    Panel One. A slight advancement of the last panel, only now with an over the shoulder view of Jane looking at herself in the bathroom mirror, which is attached above a small sink. Her hand has dropped slightly away from her mouth, and she looks more confused than surprised.

    JANE:
    ...me?

    Panel Two. Jane has stepped moved in front of the mirror and is examining her reflection. She has a hand raised towards her image in the mirror and the other bracing herself on the sink, which is under the mirror. The perspective has shifted a bit further to her side, so that we can see some of her real face as well as most of her reflection

    JANE (thought):
    I-Is that me? Why don't I recognize this face? (crossed out)

    Panel Three. A view angled to look down at Jane. She is bent over the sink with the cold water running, and has her head under the faucet. The mirror should be mostly, or completely, off-panel for the rest of this page.

    Jane (thought):
    Cut through the cobwebs (crossed out) Wait... Think, okay? How did I get here? ...Nothing (crossed out)

    Panel Four. Jane pulled her head out from under the water, but is still looking downwards and leaning on the sink, her focus turned inwards.

    JANE (the text should get smaller as it goes along):
    Nothing. Nothing? Nothing at all? What's going on? Why can't I remember? (crossed out)

    VOICE FROM THE MIRROR: ... ( I'd like to see a border that makes this stand out. Something odd, like a thick reddish gold outline to the bubble. The text should be so tiny as to be illegible, basically three tiny squiggles or almost dots.)

    Panel Five. A tight view of Jane, looking up in surprise at the (off-panel) mirror.

    JANE:
    Hello?- *gasp*

    (Again, Harry, good work here. Yes, I might end up rewriting a lot of Jane's dialogue. This way, you can see things that she should be saying because of her situation. Again, I don't know how everyone else's dialogue is pretty good, and hers is terrible. That's a great trick, but I sincerely want you to un-leaarn it.)

    Page Ten, (one panels)

    Panel One. A view slightly behind Jane looking over the shoulder so that we can see the mirror. Jane has backed away in fear, for now instead of her reflection, the mirror shows flames. The "real" room looks completely normal.

    VOICE FROM THE MIRROR: ... (Same as in panel four from the previous page, the text slightly larger, but still it should be basically illegible)

    Comments from the end:

    Okay, Harry. This is MUCH MUCH MUCH better than the first draft done.

    Once we get these few small things taken care of, this will be ready to be drawn.

    Good job here. Very good job.


    - The final version is very close to this one, with most of the edits being done as suggested, though I did tweak a couple lines here and there. A lot less red than the earlier drafts. Hopefully people found this informational, and if anyone has any questions or comments feel free to post them up! With luck, and some hard work, I'm hoping that this may actually see light of day in comic form sometime in the next year.



  10. CalvinCamp Guest

    I was going to sit this out, as far as comments go, but my willpower is weak. And besides... the question of, “What would Forby do?” would not really be complete (at least here on TPG) unless the answer included, “Get heckled by Calvin.” And, if nothing else, this should help show that there’s more than one way to look at anything.

    Page One, (five panels)

    Panel One. It is late in the evening, and Jane is driving a red Chevrolet Corvair down a two lane highway, which is bordered by oak and maple trees. The point of view is from outside the car, slightly above the hood and at a slight angle, looking in through the windshield towards Jane. Her shoulders are slouched, and she is gazing out at the road ahead with sleepy, half-lidded eyes.

    To start off with... Kudos on calling out an actual make and model of car. I think that’s cool (just make sure the trademarked emblems are left off). Too often people don’t even include a general type of car. On top of being a nice bonus for your artist, using an easily recognizable, classic vehicle could also help reinforce that this is taking place in the past. Unfortunately, no one will ever know it was a Covair, because you’re not letting them see enough of it to tell. There’s not a single shot (until after it’s a mangled mess) that shows the car. You’re wasting a great opportunity. I’d like to see an establishing shot of the car, the two lane highway, etc. and then zoom in to show Jane.

    And when you zoom in to show Jane, don’t do it through the windshield. If it’s getting dark (which is what I’m taking from your “late in the evening” description) you wouldn’t be able to see through the windshield, because any light source (unless the dome light is on in the car) would be limited and coming from in front of the car, so it would reflect off the glass. Sure you could use artistic license and show her through the windshield anyway, but why not have the side window rolled down and show her through that? Or move the camera inside the car, since you’ll already have provided an establishing shot.

    And no, this won’t make your panel count too big, because you want to drop one of the other panels.


    CAP:
    Summer, 1975.

    Panel Two. A view inside the car, as Jane reaches over to turn on the car radio. At the top edge this panel, the bottom half of the rear view mirror can be seen, which reflects a tiny speck of red flame in the sky of the dark roadway behind the car. (This will be from behind Jane. And have you seen the inside of a Chevy Corvair? How high up is the radio? I ask because the artist is going to need to know, in order to know how far back to pull the camera in order to get it all. It would be good if you provided a link for the artist for the inside of the car.)

    You don’t want this panel to be from behind Jane. You want this to be zoomed in from your establishing shot, to show her sleepy (like your panel 1, except this is a ¾ view from her front left side, looking in the side window of the car). We don’t care about the rear-view mirror yet. Just show some red highlights on the upper right side of her face, reflecting off the mirror.

    SFX - Radio (I see the music from the radio as yellow text sort of floating over the radio, with the text opening and closing with notes.):
    *Click* A-where she'll stay-ay (If these are lyrics from an actual song, you're going to need permission to use them. Otherwise, it's copyright infringement. If they're just placeholders until you think of something else, that's fine.)

    Steven’s comment is dead on. I’d just like to note that you really don’t need to mess with song lyrics. The scene will still play without them, and it might even be a chance to give a snippet of a local news report about cattle mutilations and missing old men. Foreshadowing is good.

    Panel Three. A return to looking in towards Jane from outside the car, though a tighter view on her than the first panel. She is looking straight ahead at the road and her eyes are highlighted by a reddish glow reflecting from the rear view mirror.

    This is the panel you want to get rid of, because you’ll have already covered what you’re trying to show here.


    SFX - Radio (small):
    My little...

    Panel Four. A similar view as the previous panel, only now Jane is looking at the rear view mirror in surprise, her earlier signs of fatigue gone.

    SFX - Radio (small):
    Run, Run, Runaway.

    This panel should be from beside her, maybe even a little in front, so we can see a hint of her wide eyes and her mouth opened in surprise as she gives a sideways glance at the rearview mirror, which has a red glow emanating from it. Kick up the red highlights on her face a bit more.

    Panel Five. Jane has turned and is looking out the rear window of the car. A red glow emanating from something above (and off panel) lights the back portion of the car.

    Jane:
    What in the world...?

    This is the view that should be from behind her, so we can see her face as she looks back (lit with red light), along with the fireball reflected in the rearview mirror.



    Page Two, (one panel)

    Panel One. A high angle view of Jane's car, as the roof is struck by the fireball. The roof is engulfed in flames, and there is a (an) explosion rising up from it, though the car isn't completely obscured. In the background, a town's welcome sign can be seen. It is raised up on a pair of wooden posts on the side of the road Jane's car was driving.

    Honestly (even though it violated the laws of physics), your original description for the splash page was better than this one. That one at least suggested a fireball that impacted the car and caused Jane to loose control and crash. This one sounds like the car is exploding, which, we find out later, didn’t actually happen. Fix the description to match your established chain of events.

    I would suggest having the fireball hit the back window from a fairly low trajectory, which is more in keeping with being able to see it approaching in the mirror, and could cause the car to be forced both forward and down, making it flip (whereas hitting downward onto the roof, would just slam it into the pavement). Show the car flipping; that was cool.

    But... This page doesn’t belong here. It’s a great page (or at least has the potential to be), but it’s coming too soon. Save the suspense to help carry you through the next scene.


    ROAD SIGN (first two lines are in large easy to read print, while the last line is in a smaller more stylish italics):
    "Welcome to
    Hope, Vermont.
    A great place for a new beginning.
    "

    SFX:
    Ka-Boom!

    (Credits also appear on this page)


    Page Three, (five panels)

    Panel One. Deputy Stanley Knotts and Sheriff Butch Mansfield sit inside the Sheriff's car: a tan Plymouth Satellite, with police lights on the roof, a two-way radio in the dashboard, and "Sheriff" emblazoned on the side. The car is parked off to the side of an empty road. Stanley is deep in thought, with his eyes closed and a hand raised to hold his chin. Butch is staring out the window with a bored expression, and one arm hanging over the top of the steering wheel with a radar gun loosely in his grip.

    Once again, you’ve got a great car to show the time period, and you’re not allowing room enough to show it. If we’re zoomed in enough to see all that detail of the characters, the car is almost completely cropped off. Another wasted opportunity.

    Panel Two. Stanley has a fist pressed into an open palm in an (a) pose of realization, while Butch looks over towards him in surprise.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Aliens!

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    What!?

    Panel Three. Stanley points over at Butch as he expounds upon his idea, while Butch has raised a hand to cover his eyes in a pose of exasperation.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    It all fits! The mutilated livestock and old man Harrison disappearing on his hunting trip. Aliens are behind it!

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Ugh, Stanley...

    Panel Four. Butch and Stanley continue their discourse. Butch has turned to face Stanley, who looks excited by his current theory.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Why would you even think that?

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    There's been reports of similar events that locals attributed to alien activity. Just look how far our own civilization has come in the last two hundred years.

    Panel Five. A view from outside the car looking in towards Stanley and Butch. Stanley has a hand raised towards the windshield, in a gesture up towards the night sky. Butch has a hand raised towards Stanley in a gesture to try to cut him off so that he can reply.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    We've gone from the horse and buggy to landing a man on the moon! An alien civilization hundreds or even thousands of years older than ours could easily-

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    It's not as bad as your Chupa-whatsis theory, but there are a couple flaws with it.

    Page Four, (five panels)

    Panel One. Butch and Stanley continue their discourse. Butch has turned to face Stanley, who is shrugging with a defensive posture.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Like what?

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    First off, why would anyone travel all that way just to cut up some cows and abduct one old man?

    Panel Two. As Butch and Stanley continue to talk, Stanley has his arms crossed in front of himself.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Well, um, scientific research, or...

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Also, if this sort of thing has been supposedly happened before, why in the world would they do the same thing over again? How much more are they going to learn from cows?

    Panel Three. Stanley looks a bit unsure of himself, with his crossed arms held looser as Butch continues.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    I think there's a more earthbound explanation. Mr. Harrison could come walking out of the woods any day now, or, God forbid, he might have fallen or otherwise hurt himself.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    I suppose...

    Panel Four. Butch has relaxed back into his seat, while Stanley slumps dejectedly.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    As for the cows, just because we haven't caught them yet, don't mean it's not a pack of wolves or a rabid mountain lion.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    It could still be a Chupacabra.

    Panel Five. Stanley has regained some of his enthusiasm, and is in the process or reaching for the radio. Butch has tilted his hat down so that the brim covers his eyes, as if he's about to take a nap.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Lemme give Amy a call and see what she thinks about my new idea.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Go right ahead.

    Page Five, (five panels)

    Panel One. A close up on Stanley, as he holds the police radio next to his face.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Hey, honey, I've got a new theory to try out on you.

    AMY KNOTTS - VIA RADIO:
    Oh? What is it?

    Panel Two. Stanley holds the radio out between himself and Butch, who still has his hat down over his eyes and is leaning back into his seat.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Aliens! They could be the reason for old man Harrison vanishing and all that business with the cattle.

    AMY KNOTTS - VIA RADIO:
    Interesting. I assume Butch has already shot this one down, too?

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Yea, but you know how he is...

    Panel Three. Stanley continues to hold the radio out between himself and Butch. Butch has a grin on his face, while his pose remains otherwise the same, and Stanley looks a bit disappointed.

    AMY KNOTTS - VIA RADIO:
    Well, you know I like to keep an open mind, but don't people usually report seeing unidentified flying objects or lights in the sky with aliens?

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    That's true...

    Panel Four. Stanley is pointing out the front window with one hand, the other is on Butch's shoulder to shake him. Butch has his hand at the brim of his hat, having raised it back up above his eyes.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Hey, Butch, look!

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    What now?

    Panel Five. A view from behind the car looking up towards the night sky and the surrounding tree line. In the distance, the night sky is illuminated by a fiery explosion that just peeks over the top of the trees - the explosion from page 2, seen at a distance. (Harry, this page reads MUCH better. Good work.)

    Better? Maybe. But still bad. The dialogue is clunky and the scene is padded. I haven’t addressed it in any detail, because you’ve still got too much work to do on it. Cut this entire scene down to one page, and you’ll be doing yourself (and your readers) a favor. You might be able to get away with two, though I think it’d be milking it. Three is just criminal. Andy and Barney are great, but there’s nothing interesting enough going on here to deserve three pages. There’s no vital information here that you can’t get across in one page, if you set your mind to it. One page of banter and exposition, ending with Barney calling Amy on the radio for moral support, and BOOM. Done and on to the actual story.

    Don’t believe it can be done? Let’s see...

    1) Police car parked at the speed trap. Balloons going into car. “Aliens!” - “What!?”
    2) Zoom in on Andy and Barney. “It all fits! The mutilated livestock. Old man Harrison disappearing. Aliens are behind it!” - “Ugh. Stanley... Why would you even think that?
    3) It's not as bad as your Chupa-whatsis theory, but...” - “But what? There have been reports of alien activity around here before.” - “Why would aliens travel all this way just to cut up some cows and abduct an old man?
    4) “Well, um...” - “Mr. Harrison could come walking out of the woods any day now, or, God forbid, he might have hurt himself.” - “I suppose...” - “And a pack of wolves or a mountain lion could have gotten the cows.”
    5) “It could still be a Chupacabra. Lemme give Amy a call and see what she thinks.”
    6) Boom.

    See? One page.

    But what I really want to know is what Andy and Barney are doing lounging at a speed trap, when there’s an old guy lost in the woods.


    SFX (small):
    Boom.

    Now HERE is where you put in your splash page of the Covair getting hit by the fireball. We’ll know it’s the same car, because your establishing shot will have let the reader know what Jane’s car looked like.

    Page Six, (five panels)

    Panel One. The scene of the accident. The Sheriff's car is pulled over to the side of the road, with the headlights illuminating the remains of Jane's car. Jane's car is on it's (possessive, no apostrophe) side, with the bottom of the car slightly warped around a tree it has impacted. The windows have all been shattered and there is an irregular hole burnt in the roof, through which smoke still wafts up from the smoldering interior. The welcome sign sags crookedly to the ground, with one of it's (possessive, no apostrophe) supporting posts having been shattered when the car went off the road. Butch and Stanley stand outside the police car holding flashlights, with Butch standing beside the driver's door and Stanley on the passenger side. Jane's sneaker can just be seen at the very edge of the panel, as she lays (lies) in a darker section a small distance away from the two cars.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    What do you think happened here?

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    I don't rightly know... yet.

    Panel Two. Stanley stands a few feet back from Jane and shines his flashlight down onto her prone form. Her clothes are burnt and torn (tastefully), and she is scraped up and bloody, though nothing that would be obviously fatal. Stanley is turned slightly to call over his shoulder.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Got a body here. She looks kinda young. Shame...

    Panel Three. The same basic scene as above, only Stanley has started to bend down and is reaching out towards Jane to search for an I.D.

    JANE:
    Groan.

    Panel Four. Stanley has reared back in fright.

    DEPUTY STANLEY KNOTTS:
    Eeek!

    Decision time. Is this Mayberry, as the characters suggest? Is this a comedy (or does it have comedic elements)? If not, then stick with Steven’s advice to play it straight (which, IMO, means rethinking these two characters completely), but, for God’s sake, fix that last line. “Eeek?” Please.

    If it IS supposed to be comedic, then don’t play it straight. Personally, I’d go back to, “She’s a zombie! Aim for the brain!” It was funny. And potential anachronisms don’t matter that much in comedy. If someone is over-thinking it so much that the line takes them out of the comic, then I think they need to lighten up. I could totally SEE Don Knotts delivering that line as he stumbled backwards fumbling for his gun. It was just about perfect – IF Mayberry is what you’re going for. And, if Mayberry is what you're going for, you won't be doing anyone any favors by not making that clear as early as possible.


    Panel Five. Butch stands slightly behind Stanley, who is still recovering a bit from his fright. He is leaning forward slightly with one hand holding his chest, over the heart, and the other hand braced on his thigh. Butch has a hand over his face in disgust, in a similar gesture as page 3, panel 3.

    SHERIFF BUTCH MANSFIELD:
    Don't be such an idiot. Go get the first aid kit.

    Page Seven, (six panels)

    Panel One. Jane lies unconscious in a hospital bed. The early morning sun lights the room through a pair of white curtained windows that are along a side wall. The view is slightly back from the foot of the bed, looking towards her. (I'm going a bit overboard on the room description, but it's also meant to help cover a number of the future panels) The room has white plaster walls and the floor is covered in white linoleum squares that are flecked with irregular black marks. There is an open door leading to a small bathroom, which is opposite the wall with the windows. A wooden door, leading out into the main hall, is opposite the bed. An empty pair of wooden chairs face towards the bed, and an IV stand is at the head of the bed. Jane's head has been bandaged, covering the forehead to the top of her head, and she has been dressed in a sickly green hospital gown. She has one hand raised to her forehead, a pained expression on her face, and her eyes are still closed.

    Panel Two. A close up on Jane where her eyes are open, but only partially. She should looks like she's still fairly out of it.

    Panel Three. A view from Jane's point of view, looking out across the room. Everything in this panel should be distorted. Basically this is a view of the room described in the first panel. A few more details: Through the open bathroom door a toilet and the edge of a sink are visible. The bathroom is lined with dark blue ceramic tiles.

    Panel Four. The same as panel three, only without any distortion.

    Panel Five. A view of Jane sitting up in the bed, awake, if confused.

    JANE:
    Where...?(crossed out) Mmmm-ooh... (Groaning works better than having her suddenly talking first.)

    Panel Six. Jane floats a few inches off the floor next to the bed, basically getting out of it without landing on the floor. She has her eyes squeezed shut and her arms out to try to balance herself. (Have Jane talk here. She says “whoa...” and then the second part stays on the next page.)

    Page Eight, (five panels)

    Panel One. Jane continues to float a few inches off the floor next to the bed. She still has her eyes shut, but now she also has a hand raised to her forehead.

    JANE (thought):
    Whoa...(crossed out) major head rush.

    Panel Two. Jane's feet touch down lightly on the floor.

    SFX - JANE'S FEET IMPACTING THE FLOOR (small):
    *Pat* *Pat*

    Panel Three: Jane has removed her hand from her forehead and is using it to brace herself on the bed.

    JANE (thought):
    That's better... shouldn't have got up so fast.

    Panel four. Jane has staggered halfway across the room from the bed towards the bathroom, one hand is pressed against the wall for support. The point of view is slightly in front and to the side, looking up slightly towards Jane from the front.

    JANE (thought):
    My h(crossed out) Head feels like it's been stuffed with cotton.

    Panel Five. Jane stands just outside the doorway of the bathroom. She has one hand raised towards her mouth in a gesture of surprise and the other hand is bracing herself on the door frame for support. The point of view is from the side, so the reader can't see what she is seeing yet.

    JANE:
    Oh! Excuse...

    Page Nine, (five panels)

    Panel One. A slight advancement of the last panel, only now with an over the shoulder view of Jane looking at herself in the bathroom mirror, which is attached above a small sink. Her hand has dropped slightly away from her mouth, and she looks more confused than surprised.

    JANE:
    ...me?

    Panel Two. Jane has stepped moved in front of the mirror and is examining her reflection. She has a hand raised towards her image in the mirror and the other bracing herself on the sink, which is under the mirror. The perspective has shifted a bit further to her side, so that we can see some of her real face as well as most of her reflection

    JANE (thought):
    I-Is that me? Why don't I recognize this face? (crossed out)

    Panel Three. A view angled to look down at Jane. She is bent over the sink with the cold water running, and has her head under the faucet. The mirror should be mostly, or completely, off-panel for the rest of this page.

    Jane (thought):
    Cut through the cobwebs (crossed out) Wait... Think, okay? How did I get here? ...Nothing (crossed out)

    Panel Four. Jane pulled her head out from under the water, but is still looking downwards and leaning on the sink, her focus turned inwards.

    JANE (the text should get smaller as it goes along):
    Nothing. Nothing? Nothing at all? What's going on? Why can't I remember? (crossed out)

    VOICE FROM THE MIRROR: ... ( I'd like to see a border that makes this stand out. Something odd, like a thick reddish gold outline to the bubble. The text should be so tiny as to be illegible, basically three tiny squiggles or almost dots.)

    I thought the mirror was off-panel. You're dragging out your reveal and it's causing you problems. Personally I think you’re playing too many games to try and get that splash reveal for next page, and it’s really not all that effective of a splash.

    Panel Five. A tight view of Jane, looking up in surprise at the (off-panel) mirror.

    If the mirror is off-panel, we can’t see her looking at it.

    JANE:
    Hello?- *gasp*

    (Again, Harry, good work here. Yes, I might end up rewriting a lot of Jane's dialogue. This way, you can see things that she should be saying because of her situation. Again, I don't know how everyone else's dialogue is pretty good, and hers is terrible. That's a great trick, but I sincerely want you to un-leaarn it.)


    Steven’s dialogue edits are improvements, but it’s still coming off a little clunky to me. You could also cut six panels out of that scene (that’s right, a whole page) and not lose a thing you need. Streamline the dialogue along with it, and it might help that too.

    IMO, this is all you really need:
    1) Jane waking up in the hospital room. “Uhnn... Where...?”
    2) Jane getting out of bed, seeming to brace her foot against the air several inches above the floor (use some wavy motion lines by her foot to indicate floating) “Whoa...”
    3) Jane standing, looking off balance & floating above the floor (floaty lines by her feet). “...shouldn't have got up so fast.”
    4) Jane leaning on the wall as she goes through the bathroom door, her feet on the floor now. “Oh! Excuse...
    5) Jane staring at her reflection in the mirror. “...me?”
    Page Break
    1) View from in front of Jane, as she touches her face. “I-Is that me? What's going on?
    2) View from in front of Jane, as she’s leaning on the sink, her head hanging. “Why can't I remember...” - Off-panel voice from the mirror.
    3) Same view, but Jane is looking up in surprise, her face lit by a red glow. “Wha...?”
    4) Large panel. View from ¾ behind Jane, as she recoils from the reveal of the fire in the mirror. “gasp” - Voice from the mirror.


    Page Ten, (one panels)

    Panel One. A view slightly behind Jane looking over the shoulder so that we can see the mirror. Jane has backed away in fear, for now instead of her reflection, the mirror shows flames. The "real" room looks completely normal.

    VOICE FROM THE MIRROR: ... (Same as in panel four from the previous page, the text slightly larger, but still it should be basically illegible)

    Like I suggested in my prediction earlier, the biggest problem this script has is padding.

    I’ve cut your ten pages of comic down to five pages. I’ll admit, that’s some pretty ruthless cutting, but it’s meant as an example. I won’t say you actually have to do all this in five pages, but knowing that it can be done should show you how ridiculously padded this is at twice that length.

    That said, I do like what I can see of the story so far. And I love the Mayberry guys. I hope to see more of them when this comic comes out.



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