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Thread: TPG: Week 46 - Barri Lang

  1. CalvinCamp Guest

    TPG: Week 46 - Barri Lang

    Barri Lang is up again. Let’s see what he’s got for us this time.

    Army of One (this was the working title)

    Page 1
    Panel 1
    We’re in a woodland clearing, Europe (Germany to be precise) 44 AD. Sparse pine tree trunks and low hanging branches are in the panel, on the ground is a bed of brown pine needles. It’s a bright afternoon and the sun cascades between the pine trees.

    The shot is looking towards a man (M/G) covered in a pattern of blue body paint, riding a bear as if it were a horse, saddle and all. He holds a spear high. Both Bear and man work as one to try and stop their attacker.

    What does, “Both Bear and man work as one to try and stop their attacker,” mean? That’s kind of vague. What do you want to see?

    Viewing Bronwen (F/G) from behind. (period) we see Bronwen. (remove that yellow bit) She is a slim young girl clad in Celtic battle dress. She needs to be free to move and fight. Nothing gratuitous, think Kiera Knightley in Arthur.

    She leaps through the air. A giant long sword is clasped in her small hands. Her hands are above her head the sword over her back as she gives it a full swing. Bosy (body) arched as her body prepares to release the coiled energy within it.

    SFX (From the bear) - REEOOOORRRGHHH

    Panel 2
    Viewing above the above panel from a reverse angle. (Huh? Viewing above the what now? When you read that sentence, does it make sense to you?) The Bear’s back F/G, Bronwen M/G. In the B/G we can see a small group of 7 toddlers. 5 huddle together while 1 looks on longing to get into the fight and the last has his bow drawn an arrow ready to fly.

    A toddler has a bow drawn? A toy bow, I presume? If not, then he’s not a toddler (unless you silly Brits have a different meaning for “toddler”, too - I wouldn’t put it past you. ). I would assume a “toddler” to be about three. How old are these kids supposed to be? And some sort of description of the kids would also be nice.

    Why can we only see the bear’s back, when we can see Browen? Has she leaped clear over its head? What is the bear doing?


    Panel 3
    Pull in close to Bronwen (try and fir (fit) the bear paw in extreme F/G). Her eyes calm and focused on the bear. Over her left shoulder an arrow is about to pass her head.

    Bronwen
    ARGH!

    Why is Bronwen ARGHing? Did the bear hit her? Did she hit the bear? What is she doing while the arrow is flying by? Is the bear-rider still trying to stab her with the spear? I know where Browen and the bear are, but I have no idea what anyone is doing.

    Caption – That’s me. Regular “warrior princess,(comma)” ain’t I? (question mark)


    Page 2
    Panel 1
    The bear roars in pain as Bronwen has brought her sword onto its right wrist. Blood spurting from the wound. She looks to the toddlers (O/P over her left shoulder) annoyance on her face. The arrow has hit the bear in the forehead but is shattering on the solid skull. The rider’s face a mixture of fear and despair. This bear would have taken time to train, a bond will have been built so he’s going to feel a great deal of loos (loss) as it is hurt/killed.

    She spent three panels flying through the air to hit the bear on the wrist? Okay. I guess.

    If you had described the sword slicing through the wrist and severing its paw (as you apparently intended, based on the next panel) it would be a better visual – though I’d take the leg off farther up, just to make it seem more impressive. It won’t be a moving panel if you call it out that way - the sword would just be shown already past the bear’s leg, trailing blood, with motion lines sweeping through the leg to show the sword’s travel.


    Where you do have something resembling a moving panel is the part where Bronwen is looking over her shoulder. While it’s possible to show, it doesn’t make sense. In this frozen moment, the arrow is just impacting the bear’s skull. Yet you have Bronwen in that same frozen moment, not just reacting to it, but having already reasoned out where it came from and turned to glare at the culprit. I’d advise having her giving a startled look to the arrow, in this panel, and add another panel to show her glaring back at the kid. I think that would play better.

    I’m also not sure I believe a little kid could shoot an arrow with enough force to shatter it. I doubt like hell that I could. I’d be more inclined to believe it, if it just bounced off the bear’s head - a few motion lines to show the bounce and a small SFX: BOINK… it’d be cute.


    Caption – I’m one of the last of my tribe.

    SFX (from the sword on wrist impact) - THACK

    SFX (from the bear it’s a scream of agony) – RAAGH!

    Bronwen
    Who the…!

    Rider
    NAYAH!!

    Panel 2
    Looking towards the bear. It has started to topple to its right. It has brought its left paw up to the bloody right stump, balance taking a backseat to agony. The Rider holds on for dear life, panic being all that’s on his minds (he has more than one mind? Coooool.) now. Bronwen is vaulting over the bear, her left hand planted on it’s (possessive, no apostrophe) forehead, as she cartwheels over the gaping jaws. She looks (toward) the reader and the toddlers (o/P) her face stern as she reprimands them.

    Caption – I've been blessed by a goddess, out for revenge…

    Bronwen
    OK! Who fired the arrow!

    So you want to have this woman doing a one-handed cartwheel over a falling bear, while glaring at the toddlers (and the camera), and holding a conversation? I know this is comics, and battlefield discourse is a tradition, but I’m not buying it. Yelling at the kids? Sure. Why not? It doesn’t seem like the time, but whatever. But add to that the fact that she’s not keeping her eyes on the claws and snapping jaws while doing gymnastics over an angry, wounded bear… That’s a little too much for me.


    Panel 3
    Medium panel, looking towards the toddlers. 6 Have backed away leaving a young boy looking guilty as hell , head bowed and his bow held nervously at his little pot belly. Wearing a tunic woven from natural materials and moccasin shoes (a variation of them at least)

    No. This is just silly. There’s a battle to the death going on here. These kids should be hiding behind trees so the dying bear doesn’t roll over them, or cowering in fear. Get the fight over with, and then deal with this stuff after.

    And see… now you want to describe the kid. You should have done it before.


    Panel 4
    Looking towards Bronwen. (at the back of the bear and the rider) She has landed on the back of the bears (apostrophe) massive, (comma) muscular neck. Her sword is at the end of a diagonal killing swept (sweep) through the rider. The rider has recoiled from the blow, (comma) but we can’t see the blow as it’s on his chest, (comma) but we can see the gush of blood. Bronwen looks over her shoulder and we again see the toddlers in the B/G (as in panel 3)

    Y’know what? Forget what I said earlier, about adding a panel, after panel 1, to show Bronwen looking back. Instead, just leave the looking back thing out entirely, until this panel right here. Then move the, “OK! Who fired the arrow!” line to here. Then move the panel where the kids step back to reveal the shooter, to right after this one. Do that, and your sequence & interactions will make sense.

    Caption - And a single mother…

    Caption - Of 7!!!!

    The way you’ve written this, it sounds like she was blessed by a single mother of seven (You should spell “seven” out, btw).

    Bronwen
    TAL JAMES! I should’ve known. (Following up on what I said above, move this line to the next page.)


    Page 3

    Panel 1
    Looking at Tal from behind (his) back (extreme F/G) on the left of the panel. He screws the toes of his right foot into the dirt. Nervous about the telling off that’s to come.

    In the B/G (nad (and) filling the right side of the panel), Bronwen is leaping of (off) the bears (apostrophe) head. One foot planted solidly as she powers herself into the air.

    Tal
    I’m sorry, (comma) Miss…

    Bronwen
    TAL JAMES! I should’ve known.

    Is she leaping? Or is she about to leap? If her foot is planted solidly, she’s not leaping. If she’s not leaping, she’ll probably look like she’s practicing a ballet step on the bear’s head. So get her in the air.

    And I’m not sold on your viewpoint for this. Tal is the one being expressive (nervous, digging his toe in the dirt, etc), yet you have his back to us. I think you should rethink these a bit. Maybe have panel 1 be a front view of Tal digging his toe in the dirt and looking nervous, have panel 2 be Bronwen leaping off the falling bear (could be from the same view, just pulled back, so we’re seeing Bronwen from behind and Tal looking small in the background), and have panel three be Bronwen landing in front of him, with the viewpoint turned so we can now see Bronwen’s expression.


    Panel 2
    As above except that Bronwen is no longer in shot. Tal is still in extreme F/G and in the B/G the bear is falling to the floor. Succumbing to its wound.

    Who built a floor in the woods?

    Tal
    I wuz only tryin’ to help.

    Panel 3
    As above but having pulled out slightly. Bronwen has landed in a crouch in front of Tal. He (Her) eyes focused on the boy, her face passive.

    Bronwen
    Thank you… But I told you too stay back.

    Tal
    But....

    Bronwen
    What if you'd hit me? (question mark)

    Caption - Killing Barbarians... If only raising children was as easy!


    Page 4
    Panel 1
    Scene change. Wide/high establishing shot of a Celtic village (circa 43AD), low stone and mud huts, roofs of stone and foliage (hay, grass/moss) mud tracks between the huts. In the centre of the settlement there’s a larger hut, a line of smoke trailing from a hole in the centre of it’s (possessive - no apostrophe) roof. Rickety fences keep a small flock of chickens in place but goats wander the mud tracks as do the people. It’s a grey day. Storms are coming, literally and figuratively 

    Caption – 3 Months earlier, Verulamium, Capitol of the Catuvellauni tribe.

    Panel 2
    Pull in closer and we see Bronwen running through the muddy “street” . She’s a different girl to how we met her. Her Celtic battle dress is missing and she wears a plain and rough looking long skirt and tunic. Her face is full of child like joy and innocence. She is chased by the 7 toddlers from the intro. (period) They too are happier and without (the) burden of the next 3 months on their heads.

    Panel 3
    Pull in again looking towards Bronwen (F/G), (comma) a beaming and joyous smile on her face. She is pushed to the right of the panel. Have the angle high enough so that a few of the kids (in the M/G) can be seen. They’re smiling and laughing as they chase her. In the B/G on the left of the panel we can see 3 men sitting, One is in a grand chair, nothing too lavish, these are simple people but it needs to be clear he is of greater importance A back to the chair with a sheep’s skull on it will do.. (you only need one period) On his left is Arwel (Bronwen’s father), to his right Emyr (War Councilor, a strong and battle worn looking man. A scar running diagonally across his face)) Both he and Arwel are sat on stools (to further show that Caradog is a person of importance. The man in the centre is Caradog, chieftain of the Catuvellauni tribe.

    In panel 1 you mention the larger hut – I assume that’s Caradog’s place (or a community meeting place) where the three men are later sitting, yet you don’t mention that it’s that hut they’re sitting in front of. Maybe it’s not that hut, but it seems like it ought to be, so you need to clarify that.

    You’ve also left me wondering how big this village is supposed to be and whether we’re supposed to see, in the establishing shot, any of the people who later appear. Since you’re starting out with a high angle shot, and then talking about “pulling in” rather than changing viewpoints, I would think they should be visible from the start.


    Then, for the next two panels, you’ve used the same viewpoint and pulled in again, but when you do, new people appear out of nowhere. Caradog and company should at least be visible in panel 2, behind Bronwen and the kids. And if you don’t want them visible in panel one, I think you need to think about noting some change in viewpoints.

    You described Emyr (though he could use some more detail), but what about Arwel and Caradog? What do they look like? How old are they? How are they dressed?


    Caradog
    Bronwen is good with the children

    Arwel
    She is, my lord. She has a gentle way… like her mother.


    Page 5
    Panel 1
    Pull in on the two men, Caradog placing a hand on Arwel’s shoulder.
    Arwel looks to his daughter (O/P)

    If she’s off panel, we can’t tell where he’s looking. The best you can do is have him looking in the same direction Bronwen was headed on the last page.

    Caradog
    She was a good woman. My wife misses their walks.
    I’d go with “Her mother was…” just to clarify which “she” you’re talking about.

    Arwel
    As do I. But the Morrigan has plans for women that we are not privy too. She is at peace.

    Plans for women? Unless I’m misremebering my Celtic mythology, wasn’t the Morrigan a goddess of war and fate? I’d imagine her having plans for everybody. I guess it really doesn't matter. It just struck me as odd.


    Panel 2
    As above. Both men reflecting on the loss of Arwel’s wife.

    Panel 3
    Pull out again, to show the three men. Caradog has his head bowed slightly, forearms resting on his thighs. The men flanking him sit rigid.

    Caradog
    Emyr has received word from across the seas of an army heading this way.

    Emyr
    These Ro-mans have swept across the known world, bringing peace to the so-called (you need to hyphenate that) savages.

    Why not just spell Romans properly? I get what you’re trying to do, but it just comes off looking weird and awkward to me.

    Panel 4
    Close up of Emyr, his war ravaged face looks worried.

    Emyr
    They’ve destroyed all who’ve stood against them.

    Panel 5
    Pull out and show Caradog looking at Emyr. His posture shows that he is surprised at how little time they have to prepare.

    Emyr
    My scouts say they will be here in 2 days. (spell out “two” – it’ll look better)

    That’s some pretty heavy news to bring up during an idle chat. Seems like the sort of thing he should have brought to the chief, at a dead run, as soon as his scouts reported it. To break the news in a believable way, I’d say have Caradog and Arwel chatting about Browen, then have Emyr run up to them with the news of the invading army two days away.

    On top of my having trouble believing the way you’re delivering your news, I also think your story is starting to drag a bit over those last two pages. You’re using more real estate to tell that part of the story than I would, but I think it’s mostly the lack of activity over most of the scene (just three guys sitting and chatting) and the far too casual delivery of the important news. I think you could cut it down by a few panels without hurting anything, if you wanted to, but just livening things up should help.


    You’re usually not too bad at dialogue, but the lines for the village elders were pretty awful. You need to decide whether your characters are going to talk like everyday, modern folks (like Bronwen in her narration), or in stilted, formal sentences (like Caradog and company). I’d much rather see the former. It may be anachronistic (though probably no more so than anything else we could read), but it’ll go down a lot easier.

    I didn’t mind the first-person narration, but you need to decide if you’re going to do it or not. You did it in the opening scene, but then didn’t keep it up.


    You’ve still got some proofreading issues. You’ve improved over what I’ve seen on some other occasions, but it’s still a little rocky in places. And I know your spellchecker would have caught some of those errors. Just stay alert and keep working at it.

    I think your biggest problem with this one was your story logic breaking down. There’s stuff happening that just doesn’t make sense. You need to stop and ask yourself… Are kids really going to be standing quietly in a row to rat someone out, when a bear and a spear-chucking barbarian are attacking their foster Mom? Is Bronwen really going to try and discipline a meddlesome child in the middle of a battle? Are village elders really going to sit calmly, chatting about the army that is, “oh, by the way,” two days away? The story has to have logic and the things people do in the story have to make sense, otherwise it all falls apart. Fortunately all those problems (at least so far) are easy to fix.

    One thing that makes me curious... If the invading Romans are the threat (as the scene in the village suggests), why is Browen fighting (what I assume is) either a Pict or another Celt? In Germany? Perhaps this will be explained later.

    This needs a bit of work, but it looks like it could be a fun story.

    So what do the rest of you think?



  2. BarriLang Guest

    Ok so Iexpected that (and I feel deeply ashamed for some of the things I've missed )

    "Both Bear and man work as one to try and stop their attacker." was me being "flowery" and using to many words to say the "The Man and Bear attck her" (plus I need to say how they are I guess.

    Page 1
    Panel 2, shoudl have read "Viewing the above panel from a reverse angle" DOH! (hopefully that explains why we see the bears back in this panel (as we were looking at it head on in the last one)

    Toddler (to me) is about 4-6 (though younger makes sense as to toddle is an uncoordinated walk... like the younger age yiu've suggested)

    "ARGHH" was trying to show her throwing all she had into her swing.. (never been good at the sounds people make).

    I was hoping that the telling off of the kids and the kids being a bit brazen would show the gulf between them here and the (as of yet unwritten) before all this started. I also wanted to show her as being a bit overly cocky and confident (like Spideys quips).

    All in all it's a bit of a mess that I can now fix thanks to Calvin and whomever else has some advice, comments.

    I love TPG. I hope it never goes.



  3. StevenForbes Guest

    Hey, Calvin, if you send me this script, I'll do it up RIGHT NOW and post it.

    It'll be a two-fer!



  4. BarriLang Guest

    COR! You're just itching to tear this appart aren't you

    Trust me to send in my worst work the week you decide to have a go



  5. StevenForbes Guest

    Well, I DID say that I'd make comments on the next script that isn't mine. Yours is it.

    If you send it to me, Barri, I'll do it up now and put it up.



  6. CalvinCamp Guest

    Two full takes, from different viewpoints, on the same script.

    This should be interesting to see.



  7. CalvinCamp Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by BarriLang View Post
    "Both Bear and man work as one to try and stop their attacker." was me being "flowery" and using to many words to say the "The Man and Bear attck her" (plus I need to say how they are I guess.
    I'm fine with flowery. I just wasn't sure what you were picturing, whether it meant something more than, "they both attack her."

    Page 1
    Panel 2, shoudl have read "Viewing the above panel from a reverse angle" DOH! (hopefully that explains why we see the bears back in this panel (as we were looking at it head on in the last one)
    I had no problem with seeing the bear's back. I was wondering why that was all we saw. It seemed like there should be a bear's head in that shot too, probably doing something like trying to bite Bronwen.

    Toddler (to me) is about 4-6 (though younger makes sense as to toddle is an uncoordinated walk... like the younger age yiu've suggested)
    Yeah, I could see 4-6. But I'm still seeing a toy bow that would be hard put to throw an arrow very far, much less shatter one. I mean, what kind of draw could a six-year-old's bow have? 5 pounds, maybe?

    "ARGHH" was trying to show her throwing all she had into her swing.. (never been good at the sounds people make).
    Okay. I'll buy that. So I'll suggest that if you skip the "calm" aspect of the description and go with a physical description that also evokes the effort (furrowed brow, narrowed eyes, a grimace of effort - something like that), it would help pull the image and the "Argh" together.

    I was hoping that the telling off of the kids and the kids being a bit brazen would show the gulf between them here and the (as of yet unwritten) before all this started. I also wanted to show her as being a bit overly cocky and confident (like Spideys quips).
    I think she comes off pretty cocky, just with what she's doing (the gymnastic, turning her back on the bear before it hits the ground, etc). I also think you could have her looking back and yelling at the kids before the battle is quite finished - I just think it was a little much for that one particular shot. Hit the bear and then look back... no problem. And I could see the kids being brazen to Browen, after the bear is down. You could do that just by making Tal act a little less humbled when she yells at him. And Tal seems pretty brazen just shooting his toy arrow at the bear.

    Maybe I made it sound worse than it is, with my comments. I think what you're doing is fine. It just needs a little tweaking, and I wanted to draw your attention to where I thought it could use the tweaks.

    I love TPG. I hope it never goes.
    Well, I'm not planning on going anywhere soon. So as long as the scripts keep coming in, it should be around awhile yet.

    As long as the scripts keep coming in, guys. There are two in the queue right now.



  8. StevenForbes Guest

    Hey, folks! Guess who's back for a visit!

    I said in the last TPG that I'd make comments on the next script that wasn't mine. I thought I had a week! Anyway, it's here.

    We've got Barri Lang again as our Brave One. He's already been through Calvin. Let's see what I found.

    Page 1
    Panel 1
    We’re in a woodland clearing, Britain 44 AD. Sparse tree trunks and low hanging branches are in the panel, on the ground are small flowers and grasses. It’s a bright afternoon and the sun cascades between the pine trees.

    The shot is looking towards a man (M/G) covered in a pattern of blue body paint, riding a bear as if it were a horse, saddle and all. He holds a spear high. Both Bear and man work as one to try and stop their attacker.

    Viewing Bronwen (F/G) from behind we see Bronwen. A slim young girl clad in Celtic battle dress. She needs to be free to move and fight. Nothing gratuitous, think Kiera Knightley in Arthur. Golden hair is braided. It is long, having never been cut. When standing it would be to her bum.

    She leaps through the air. A giant long sword is clasped in her small hands. Her hands are above her head the sword over her back as she gives it a full swing. Body arched as her body prepares to release the coiled energy within it. (Oh, WOW, Barri? Where do I begin? First, this is too lengthy by far. The character descriptions aren’t that necessary, because you’ll more than likely go over them with any artist that picks this up. So, after muddling through this, we have a chick in a Knightly battle-dress, with small hands holding a large sword, in the air, chopping at a guy riding a bear. He might as well be He-Man riding Battle Bear. With this also being a silent panel, you’re wasting an opportunity to start telling the story. I thought you knew better than that. And why a shot of her ass? That’s basically what we have. Sure, it’s a female ass, but starting with it tells me that this book is going to be cheesecake. It would be more interesting from a side view, or maybe a ¾ worm’s eye view from He-Man’s side. As you have it now, this isn’t an interesting panel.)

    SFX (From the bear) - REEOOOORRRGHHH

    Panel 2
    Viewing above the above panel from a reverse angle. The Bear’s back F/G, Bronwen M/G. In the B/G we can see a small group of 7 toddlers. 5 huddle together while 1 looks on longing to get into the fight and the last has his bow drawn an arrow ready to fly. (Toddlers. In the US, toddlers are from 1-5 or so. Somewhere around there. Now, this small group of children: what are their sexes? What do they look like? You don’t say, and you don’t give the artist any direction that says it’s their discretion. Now, as to this bow & arrow thing… Kids aren’t that strong. If it’s a real weapon, the boy’s not going to have the strength to knock the arrow. Have YOU ever knocked an arrow? There’s a reason Hawkeye has largely muscled arms…besides being a superhero. You need to be strong. This isn’t good. And that’s just the kids. What’s Bronwen doing now? Last panel, she was leaping and chopping. Now she’s just in mid-air? Hovering? Doing nothing? What happened to the action that was going on? If we can see the bear’s back, where’s the guy? What’s he doing? Picking his nose with the spear? Does he also have a magic helmet? Has he pulled a disappearing act? Are they no longer fighting? This, Barri, is REALLY bad.)

    Panel 3
    Pull in close to Bronwen (try and fir the bear paw in extreme F/G). Her eyes calm and focused on the bear. Over her left shoulder an arrow is about to pass her head. (Where is she? Has she landed? Is she in a fighting stance? Did her swipe miss? What?)

    Bronwen
    ARGH! (Yep. I always yell I pain when I’m staring down a bear and its rider.)

    Caption – That’s me. Regular “warrior princess” ain’t I. (This should have been in the first panel. The sooner you set up the expectation of internal monologue, the sooner the reader can get into the story. Here we’re three panels in, about to turn the page, and you decide to have someone talk. No good.)


    Page 2
    Panel 1
    The bear roars in pain as Bronwen has brought her sword onto its right wrist. Blood spurting from the wound. She looks to the toddlers (O/P over her left shoulder) annoyance on her face. The arrow has hit the bear in the forehead but is shattering on the solid skull. The rider’s face a mixture of fear and despair. This bear would have taken time to train, a bond will have been built so he’s going to feel a great deal of loos as it is hurt/killed. (Your spelling and grammar are reverting. Don’t go backwards on me just because I’m no longer doing a lot of posting! You owe yourself to be better than that! Now, this panel doesn’t work. It’s actually apropos of nothing. It doesn’t flow with anything that happened before, because you failed to properly describe anyone’s actions or placement in the previous two panels. What I want to know is: what’s the path of the arrow? If she jumped up to fight, and IF she’s still in the air, why would the arrow sail by her head? Does that make sense to anyone? Adam, you’re up! As for the last sentence…It doesn’t need to be there, there’s no way to fit it in the script, but I wouldn’t necessarily make you cut it. What I WOULD make you do is clarify the previous two panels in order to have this panel make sense. And who turns their head to look at children during a sword fight with a bear? P2, and you’re going down the drain when it comes to making sense…)

    Caption – I’m one of the last of my tribe.

    SFX (from the sword on wrist impact) - THACK

    SFX (from the bear it’s a scream of agony) – RAAGH!

    Bronwen
    Who the…!

    Rider
    NAYAH!!

    Panel 2
    Looking towards the bear. It has started to topple to its right. It has brought its left paw up to the bloody right stump, balance taking a backseat to agony. The Rider holds on for dear life, panic being all that’s on his minds now. Bronwen is vaulting over the bear, her left hand planted on it’s forehead, as she cartwheels over the gaping jaws. She looks the reader and the toddlers (o/P) her face stern as she reprimands them. (Barri. Know the difference between a vault, a foot planted in the face, and a cartwheel? Three separate actions, which could have been fine if you said that she was being “ghosted” like the Flash regularly is. But you didn’t, which makes this a moving panel. As for He-Man…yeah, he’s really a challenge for her, I see. This isn’t holding my attention, Barri.)

    Caption – I've been blessed by a goddess, out for revenge… (Who’s out for revenge? The goddess? Bronwen the Unnamed? The bear, because it’s just been de-pawed? He-Man, because he just got punked? It may be me that’s out for revenge. I don’t know, and you haven’t made it clear. Your typos and sentence structure is going downhill, making things interesting to parse.)

    Bronwen
    OK! Who fired the arrow! (Because I always ask that during a seeming fight for life with children present. Even Batman’s not THIS bad. At least his charges were all teenagers.)

    Panel 3
    Medium panel, looking towards the toddlers. 6 Have backed away leaving a young boy looking guilty as hell , head bowed and his bow held nervously at his little pot belly. Wearing a tunic woven from natural materials and moccasin shoes (a variation of them at least) (I’m not even going to go through and fix all your punctuation and spelling mistakes. I’ll be here all day if I did. Instead, I’m going to wonder why she’s basically talking to/reprimanding kids during a fight. It’s P2, I’m near the end, and out for revenge…)

    Panel 4
    Looking towards Bronwen. (at the back of the bear and the rider) She has landed on the back of the bears massive muscular neck. Her sword is at the end of a diagonal killing swept through the rider. The rider has recoiled from the blow but we can’t see the blow as it’s on his chest but we can see the gush of blood. Bronwen looks over her shoulder and we again see the toddlers in the B/G (as in panel 3) (No. I think I may need a tissue. I’m definitely going to need to wash my hands after having to type through this. They feel dirty. Why? Because this is crap. She’s fighting a guy on a bear, but she’s not looking at them. She’s looking at what we’ve now been informed are her children. I think my head exploded.)

    Caption - And a single mother…

    Caption - Of 7!!!! (Condoms weren’t invented, but unless she’s just damned fertile, it’s called “easing,” or at least counting when she’s be less likely to come down with a case of “pregnant again.” Do they all have different fathers? Don’t know. Why? Because you never bothered to describe how the kids look. Kudos!)

    Bronwen
    TAL JAMES! I should’ve known. (If she MUST say this, then it should be shoved up into the previous panel. It fits there. However, these pages need to be totally reworked into something approaching reasonable, anyway, and when that happens, I don’t expect to see a mother talking to and looking at her kids while fighting He-Man holding the Spear of Ineffectualness.)

    Page 3
    Panel 1
    Looking at Tal from behind back (extreme F/G) on the left of the panel. He screws the toes of his right foot into the dirt. Nervous about the telling off that’s to come. (This panel may work from a worm’s eye view. If you switched around the panels on P2 in order to lead here, you could have him with his hands behind his back, holding the bow like he’s trying to hide it, his toe digging in the dirt as he looks guiltily away in one panel, and then the worm’s eye view in this one. That’s what could be done to logically tie one page to another. Hell, it could tie one panel to another.)

    In the B/G (nad filling the right side of the panel), Bronwen is leaping of the bears head. One foot planted solidly as she powers herself into the air. (Is she in the air, or is she about to leap? You can’t have it both ways.)

    Tal (quietly)
    I’m sorry Miss… (Is this supposed to be his mother, or someone else? If she’s supposed to be his mother, why is he calling her “miss”? Or is this a UK thing?)

    Panel 2
    As above except that Bronwen is no longer in shot. Tal is still in extreme F/G and in the B/G the bear is falling to the floor. Succumbing to its wound. (We’ve gone over this “floor” thing once before. Floors are inside of buildings. Ground is outside. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is the bear, falling over dead because of a cut-off paw. I seriously doubt that would happen. Then again, we abandoned logic and reason somewhere on P1.)

    Tal
    I wuz only tryin’ to help.

    Panel 3
    As above but having pulled out slightly. Bronwen has landed in a crouch in front of Tal. He eyes focused on the boy, her face passive. (Here we are, panel 3 of P3, and we haven’t gotten ANYONE’s name. The kid’s, sure, but is he going to be important? Dunno. And right now, don’t care. Your spelling and punctuation are killing me.)

    Bronwen
    Thank you… But I told you too stay back. (There’s a difference between to, two, and too. Learn them.)

    Tal
    But....

    Bronwen
    NO buts… What if you'd hit me. (What about correct punctuation? And what does she mean, no buts? She was just showing her ass all over the place.)

    Caption - Killing Barbarians... If only raising children was as easy! (Oh, is THAT why she killed He-Man? Because he was a barbarian? That’s the reason? Is he in her territory? Is he doing anything to provoke her? Did he slap her around a bit? Don’t know. Can’t ask him ‘cause he’s dead. She kildeded him real good on the back of the bear, which suffered cardiac arrest from a missing monkey’s paw. Maybe I’m getting as loopy as this story… Anyway, the only thing that made this page turn worthwhile was the caption. The caption that tries to say that raising kids is tougher than killing barbarians, but doesn’t do enough to bring that across because Unnamed Girl hasn’t said much of anything in these three pages, let alone something truly worthwhile that reveals character or moves the story forward. Seems like those lessons went right out the widow. If she protested more, if the kids did something as a whole to rate the comment, AND if they were all walking away, then I could see the last line working. As it is, it was born and raised in Weaksville.)


    Page 4
    Panel 1
    Scene change. Wide/high establishing shot of a Celtic village (circa 43AD), low stone and mud huts, roofs of stone and foliage (hay, grass/moss) mud tracks between the huts. In the centre of the settlement there’s a larger hut, a line of smoke trailing from a hole in the centre of it’s roof. Rickety fences keep a small flock of chickens in place but goats wander the mud tracks as do the people. (Time of day? Time of year? We’ve got mud…I take it it’s just rained? Because you didn’t say so, I’m saying it’s extremely early spring, at night. Your job: prove me wrong.)

    Caption – 3 Months earlier, Verulamium, Capitol of the Catuvellauni tribe. (The tribe is large enough to have a town and capitol? Really?)

    Panel 2
    Pull in closer and we see Bronwen running through the muddy “street” . She’s a different girl to how we met her. Her Celtic battle dress is missing and she wears a plain and rough looking long skirt and tunic. Her face is full of child like joy and inocence. She is chased by the 7 toddlers from the intro they too are happier and without burden of the next 3 months on their heads. (How about some punctuation. Okay, why don’t we see her and the kids running after her in the previous panel? And why is it that you are steadfastly refusing to tell anything concerning the story? This is now P4, and I still have absolutely no idea as to what’s going on. Barbarian killing is the rage, birth control hasn’t been thought of, and any reader has already put this book back on the shelf, and has asked the shop owner for their money back. That’s right. They’re asking for refunds on something they didn’t buy.)

    Panel 3
    Pull in again looking towards Bronwen (F/G) a beaming and joyous smile on her face. She is pushed to the right of the panel. Have the angle high enough so that a few of the kids (in the M/G) can be seen. They’re smiling and laughing as they chase her. In the B/G on the left of the panel we can see 3 men sitting, One is in a grand chair, nothing lavish, these are simple people but it needs to be clear he is of greater importance. On his left is Arwel (Bronwen’s father), to his right Emyr (War Councilor, a strong and battle worn looking man. A scar running diagonally across his face)) and the man in the centre is Caradog, chieftain of the Catuvellauni tribe. (I still have no idea whatsoever of where these guys are supposed to be sitting. Where are these chairs located? I’m putting them on a roof. They’re on a roof, looking down on the tableau below. At night. Hey! Those kids should probably be in bed!)

    Caradog
    Your daughter is good with the children

    Arwel
    She is, my lord. She has a gentle way… like her mother. (Finally! Dialogue that makes sense!)

    Page 5
    Panel 1
    Pull in on the two men, Caradog placing a hand on Arwel’s shoulder.
    Arwel looks to his daughter (O/P) (Punctuation. And you should be just a touch clearer in saying that Unnamed Girlie is OP, and not her father. Now, my only concern is them falling from the roof. It’s gotta be precarious up there. Too much movement could send them for a tumble.)

    Caradog
    She was a good woman. My wife misses their walks. (I think you put the emphasis here incorrectly. I wouldn’t emphasize anything. Let the reader do it for themselves. You don’t have to stress that the woman’s dead.)

    Arwel
    As do I. But the Morrigan has plans for women that we are not privy too. She is at peace. (You, the husband, miss the walks your wife had with your friend’s wife? Because that’s what you just said. You have to know what you’re saying, Barri.)

    Panel 2
    As above. Both men reflecting on the loss of Arwel’s wife. (PLEASE, I beg of you, tell me why this panel is supposed to be interesting. It’s not even a good beat.)

    Panel 3
    Pull out again, to show the three men. Caradog has his head bowed slightly, forearms resting on his thighs. The men flanking him sit rigid.

    Caradog
    Emyr has received word from across the seas of an army heading this way.

    Emyr
    These Ro-mans have swept across the known world, bringing peace to the so called savages. (You thought you slipped a name in there, don’t you? Well, you didn’t. The reader doesn’t have any idea who any of these people are. They’re just Three Men On A Roof.)

    Panel 4
    Close up of Emyr.

    Emyr
    Their army is greater than any seen before. (Why does this line require a close-up of the speaker? I see nothing of importance with it. It’s just a line. Nothing earth-shattering or even feather moving about it.)

    Panel 5
    Pull out and show Caradog looking at Emyr. His posture shows that he is surprised at how little time they have to prepare.

    Emyr
    My scouts say they will be here in 2 days. (Oh! NOW we get that this is Emyr. It only took two more panels.)

    And that’s where I’m going to stop. The next page is another scene change, but it’s only one page worth. Let’s run this down.

    This, Barri, is crap. If you didn’t know it before you sent it, you know it now.

    Your panel descriptions are either rambling, impossible, or boring, not to mention nonsensical. You have disappearing leaps, looking at children while killing bears by depawing them, or panels that just don’t flow together to form a complete action.

    You name exacly two characters out of twelve. Of the seven kids, Unnamed Girl, He-Man, and the Three Roof Men, you name a kid and a Roof Man in a place where a reader can see it. Good going! I always name the unimportant ones and leave the main characters for issue two, myself…

    From a storytelling point of view, this story made no sense whatsoever. What was the point of killing He-Man, except to show a Knightly-like ass? To say she can’t keep her legs shut? And seven kids? Are they all hers? Did she have twins or triplets? Because the oldest should be maybe six or seven, if they’re all hers and she had them individually. I’d say that six or seven is no longer a toddler. Anyway, I really want to know what this was supposed to accomplish.

    So, we get that the first scene is nonsensical. Let’s look at the second scene. Again, the panel descriptions are weak and nonsensical, and the conversation, such as it is, is somewhat more focused, but not by much. The thing that gets me is why did they wait until they were together and calmly overlooking the town before having the news sprung that they had two days to prepare for war? It’s like your wife coming up to you and saying she’s going to have a baby in two days…and it’s not yours. See how that goes over? The same way this does.

    Since we’re talking about the dialogue…It needs to be ripped out wholesale and replaced. You had some narration in the beginning, and then it totally went away. (Probably went to go find some sense and sensibility as to the action that was happening…) The people here barely speak, leaving you a metric ton of space to actually do your job and tell the story. You didn’t do it, and so, it’s a criminal waste of space. Some worthwhile dialogue would have made this not as bad as it was.

    Your spelling and punctuation are horrible. This is a definite reversion, and I’m disappointed to see it. I’m disappointed in this entire script, to be honest. There isn’t a thing here that’s worth taking the time to polish, let alone publish.

    Give this the thrice over. Then do it again. Rethink it from the ground up. Have it be a story that actually makes sense. Then you may have something to work with. Right now, I’m two scenes in, and I not only have absolutely no idea what the story is about, as a reader, I zero interest in finding out.


    Okay. That’s it for me. Thanks, Calvin. We’ll have to do this more often, methinks.



  9. jamesfairlie Guest

    I plan on looking at this a bit more closely later on, but on first readin I have one niggle - if she has 7 children from the village with her then she's not the last of her tribe

    Overall I found it quite fun, but the descriptions could often be quite confusing.

    I'll hopefully be back later with more comments.



  10. JohnLees Guest

    I think Calvin and Steve covered this pretty thoroughly, but I'll throw in a couple of comments. I can't say I was too keen on this, Barri. I think you've done some quality work before that I enjoyed reading, but this just wasn't as good.

    I think your panel descriptions were a bit over-complicated and confusing, to the point where I barely knew what was going on in what was, once I slowed down and reread it, actually a fairly straightforward scene. The problem, I believe, was that you had too much going on - introduce the character, having her in a fight scene, oh and wait there's kids here too I'm intrtoducing, and they're actually HER kids, and did I mention they're doing stuff too? - and because so much was going on at once, no one element really had much of an impact on me.

    And this may be more of a niggly complaint, and some might argue its not even necessary for a comic script (which, essentially, is notes for the artist rather than a story in itself). But I didn't really feel much of an unfolding narrative with reading the script, but rather like you were more interested in just describing in detail the technical layout of a series of images, in so much detail that, going through it, it became an almost exhaustive, fractured read. This may be nonsense I'm spouting here, and I can't really vocalise what I'm getting at here, but perhaps Calvin or Steve can explain it better, if they got the same feeling.

    I hope the negative feedback isn't too disheartening. The very fact that I was expecting something better should tell you that you're an ever-improving writer capable of writing stronger material than this. I look forward to seeing what you come up with next!



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