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Thread: TPG: Week 46 - Barri Lang

  1. CalvinCamp Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by StevenForbes View Post
    Thanks, Calvin. We’ll have to do this more often, methinks.
    Yeah. That was fun. And informative.

    I was heartened to see that we hit many of the same points in our crits, but somewhat appalled at a few of the things I missed. And I think you've convinced me that I'm being entirely too nice. I'll have to see what I can do about that in the future.

    But just one question (for whoever)... Am I the only one who got the immediate impression that Bronwen is the kids' foster mother?

  2. harryd Guest

    Nice to see you're working on more ideas Barri, and that Steven still has the itch to edit. Between Steven and Calvin, I think all the glaring errors were probably brought to light with the pages posted. Keep on working at it Barri, and don't forget to run the spellchecker one more time before sending it over to Calvin!

  3. StevenForbes Guest

    Too nice, Calvin?

    Is this the same man that basically accused me of being a drama queen?


  4. BarriLang Guest

    Me thinks I need to run spell checker a few times and then re read. I totally need to hammer home the self editing for myself. I typed this up in a few minutes and then juped around fixing things I saw. I should have sat down and read it a few times.

    I was trying to have a flash forwards at the start for some bonkers action and then cut back and show her playing with these kids and being totally oposite of the warrior from the 1st scene and then show how she gets there (which is here against a scout in part 3) by which time they're all a little battle hardened. (and she is their foster mother too)

    The reason this guy is not your typical Roman is that a few tribes from their campaing have been drafted in to help the war effort.

    And don't sweat missing some of the things Steve picked up. I think I sent Steve a "self editied" version of it.

    Ok chaps. I'm off to think about how to approach this (been in my little "to do book" for a couple of years now)

    Thanks to everyone who's chipped in on this. And good work an ya'll for the edits, crits and advice.

    I might re-post it after a bit (a lot) of work

    Two script queue!!! Come on peeps. Lets keep this thing alive! I'll work on my next 5 pages for you ASAP

  5. CalvinCamp Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by StevenForbes View Post
    Too nice, Calvin?

    Is this the same man that basically accused me of being a drama queen?

    It's not the drama I'm worried about. It's the things I let slip past me. When I miss basic things like time of day and naming characters... I'm obviously not looking hard enough for things to tear apart. So I need to get tougher.

  6. StevenForbes Guest

    Check your e-mail.

  7. CalvinCamp Guest

    Got it, Steven. Thanks.

  8. danialworks Guest

    Hookay. I see where Calvin's blood on the floor coment over in Comic's Pro Prep came from-- although it is facinating to see two entirely different editorial approaches here. So I won't say anything about script writing. But I am going to ask what kind of a world you're trying to build here. A teenage surrogate mother is killing a guy riding a bear in front of her seven surrogate children. Did he threaten the kids? Is there a war going on, either between tribes, gods, or both? A guy riding a bear is cool. If guys riding bears are your villians, then you've just wasted their introduction in a fight Steve Ditko could not have drawn. You've also taken the guy riding the bear and had him and the bear put down by a girl who I think turns out to have goddess given uber-Daredevil moves, Xena on speed. Oh, and people like bears. If the police or rangers shoot a bear that wanders into a city with shot guns instead of dart guns, there tends to be an outcry. Since bear-riding creates a fantasy element anyway, this bear needs to be more of a monster, or a unique color, or a furry verlociraptor. Something to keep the audience on your girl's side. Oh, and a toddler is a two-year old. A toddler is just successfully walking for the first time. Three or four maybe. Lose the bow. Use a sling. Seven kids. Six cower, one wants to fight. Storywise, this either makes the kid the main character, or a really big nuissance. How much of a fantasy world is this? Rome is going to drag this invasion out for decades. As for the village scene, I saw nothing to show us who these people really were-- as it seems to me you are about to massacre them. We have to like them for us to really feel their deaths... otherwise they are faceless story fodder, and for that all you have to do is have your heroine remember them strongly enough. We don't need to meet them at all unless we 're expected to care about them for their own sakes.

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