It might. I may give it a try, and see how it goes.(though I still think iambic pentameter would work better )
It seems good in theory, but that would make it really hard to set up a conversation - unless I just stick Jake's dialogue into the middle of Shadowdancer's stanza. I'd end up with something like...One thought I had was that you could shuffle the dialogue around a bit to allow him to speak in whole stanzas, rather than couplets, so instead of his first few lines here he could say something along the lines of
Enjoy your drink, my welcome friend
and sit with me a while
I'll not partake this fine day's end
liquor's not my style
(as you can see, there's no danger of me doing it "too well" )
I don't know how you feel about that, but it would solve what I think the main problem is, which is that he often uses a lot of words to say very little, in order to get two full lines of verse.
Jake: Hiya, 'Dancer.
SD: Good evening, Jake, my welcome friend. Come and sit with me a bit.
Jake: Gonna be a cold night. Care for a snort?
SD: You should save the spirits for yourself. They'll affect me not a whit.
I dunno... Seems odd. But it might be worth a try.
Thanks.Also, I like how Shadowdancer is looking.