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Thread: TPG: Week 54 - Calvin Camp (free-for-all)

  1. jamesfairlie Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by CalvinCamp View Post
    Well, that's three votes against the rhyming. I may try (again) rewriting it without the rhymes, but I don't know if Shadowdancer will let me.

    Maybe I can at least convince him to save the rhyming for taunting his adversaries and pretend he's half-sane when chatting with friends.
    I don't think you should give up on the rhyming (though I still think iambic pentameter would work better ) One thought I had was that you could shuffle the dialogue around a bit to allow him to speak in whole stanzas, rather than couplets, so instead of his first few lines here he could say something along the lines of

    Enjoy your drink, my welcome friend
    and sit with me a while
    I'll not partake this fine day's end
    liquor's not my style

    (as you can see, there's no danger of me doing it "too well" )
    I don't know how you feel about that, but it would solve what I think the main problem is, which is that he often uses a lot of words to say very little, in order to get two full lines of verse.

    Also, I like how Shadowdancer is looking.



  2. CalvinCamp Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by jamesfairlie View Post
    I don't think you should give up on the rhyming
    Even though it makes you cringe?

    (though I still think iambic pentameter would work better )
    It might. I may give it a try, and see how it goes.

    One thought I had was that you could shuffle the dialogue around a bit to allow him to speak in whole stanzas, rather than couplets, so instead of his first few lines here he could say something along the lines of

    Enjoy your drink, my welcome friend
    and sit with me a while
    I'll not partake this fine day's end
    liquor's not my style

    (as you can see, there's no danger of me doing it "too well" )
    I don't know how you feel about that, but it would solve what I think the main problem is, which is that he often uses a lot of words to say very little, in order to get two full lines of verse.
    It seems good in theory, but that would make it really hard to set up a conversation - unless I just stick Jake's dialogue into the middle of Shadowdancer's stanza. I'd end up with something like...

    Jake: Hiya, 'Dancer.

    SD: Good evening, Jake, my welcome friend. Come and sit with me a bit.

    Jake: Gonna be a cold night. Care for a snort?

    SD: You should save the spirits for yourself. They'll affect me not a whit.

    I dunno... Seems odd. But it might be worth a try.

    Also, I like how Shadowdancer is looking.
    Thanks.



  3. drgerb Guest

    Yeah, before I go back and answer some of the other stuff, I will say I like the above ideas regarding the rhyming. If you can mask it a bit and change it up some, I think it'll be way more tolerable and more enjoyable. I started working on my rhyming a while back. One of my characters is a black teenage aspiring rapper, and I'm a 26 year old single white guy. Wish me luck nailing the voice.

    But one thing I've been doing is listening to a lot of rap lately. Not the crappy stuff, but the good stuff. Tupac mainly. Some 50 Cent (as much as people don't like him, his raps roll off his lips), the Notorious BIG, some Eminem... And listening to rap, and actually reading out the lyrics really helps you get past that whole jail cell that feeling the NEED to rhyme every other line kinda puts you in.

    One thing rappers do is they rhyme mid sentence. If they do that in two lines in a row, the ending doesn't even have to rhyme and it'll still flow. Then they come back the next line and rhyme the end again. It's insane how much they've got going, some of the good rappers that is.

    I also think conforming to a set style, as in poetry, or rhyming at the end of every line, it really hinders what you can do, and reading it doesn't surprise you at all cause you almost know what's coming. If you switch it up a bit, it'll sound a bit more organic, and it'll flow off the tongue a lot easier. People might not even realize Shadowdancer is struggling to rhyme every line, that instead maybe that's just the natural way he talks. They might not even realize it's rhyming until a few pages in. And I think that takes the eyes off of when you don't TOTALLY nail the poetry. Anyway... My two cents. May or may not work. Just something to ponder.



  4. CalvinCamp Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by drgerb View Post
    maybe that's just the natural way he talks.
    Ideally, that's what I'd like to be able to get across. If it's possible, I would like it feel like his normal speech pattern (but something he can "switch off" for a line to make a point, or be startled out of on occasion).

    I hadn't thought about it before, but breaking his stanzas up over a conversation (with someone else's non-rhyming lines interspersed) really might help give that impression, that he's not trying to rhyme but it just happens. I'll have to see what I can do with it.

    I'm glad John suggested I post something. It's funny that none of this came up on the last Shadowdancer script, but I'm glad it did this time. It's really helping refine an important aspect of the whole series. S'cool!



  5. CalvinCamp Guest

    Alright... here's an experiment. Taking a few different things into account, I've condensed things a bit, merging some panels, to turn the first two pages into one. I've broken up (some of) the stanzas over the conversation. And, even though I haven't yet embraced rigid meter, I have tried to even out the "beats" a bit. I also changed Jake's dialogue a little, both to streamline things and to, hopefully, better get across the idea that his drinking is killing him. (And, just for Dayv, I changed "rueful" to "regretful" )

    Let's see if it works any better this way.

    New Page 1 (seven panels)

    Page 1

    Panel 1
    Full width panel (with title "Jake" and credits). Long shot of a boardwalk beside the ocean. There are cast iron benches in front of the protective wood railing, facing out to sea. Throw a couple decorative streetlights in somewhere, for light later. The sun is low in the sky, nearing sunset. The clouds are just beginning to pick up some color. Shadowdancer is sitting on a bench, looking across the water, his feet propped up on the guard railing and hands folded in his lap (you wouldn't know he even knew anyone was there, if he wasn't speaking). Jake is walking, with a shuffling gait, along the boardwalk toward Shadowdancer, hands in the pockets of his overcoat.

    Shadowdancer:
    Good evening, Jake, my welcome friend. Come and sit with me a bit.

    Panel 2
    Jake is lowering himself onto the bench - he's partway to a sitting position, his hands braced on the seat and an armrest to take the strain off his arthritic knees. Shadowdancer looks over at him, grinning. Jake is smiling also, his eyes crinkling almost shut in his wrinkled face.

    Jake:
    Hiya, 'Dancer.

    Gonna be a cold night. Care for a snort?

    Panel 3
    Jake is pulling a whiskey bottle out of his coat pocket, as Shadowdancer gazes out at the sea.

    Shadowdancer:
    You should save the spirits for yourself. They'll affect me not a whit.

    Jake:
    Eh, that's right. Still a pure shame.

    Panel 4
    The old man looks at the contents at his half-raised whiskey bottle, a regretful smile on his face. Shadowdancer is still facing, waiting for the sunset, but his eyes are glancing toward Jake.

    Jake:
    Whiskey is one of life's small comforts. And what good is a life without those?

    'Course the docs warned me it'd kill me. But, if I've gotta die of somethin' it might as well be somethin' I enjoyed.

    Panel 5
    Medium shot on the two, as Jake tosses back a swallow of his whiskey. Shadowdancer is sitting next to him, head tilted to the side slightly, looking thoughtful.

    Shadowdancer:
    It's a fortunate man who can choose his own fate. I've chosen many, myself...

    but found none, to date.

    Panel 6
    Jake tucks his bottle back in his coat, as he gives Shadowdancer a concerned look, eyes narrowed as he tries to decide if that meant what it sounded like. Shadowdancer is staring at the ocean, smiling wistfully.

    Jake:
    The hereafter comes to everyone, son. Ain't no need to try and rush it.

    Shadowdancer:
    That may well be true, but my reaper's a bit late.

    Jake:
    Son... you ain't makin no kind of sense.

    Panel 7
    Close-up on Shadowdancer's face. His gaze is distant. Though he's still holding onto a faded smile, sorrow is now clear in his expression.

    Shadowdancer:
    After all of the sunsets you've spent by my side, it seems strange I've not told you...

    I've already died.



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