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Thread: Silence Is Golden: a workshop, Part 2

  1. LeeNordling Guest

    Ronald's grade:

    PASS, with a GOLD STAR...

    ...and a caution.

    Panel 1: Outside by the Greyhound bus, a skeevy guy has sidled up to Girl Intense and her leers at her. She's staring the other way, arms crossed.

    Panel 2: Outside at the front doors of the bus station. Big trashcans on both sides of the door overflow with drink cups, dirty diapers, food wrappers, etc. A tired security guard sags against one of the trashcans.

    ***

    These two panels are tangentially similar to the sequential areas of the ballpark, woods with Brits and Native Americans, and the park & running path.

    The artist could even put the doors in panel 2, if it's the kind of bus station near me. Also, they are both, technically "outside the bus station," but I know that's not what's intended.

    That said, this, like the others, intended different locations, so it's a pass.

    Anyway, nice work, Ronald.

    I wonder if playing hasn't become more important than nailing the assignment; it's something for everybody to consider.

    With this week winding down, I'd like some discussion from others: what makes this assignment hard, if anything, for you?

    I think sharing some insight might be good for everybody.

    --Lee
    Last edited by LeeNordling; Saturday, April 10, 2010 at 12:35 PM.



  2. RonaldMontgomery Guest

    Hmm...the caution. That was an intended variation, but you know that. I knew that I was bending the rules. Thanks for letting me slide.

    I'm very guilty of playing with this assignment. I wanted to use uninflected imagery that would be the other to Girl Intense and also enhance the emotional changes in her panels.
    You're a pretty smart writer who would call bullshit on bad writing (as you've done with me in the past). I guess I wanted to see if I could write the assignment with a more implicit intention and have it work.

    (I also make a hypocrite out of myself by telling Roberts last week to work towards the goal of the exercise and nothing more.)

    Girl Intense is my CPP mascot from here on out. Watch out!

    P.S. GETTING AWAY WITH THE POV OF LOOKING DOWN AT THE PHONE HAS ME PUMPED!
    Last edited by RonaldMontgomery; Saturday, April 10, 2010 at 02:45 PM.



  3. LeeNordling Guest

    NOTE TO RONALD:

    "Getting away with" are words that sent a chill through me, not in a good way.

    Panel 5: Outside. We're looking down at the face of Girl Intense's phone as she holds it, the billows of her uniform and her clownish All-Stars in the background. The cellphone display is bright, and it reads NO MESSAGES.

    I studied this panel, and if you'd written an expression on her face, this would've been a FAIL. But I thought, "an artist can draw this," so it passed.

    I don't know what you thought you'd gotten away with, though.

    The previous and following panels were inside, this was outside, and it was drawable.

    NOTE TO EVERYBODY:

    Back to the question, folks: what do you find so difficult about this assignment, if anything?

    Is it the assignment...or is it doing something super-creative with it?

    If the latter, I have a followup question: which do you think will help you really learn this, doing this over and over, simply and well, or doing it once, while creatively pushing the boundaries?

    I'm not being rhetorical; it's a real question.

    --Lee



  4. RonaldMontgomery Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by LeeNordling View Post

    I studied this panel, and if you'd written an expression on her face, this would've been a FAIL. But I thought, "an artist can draw this," so it passed.

    I don't know what you thought you'd gotten away with, though.
    It was tough to write. I'd seen at least one other person try something similar, with a patient waking in an operating room. That's all.

    I'm okay with simple exercises to learn the basics.



  5. danialworks Guest

    Comic book.

    PAGE ONE

    Panel 1.

    The ship sails open water under a friendly sun.

    Panel 2.

    Jason is proud and strong at the wheel.

    Panel 3.

    Below decks, the crew mess. Two sailors gambling with dice, one man clealy winning, one man clearly losing.

    Panel 4.

    The ship cuts through a high crest of water.

    Panel 5.

    Jason at the wheel, soaked and happy to be alive!

    Panel 6.

    The crew mess. The winning sailor's arm has just been grabbed in anger by the losing man.

    PAGE TWO

    Panel 1. Storm clouds over the ship!

    Panel 2.

    At the wheel, Jason looks concerned as the day around him has just gone darker.

    Panel 3.

    The crew mess. The two sailors are fighting!

    Panel 4.

    Storm clouds and high waves all around the ship!

    Panel 5.

    The sailor who had been losing looks guilty. Jason has an admonishing look-- his presence has just ended the fight. The sailor who had been winning at gambling looks apologetic.

    Panel 6.

    The ship sails under a sunny sunny sky again.
    Last edited by danialworks; Saturday, April 10, 2010 at 04:39 PM.



  6. LeeNordling Guest

    Danial's grade:

    FAIL. Too many times, and I suspect Danial's forgotten the parameters of the assignment.

    The second panel is part of the first, which is expressly forbidden in this assignment.

    Panel 4 is a longer shot of panel 3, similarly forbidden.

    Panel 5 is closer from panel 4.

    And that's just page one. Page two has similar mistakes.

    Daniel, so that all is not lost, save this for next week's assignment, where it will make for a good starting place.

    Anyway, please try again for tackling the specifics of this assignment.

    --Lee



  7. danialworks Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by LeeNordling View Post
    Danial's grade:

    FAIL. Too many times, and I suspect Danial's forgotten the parameters of the assignment.

    The second panel is part of the first, which is expressly forbidden in this assignment.

    Panel 4 is a longer shot of panel 3, similarly forbidden.

    Panel 5 is closer from panel 4.

    And that's just page one. Page two has similar mistakes.

    Daniel, so that all is not lost, save this for next week's assignment, where it will make for a good starting place.

    Anyway, please try again for tackling the specifics of this assignment.

    --Lee
    Lee, this time you're seeing camera angles where they are none.

    Is the ship a location when it cuts through the waves? Or is it the focal, even the character in the panel?

    How is an interior description the same as an exterior description?

    My, I'm full of questions today!



  8. LeeNordling Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by danialworks View Post
    Lee, this time you're seeing camera angles where they are none.

    Is the ship a location when it cuts through the waves? Or is it the focal, even the character in the panel?

    How is an interior description the same as an exterior description?

    My, I'm full of questions today!
    Part of the assignment was not to put a location inside a location, or a location outside a location.

    I wasn't referring to camera angles; those were your images.

    Please look back to my original post where I noted my Galaxy-to-child's-room would not pass.

    I suspect allowing any similar locations have muddied the waters of this assignment.

    In my own example, I never stated that the alley was part of the street, thus allowing the reader to make the connection. It's an example nobody's followed, which is fine.

    I probably should have failed the bus station, too, for this reason.

    It's just fascinating to watch how difficult it is for people to not repeat images.

    I suspect this reveals some interesting storytelling gaps...but let's wait and see what other people have to say about what's hard for them about this assignment.

    --Lee
    Last edited by LeeNordling; Saturday, April 10, 2010 at 07:24 PM.



  9. danialworks Guest

    Comic Trim.

    Panel 1.

    Deep space. A silver spaceship at high warp.

    Panel 2.

    An urban setting. Harry is running. He looks worn out, desperate.

    Panel 3.

    Deep Space. A black spaceship is closing on the silver spaceship.

    Panel 4.

    Our urban setting. A man in a black suit is running after/chasing Harry.

    Panel 5.

    Deep Space. The black ship has just opened fire with forward laser cannons.

    PAGE TWO

    Panel 1.

    Our urban setting. The man in the black suit is still running; he has a gun, and he's just fired it.

    SFX: K-blam

    Panel 2.

    Deep space. The laser fire from the pursuing black ship smashes into an asteroid. The silver ship hurtles away from debris.

    Panel 3.

    The urban setting. The black suited man is still running up the street, a line indicating the track of his bullet to where it smashes into the corner of a building. Harry has just ducked into an alley.

    Panel 4.

    Deep space. The black ship's second laser volley has just caught the exploding silver ship.

    Panel 5.

    Urban setting. The man in the black suit is being hit by a trash can held by Harry-- waiting around the corner of the alley.



  10. LeeNordling Guest

    Danial's grade:

    PASS with a GOLD STAR.

    Simple. And clear.

    --Lee



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