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Thread: Seven Page Script - Feedback/Review wanted

  1. mashfreak Guest

    Seven Page Script - Feedback/Review wanted

    This is my second attempt at the start of an ongoing comic. (It was baaaaaaaaaad). The script below is not intended to be drawn by an artist, it is a simplified version that I have written to get feedback on the story. I would really appreciate criticism/suggestions about the story, structure, flow or dialogue. (I don’t care I you only read half of the first page, all input is welcome.) Still, the most important thing is if you are interested to read more, so tell me. Be as harsh as you want. Also, in the final draft will have a seperate document with character descriptions .Thank you,


    Ps. Please forgive any spelling mistakes.

    Page One (5 panels)

    Internet page. Title of feature reads ‘Top Ten Superheroes to Villains.’ Below the heading the article begins, ‘No. 6. Alec Kheys a.k.a. ‘Justice.’ Under the heading there is a slab of text and a picture of Kheys, in costume and smiling with an admirer. He is Caucasian, has short dark hair, dark eyes and a long scar running down the left side of his face, beginning at his hairline and ending at the side of his mouth.
    OS: ‘Him. That’s the one.’
    OS: ‘What? The white boy?’

    Zoom out to reveal two African American men sitting at a desk, one either side of the computer screen. They are dressed like gangsters, with oversized shirts, baggy pants and sneakers. The one the left is DUSTER and the one of the right is STASH [these names are probably temporary]. The desk the computer sits on is covered in pieces of paper, chip packets, and general mess. Next to the keyboard lie two larger than average handguns. It is night, and all of the light comes from the computer screen.
    Duster: You ****in with me right..? My nigga, we don’t want no white boy, dope fiend hit’n nobody for us. We want our names to ring out as kings, man, not ****s. Aight?
    Stash: Ain’t nobody got to know. An’ that dope shit, that was years ago. Kheys, he reformed…

    Back to the computer screen. At the top of the page we see a third of the text and picture from P1, the top half cut out. Below a caption reads ‘Last known photograph.’ Just under there is an image of Kheys, shot so we only see him from the waist up to his mouth. He’s in costume, blood splattered across the emblem on his chest. He is holding his hands out, obviously examining them. They are covered in blood.
    OS: Muther****er gone pro.

    Back to apartment. The two men continue to converse.
    Duster: For real?
    Stash: Shit yeah for real. Th’ man’s a stone cold killer, knowwhutimsaying?
    Duster: Sh----t, dog...

    Long panel. Cut to a cityscape of their city. The skyline is filled with hundreds of 20-30 story buildings. These should look like the buildings of today only crumbling, with their glass no longer clean but instead smudged and dirty. Between the buildings small ships weave in and out, showing no obvious traffic pattern, they fly where they want. Behind all of this the first rays of sunlight are escaping from the horizon, reflecting of buildings.
    Cap: We gonna be kings.

    Page Two (6 Panels)

    Long thin panel to establish setting. It’s late afternoon. We are looking at the front of a strip club. It’s neon sign reads ‘XXX Dancing XXX.’ The first caption is in the top left of the panel, the second the middle and the third in the bottom right.
    CAP: ‘He infiltrated Cartel’s party easily enough.’
    CAP: ‘Got passed the security…’
    CAP: ‘Tricked th’ blood ‘an DNA scans…’

    We are standing just outside a half open door to office; it reads ‘Staff Only’ with a picture of bunny girl below text. Through open door we can see two people sitting in chairs before an oak desk. The first and closest to us is an African American man (VICTOR); he is dressed in regular black pants, a winkled white collar shirt and a loosened tie. Note that he has his hand bandaged. Next to him is a tall, attractive blonde woman in her mid-thirties (ANNETTE).
    Victor: I have no doubt he was a professional.

    From POV of man sitting behind the paper covered, oak desk. We see Victor and Annette sitting in chairs in front of us. The room is well lit. Closer on Annette, with her in the middle of the panel. Annette is speaking the obvious and knowing it, making hand gestures.
    Annette: ‘What’d he do inside?’
    **** John! It was one of Harvey’s parties. He talked… mingled. But in the end… shit, he did the same ****ing thing as every else...

    This panel is a flash back to the night before. This should be obvious from the change in day, afternoon to late at night. To add effect the border of this panel should be thicker and rough.
    We are standing in a large open space filled with men and women dressed in suits and cocktail gowns. From the POV of an unknown man we see a topless waitress smiling, offering a silver platter holding syringes, pills, lighters, rolled cigarettes and pipes. The unknown man’s arm, dressed also in a suit reaches out to take something.
    CAP: ‘dumb as shit models ‘n drugs.’

    Back to the office. Closer on Victor, he leans to the side of his chair, lighting up a cigarette hanging from his mouth.
    Victor: ‘Mother****er palmed a syringe ‘an made his way upstairs.
    Cartel was on the third floor, drunk out of his ****ing mind. He’d never met this man, ‘an yet…
    Flashback. On the right hand side of the panel we are standing behind the unknown man. We can see a syringe concealed from the people in front of him in his hand. In front of him to the right Harvey Cartel (with a guard standing next to him) has thrown his arms up in the air, excited to see the unknown man.
    CAP: ‘Th’ two greeted like old friends.’

    Page Three (5 Panels)

    For the first time we get a look at his face. He is Alec Kheys (Page 1), easily identifiable from the scar on his face. In the time since ‘last known photo’ (page1) he has grown older, time making his eyes colder. He is middle aged and wearing a suit and tie.
    Kheys has, in a single motion, stabbed the guard in the neck with a syringe. The guard, surprised and reeling, sticks his hands up instinctively.

    The guard lies on the ground flat on his back. Kheys is pulling a gun from its holster under the guards shoulder. Behind them Harvey stands shocked and no one else has noticed.

    With the guard’s gun Kheys shoots Harvey in the head.
    CAP: ‘It’s not as bad as you might think.’

    Wide panel. Back in the office. From above, as if looking from a ceiling fixture we see Annette sitting back in her chair. The man behind the desk (JOHN) is pointing and yelling at her while Victor begins to get up from his seat, defending Annette.
    John: ****, Annette! I can’t see how--
    Victor: --Wait, John!.. She isn’t wrong. Near’ every party guest there was packin… As soon as he killed Cartel, well, the ****er had at ‘least twenty pistols pointin’ his way.
    He couldn’t ‘scape.

    John has sunk back into his chair. Close up on his face.
    John: …
    Fine. Tell the boys down in the basement t’ ready their shit…

    Page 4 (9 Panels)

    A windowless cell. A single yellow globe (the only light souce) hangs in the middle of the room. Directly below, Kheys sits chained to a chair. He is wearing the same cloths from the flashback, but without the dinner jacket or tie. Blood stains his white shirt. He is looking down in his lap. This panel should be a close shot of his face.
    CAP: ‘I wanna see th’ prisoner.’
    SFX: Click, Turn

    Hearing a voice Kheys looks up. The shot angle or position should not have changed.
    OS: I know who you are…

    John stands at the cells edges, draped in darkness.
    John: My men surely don’t… I heard one of them broke his hand on your face.
    OS (Kheys): I don’t know what you’re talking about.

    Stepping out from the darkness, John throws his arms up in the air. Hatred in his eyes, a grin on his face. Both he and Alec should be in this shot.
    John: Oh, come on! I can see it’s you. That face. Those eyes… so full of hatred.

    John has grabbed Kheys, wrapping his hand around his mouth, squeezing each side of his cheeks. Alec tries to look away but John twists his head towards him.
    John: Look at me, Alec.
    Or have you forgotten who gave you that scar?

    Flash back to a decade ago. Midday, with a bright blue sky. We see John and Alex, younger men and dressed in costume. John is dressed in a darker costume, making him a villain. He holds an electric dagger, blue spark fluing from it. The shot shows the two in mid fight, with John slashing Alec down the face, exactly where his scar was.

    Back to the cell. John is holding Alec’s face close to his, each man staring at one another.
    John: No no. Don’t look away now.
    I want to see your eyes.

    Closer on the two. Shot should only show faces, each character radiating hatred.
    John: I’m going to kill you, you hear me?
    You’re going to die.
    Closer on John’s space. Alec’s spit hits him in the cheek.
    SFX: Sptt

    Page 5 (8 Panels)

    Standing back from the two, we see John standing in front of the chair, reaching around behind him and pulling a gun from the back of his pants.
    John: ...not a smart move.

    Long Panel. John has shoved his handgun into Alec’s mouth.
    John: Maybe you might have made a good Hero once, but you’re not meant for this life Alec. You got your target, but ****ed-- up-- escaping. So… now I’m going--
    Alec: --neper targt.

    Closer on John standing over Alec. He has removed the gun from his mouth. John appears angry and scared.
    Alec: Gulp… Carter was never the target.
    John: What? **** you!
    Who was, if not...?

    Just Alec, chained to his chair. He is smiling wickedly, looking up John.
    OS: No, you’re bluffing.

    Pull out a little bit from former shot. We just see a chair standing in an empty room. Alec has just vanished. The chains wrapped around his body hang in free fall, collapsing in on each other.

    John, his eyes wide and bright with fear holds his gun like a cop ready to bust into a room. Behind him we see Alec, his arm high in the air, his fist coming down hard and fast toward John’s head. Alec is smiling.
    John: Oh God.

    Small, thin panel of a security camera perched in the top corner of the room.
    SFX: Thud.

    Page 6 (6 Panels)

    Back to upstairs. In the foreground we see Duster and Stash (page 1) drinking at the bar. Further down we see Victor, also at the bar yelling at a young Causation boy wearing a blue inform. Writing across his chest reads ‘security.’
    Victor: What!?
    How the **** does a man jus’ disappear?

    Shot should only show Duster and Stash, looking at each other. Standing now, they discreetly reach around the back of their pants, pulling out pistols. Stash, the closest too us also holds a screw on silencer in his other hand.
    Stash: …rock’n roll

    Long panel. Cut to a corridor downstairs with Victor and the security boy in front of a door. The boy is inserting a key into the door’s handle. Victor stands behind him, holding his gun with two hands and pointing it at the unopened door.
    Victor: Open it!

    The door is open. Victor stands in the same place at before, pointing his gun into the now completely dark room. The security guard has stepped back, and is pulling his gun from its hip holster. A voice comes from the room.
    Kheys: Victor?
    We need to talk…

    A shot of the guard, terrified. He has his gun pointing at the room.
    OS: Privately

    Same angle and position at before. The guard has just been shot in the back of the head. The shot should show his body going limp and falling, while his eyes roll back into his head.
    SFX: Phut!

    Page 7 (5 Panels)

    Stash and Duster appear, standing over the dead body of the security guard. Stash motions with gun at Victor. Note that the gun now has a silencer attached.
    Stash: Yo.
    This th’ bitch that’s gonna help us?

    We see Victor pointing his gun at the door and Alec, more blood stained than before, coming out from the darkness.
    Alec: I never guaranteed his assistance.... It’s up to him. He can help us or, like his boss…

    Cut to inside the cell. The light has been turned off, making the room very dark. Still, the light from the door provides just enough light to see. He shot should shot a body lying curled up at the bottom of a wall. Above it should be a very large blood splatter, at least twice the size of the body.
    CAP: ‘He can die.’

    Back to the corridor. POV of Alec. We are standing right in front of Victor, he is scared, with his gun pointing directly at us.
    OS: It’s like I said…

    Same position. Closer on Victor. The shot should show the top of the gun pointing at us. From the fear in his eyes his choice should be obvious.
    OS: Th’ man’s got a choice
    Last edited by mashfreak; Tuesday, August 03, 2010 at 10:33 AM. Reason: mistakes

  2. BrandonBarrows Guest

    I see you've taken some of my previous advice to heart, which is great, but I see a few things wrong still.

    The first thing that jumped out at me was that you don't give much character description, but you HAVE given names which is good. Am I to assume you'll be giving detailed descriptions in a character sheet presented to the artist? That was a big point I made last time. You want to make it as easy as possible for an artist to draw what you want them to, or be happy with whatever they give you.

    The next thing was this panel description:

    A windowless cell. A single yellow globe (the only light souce) hangs in the middle of the room. Directly below, Kheys sits chained to a chair. He is wearing the same cloths from the flashback, but without the dinner jacket or tie. Blood stains his white shirt. He is looking down in his lap. This panel should be a close shot of his face.
    You've told us what's in the room, who's in the room, give us a description of the state he's in. That's fine. But then you tell us the panel is a close shot of his face. We can't have it both ways. Either we see everything, or we see a close up of the dude's face.

    This really should be two panels. The close up can easily be a small panel inset in the larger one (on the right side of the page, so the reader's eye will be drawn to it second).

    Here's another one:

    Flash back to a decade ago. Midday, with a bright blue sky. We see John and Alex, younger men and dressed in costume. John is dressed in a darker costume, making him a villain. He holds an electric dagger, blue spark fluing from it. The shot shows the two in mid fight, with John slashing Alec down the face, exactly where his scar was.
    Well, YOU know it's a decade ago. How will your reader? The simplest way, of course, is a caption that says "Ten years ago..." or whatever. But make sure you put that in the script or it won't make it in.

    I admit I only gave this a quick read, cuz I'm pressed for time at the moment, but it is vastly improved from your previous script. Those were the major things that jumped out at me.

    Keep chipping away at it, you're showing promise.

  3. mashfreak Guest

    Thanks for the input. I'll fix those things in the next draft. I'd really appreiciate some feedback on the story/pacing/dialogue if you can spare the time. Thanks for all the help.

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