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Thread: First 13 pages of Webcomic for review

  1. NewColossus Guest

    First 13 pages of Webcomic for review

    Hi,

    Below are the first 13 pages of my Webcomic '8-bit Youth.' I have purposfully made the panel count on each page very low to help with the quick poduction of pages.

    All feedback is helpful. Be as brutal as you need to be, its the only way I'm going to get better.

    Thankyou for your time,
    Chris

    Page 1
    P1
    Large panel. 2/3 of page.
    Presley High School.
    A high school girl, blonde, beautiful and popular, stands in the centre of the panel. Uncomfortable and blushing, she looks down at the ground so as to avoid eye contact. Behind her are generic school buildings.

    School Girl: Listen, Felix…
    You’re -like- a totally nice guy and all. It’s just that I already like someone else.
    You understand, right?

    P2
    POV school girl. Standing directly in front of her is Felix who, having been rejected, now looks slightly shocked and very humiliated. He is blushing. Behind him we can see the school’s playing fields, deserted and slightly derelict.

    Felix: Oh… Yeah, I understand…
    Sorry.

    Page 2
    School hallway. Both walls are lined with generic lockers.
    Felix is pushed up against the lockers by Mitchel, his head slamming against the metal. Mitchel is holding Felix by the cuffs of his collar. Felix looks scared at desperate.

    Felix: Wait! I don’t have it today!
    I don’t get paid until tonight!

    P2
    POV Felix. Mitchel is still pushing him up against the wall. He looks angry, his eyes are bloodshot with large bags under them. Behind Mitchel a previously unseen character stands. He is James. Unlike his friend he appears calmer, but no less tired. He tells his friend what to do.

    James: Hit him.

    Page 3
    P1
    Principles office.
    Felix stands in front of the door. The door has a square window covering its top third and on the glass the sentence ‘Principle Duster’s Office’ can be seen spelt backwards. Felix looks forward, directly into the ‘camera,’ listening to the principle. He has a black eye (his left one).

    OS: Katie, we’d like you to meet Felix, one of our best students…

    P2
    POV Felix. Standing in front of him is Katie, and next to her is Principle Duster. Katie looks bored and uninterested in both Felix and Duster. Both stand in front of the principle’s desk (which is covered in papers and pens and folders). Behind the desk a collection of framed diplomas and photos have been mounted on the wall. There is a window on the right of the room. Apart from this his office remains empty.

    Principle: Felix… This is Katie. As she’s knew to Presley Grammar we’ve assigned you to be her transitional ‘student buddy,’ alright?
    Just until she settles in.

    Page 4
    P1
    Felix and his mother are arguing at the dinner table. Their table is small and with only two seats, the two sit facing each other. They’re eating Chinese takeaway.

    Mother: …calm down. All I did was ask if everything at school was alright.
    Felix: Well don’t, okay mum? I’m fine. My eye is fine. And as for school, it’s the same as it’s always been – okay?

    P2
    Late at night. Felix sits on his bed, bent over his Nintendo DS. The light from the screens illuminates him and a certain amount of his bed. What is not touched by that light is completely black. A speech bubble comes from the DS.

    DS: Welcome stranger. My daughter found you unconscious out by the river. This was with you, a sword unlike anything I’ve ever seen…


    Page 5
    P1
    Close on the DS top screen. A single character stands in the centre of the screen, with a white background behind him. He is an old man and a wizard of sorts.

    Wizard: The blade is covered with strange symbols. A dead language perhaps? I was hoping you could tell us.
    What? You have lost your memory. All of it?

    Then what shall I call you?

    P2
    Flash back to early today. This panel should be a replica of Page 1 Panel 1. However, in this panel the girl appears crueller, she is grinning with self-satisfaction.

    School girl: I only date Jocks.

    P3
    Close on the DS bottom screen. It displays the alphabet as separate icons, all arranged as they would be on a keyboard. Above the letters is a thin black line with the selected name ‘DELUDED IDIOT’ resting on it.

    Page 6
    P1
    Presley High School.
    Establishing shot of a small, secluded area behind one of the buildings. Resting up against the brickwork of the building, Katie and Felix sit, relaxing. Katie speaks.

    Katie: I like it here. It’s peaceful. Secluded…

    P2
    Close on Katie. She is rummaging through her handbag, looking for cigarettes.

    Katie: You mind if I smoke?
    Most people are –like- totally fucked in the head about it... Like my mum, she does this thing where she’ll -like- hug me and smell my hair.
    She thinks I can’t tell, but it’s totally obvious she’s trying to tell if I’ve been smoking.
    P3

    Katie has loaded a cigarette into her mouth and brought the lighter up to its tip. She is flicking the lighter, causing it to shoot out sparks.

    Katie: I mean, don’t get me wrong. I know it’s bad for you…
    SFX: *Flick*
    Katie: But so is –like- everything else we put into our bodies. And anyway, we all gotta die someday, right?

    Page 7
    P1
    Close on Katie as she blows out cigarette smoke.

    P2
    Close on a collection of 3 cigarettes resting on the concrete floor. They have been smoked and rubbed into the ground.

    OS (Katie): …And they asked me why I deserved to continue coming to Glenbrook High School. I said some bullshit about all the opportunities the school offers and how I already contributed to the year level….

    P3
    Back to Katie and Felix resting up against the wall. Felix chews his sandwich, looking down at the ground. He should be holding his half eaten sandwich with his other hands. Katie looks forward, directly at the reader, a blank expression on her face.

    Katie: The next day their secretary rang my house to inform my parents I was no longer welcome on school grounds…


    Page 8
    P1
    Same shot as Page 7 Panel 3, only now a shadow has fallen over them. It comes from Mitchel who is standing directly in front of them, but should not be included in the panel.

    Katie: …Fuckers.

    P2
    POV Felix. He looks up to see Mitchel, standing in front of the sun and looking down at them. His face and most of his body should be covered in shadow, giving him a menacing look. His right hand is curled up into a fist.

    OS: Mitchell?

    P3
    Close on Mitchell’s right hand as it tightens, causing knuckles to crack.

    SFX: KRAAK

    Page 9
    P1
    Having made him stand up, Mitchel punches Felix in the stomach. The shot should capture his fist sinking deep into Felix’s stomach, winding him, a mixture of shock and pain displayed on his victim’s face.

    P2
    In the immediate foreground Felix is kneeling, doubled over and clutching his stomach. Mitchell stands behind him, looking down. He is angry, having lost his cool. In his right hand he is now holding a flick knife, the blade sliding out of its handle.

    SFX: FLICK!
    Mitchel: Last chance, ****…
    Where the fuck is my money?
    P3
    Close on Mitchel. His eyes are bloodshot and his skin is pale. There are large bags under his eyes, and he is desperate and angry. He is currently suffering the effects of withdrawal.

    Mitchel: I NEED TO KNOW!

    Page 10
    P1
    Close on Felix as he looks up at Mitchel. He is smiling spitefully, pleased with his answer.

    Felix: It’s gone. Your friend took it.
    OS: What? No. That’s…

    P2
    Largest of the three panels. Having snuck behind him, Katie now delivers a very hard kick into Mitchel’s testicles. The shot should show her foot connecting with his body. As a result Mitchel’s eyes have gone very, very wide. Katie is grinning.
    Mitchel: …Wrong.

    P3
    Katie looks to Felix, who is just as surprised as she is.
    Felix: Shit!
    Katie: RUN!

    Page 11
    P1
    All panels equal size. Fixed ‘camera’ angle at the edge of the school grass area. Behind grass area we can see school buildings. On the left side of the panel, at opposite end of the grass area to the ‘camera’ we see Katie and Felix running towards us, with Katie leading the way.

    P2
    Same ‘camera’ angle. Felix and Katie are now in the middle of the panel, only a couple of meters away from us. Running behind them is Mitchell, the flick knife still in his hand. He is close, only a couple of meters behind them. Felix talks to himself.

    Felix: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fu--

    P3
    Same ‘camera’ angle. Felix is right in front of us, still sprinting, with an exhausted, terrified look on his face. Behind him is Mitchel who, being only an arm’s length behind Felix, reaches out desperately in an attempt to grab him.

    Page 12
    P1
    Reaching out, Mitchell grabs Felix’s shirt collar, yanking him back.

    P2
    Still holding Felix, he raises his arm holding the flick knife, about to strike.

    P3
    Pull back to the opposite side of the grass area. Three figures stand on the opposite side, far away. Mitchel has stabbed Felix, his arm lowered.

    SFX: THUD

    Page 13
    P1
    Cut to an ambulance speeding down a road, sirens blearing and lights flashing. The road, surrounding people and buildings are generic, as they only serve to create atmosphere.

    P2
    Cut to Felix standing on the grass area. He has twisted his head around toward his back, staring in horror at the flick knife sticking out of his rib cage. The knife, having been pushed in up to the hilt, rests just under his right shoulder. A blood stain is beginning to develop around the wound.



  2. jumpoffabuilding Guest

    hi... firstly, i'm wondering if this is the same version as the one posted on digital webbing. i pretty much skimmed the whole thing after i realized i already read it. didn't really see any major changes. if this one is different, i'd like to apologize in advance...
    anyway...
    i think you need to rethink how you approach the story, the introduction seems too long and i still have no idea why the story is titled 8-bit youth... or even the genre of the story...
    the whole thing is a bit cliche... maybe you should go straight to page 14 and do the intro in flashback... i don't know what exactly happen after page 13 but from what i've read, it looks like there's going to be a plot point that makes the story much more interesting... just a suggestion



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